No Thanks

Thank you but no thanks

An earned thanks for earned pranks

Not anymore

I've been asked a question

(like holy shit)

I think I'm meltin'

(do I exist)

The world's not fallin'

(down just set)

Thank you, but no thanks

Meaningless shit, a meaningless gesture

Faker before and ever faker after

No thanks, not anymore

I'm fucking tired of trying to make you understand

I'm fucking tired of having to defined my place as being misunderstood

I'm tired of getting screamed at for doing my best

I can no longer take these pains deep within my chest

No thank you, not anymore

Eulogy

"To ascend you must die. You must be crucified. For all the sins and the lies. Goodbye."

What was this for?

Blasphemy-show me what's inside of me

I can't hold onto anything

I can never hold onto you

Trickery-Any way you'd rather be

Don't you fucking lie to me

Jumped on, jumped off

What the hell was I doing?

I'm apparently malevolent  

With no ability to nurture

Care, or making it last

I caused you to jump on, jump off

Crawl, ready to fall, fuck you all

Don't let me go, don't let it show

Until I'm ready to drop the ball

Fuck this shit 

I'm sick of it all

Already going down

What was this for?

Panicked!

I'm losing my mind

Entrance to hell that you see in me

I'm always your suspect

And I'm ready to cry now

Fucking indolent

Wiping this shit off of me

Pick up the broken glass and cut

I'm always fucked and fucking doomed, damned to suffer

Fuck this shit 

I'm sick of it all

Already going down

What was this for?

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

No!

You won't kill me

I'm a fire that burns deep inside you

You won't kill me

Because I still burn inside you

You won't kill me

Because I still burn inside you

You can't kill me

Because my soul burns deep inside you!

Why? Why? Why? Why?!?!

Thought of the day

Why don't I just leave this alone?

The end is here

It looks so good

I taste the shit

I feel this dark mood

It covers me

It is so crude

It never leaves

It resides within me

Why don't I just leave this alone?

With every passing day the pain just grows

Holding onto everything

Holding onto the pain it brings

Why don't I just leave this alone?

My love for you

It felt so good

I need to leave this shit

I would if I could

It swallows me

Until I just sit and brood

It is never enough

It refuses to leave

Why don't I just leave this alone?

With every passing day the pain just grows

Holding onto everything

Holding onto the pain it brings

Why don't I just leave this alone?

I don't know what to do.

I am throwing in the towel. She said she misses talking to me everyday, thinks about me everyday, and is now ignoring me. She said I can talk to her anytime. I tried to tell her what I really meant 3 times, but it seems she took that quote, which unfortunately was open to various interpretations depending on how you look at it as an opportunity to cut me off again.

I am at a loss. I can't stop loving this girl, but I can't take these games, if that's what they are. I'm not accusing her of playing games. Maybe she really doesn't want to talk to me, but that is not what she had said just a few hours before this happened. Maybe it is a game, but if it is, I do not want to play. I want the love of my life back. That is all I want, and all I ever wanted.

The ball is in her court at this point, and in the meantime, I must throw in the towel regardless of how long it sits idle. Maybe it'll be forever, but I of course hope I am wrong about that.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do when she makes me sad."

Jenn, I didn't want you to stop responding.

I finally had some sort of dialogue going with Jenn. It wasn't going great, but it was a dialogue. And after maybe a dozen or so emails back and forth, I got paranoid that I was irritating her, so I said goodbye at the end of one of my emails. She responded back to that email, which I wasn't expecting because I felt certain that she just wanted me to stop. However, I couldn't help the urge to respond back to THAT email. So, I noted at the bottom of my response that I wasn't trying to be annoying by responding back after having just said goodbye in my last message. Stupidly, I also said that I wasn't expecting her to respond back after I said goodbye, and she apparently took it the wrong way as if I didn't want her to reply back anymore. All I meant was that was that while I didn't want to be annoying, I just can't help myself in replying to her, even if I had just previously said goodbye. I figured she wanted her response back at that point to be the end of the dialogue, and that by replying back yet again I was getting on her nerves. Perhaps I was wrong, and worrying about nothing. But she seems to of taken it the wrong way, and now isn't responding to me. I was just trying to be courteous and explain that I didn't want to annoy her by continuing on. Whenever she emails me, I can't not respond back. I just can't. Even if she says "take care" or "goodbye" at the end. I just can't help myself. I want to keep the dialogue going. I don't want it to end. When I said I didn't expect her to reply back and apologized for sending yet another email, that was all I meant. I didn't want her to stop.

Jenn if you read this, please understand that I didn't want to stop talking to you.

Song of the Day

I have so many feelings bottled up inside and have every desire to write an original piece but nothing that meets my personal standards come to mind right now. I will let Slipknot speak for me today.

Maze...psychopathic daze...I create this waste
Back away from tangents, on the verge of drastic
ways...can't escape this place...I deny your face
Sweat gets in my eyes, I think I'm slowly dying

Put me in a homemade cellar
Put me in a hole for shelter
Someone hear me please, all I see is hate
I can hardly breathe, and I can hardly take it

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'TGETOUT 

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'T

Lost...ran at my own cost...hearing laughter, scoffed
Learning from the rush, detached from such and such
Bleak...all around me, weak...listening, incomplete
I am not a dog, but I'm the one your dogging

I am in a buried kennel
I have never felt so final
Someone find me please, losing all reserve
I am fucking gone, I think I'm fucking dying

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'TGETOUT 

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'T
 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something in you I despise

Cut me - show me - enter - I am
willing and able and never any danger to myself
Knowledge in my pain, knowledge in my pain
Or was my tolerance a phase?
Empathy, out of my way
I can't die

I can't die

I can't die

I can't die

You all stare, but you'll never see

There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something in you I despise 

Despise..despise..despise

Purity..Purity

Purity..Purity

Purity..Purity

Purity..Purity

Why do I do these things?

Why do I set myself up for disappointment? I know where she stands. I haven't seen her face since August. I know I will never see her again. If she is reading this, I am sorry for sending the damn card e-card. I couldn't stop myself.

I Dreamed..

I dreamed this day would never come

I dreamed I learned my lesson years ago

I dreamed of dreaming different dreams today

I dreamed these feelings would never show

I dreamed she was at my front door

 I dreamed I would not have regrets anymore

I dreamed I woke up and this was all a dream

I dreamed the happiest days of my life would forever gleam

From the moment we laid eyes upon one another

I promised myself I would never hurt her or ever be a bother

I vowed to be the best partner I could ever be

I fell short in every way, always blind-never able to see

My worst days are here and her brightest days have come

They say it is always the darkest just before the fuckin' dawn

I know now my happiness was her misery

Her happiness is mine

I wanted to be the best partner I could ever be

I wanted to make her smile and only brought her misery

Now I am alone and I'm not even in her thoughts

As I pine over her as if it were a persistent fuckin' cough

My pain is sure to only make her recovery easier

She deserves nothing but the best

As she resents me for all the horrible things I said to her

Putting all the pain I caused to rest

I had horrible habits of speaking out of line when my feelings were hurt

I hate myself for things I've said though I never meant a word

I promised myself repeatedly that the lesson had been learned

I fucked up and fell off course repeatedly, this heartbreak has been earned

I dreamed this day would never come

I dreamed I learned my lesson years ago

I dreamed of dreaming different dreams today

I dreamed these feelings would never show

Learn to Let Go

Loving you when you're gone is like listening to my favorite song
I've just been listening to this one for far too long

It's hard to stop listening when the birds sing it too
I guess in my world it really is a popular tune

I've replayed it so many times that I sing it in my head
It's the last thing I listen to before I go to bed

But we all know after a while all songs get old
And after that while I'll learn to let go

Don't Look Back

Love doesn't happen overnight
Love doesn't argue about what's wrong or what's right
And don't expect to find a love that will last
if the only place you're searching is in your past

Love is hard to find; it's even harder to let it go
Don't settle for something just because it's what you know

We tell ourselves this time will be different.
What may work for a little while longer is irrelevant

You can't fix what's already been broken
You can't believe the new promises that have been spoken
because the pain you forgave once before
will always linger in your mind each time they walk out that door

This time won't be the same
yet you find yourself playing the game
but in this game nobody will win
because every sinner is likely to sin again

Your heart is in a million pieces
Your life is full of hits and misses
but one thing that still remains
is your ability to accept the things you can't change
We all make decisions that we regret
but it's our choice to forgive just never forget

Always stay true to yourself and your values
because in the end that's all that matters
Don't waste time thinking you're not worth it
because no matter what anybody else thinks
there's somebody out there who might just think you're perfect

Love doesn't happen overnight
Love doesn't argue about what's wrong or what's right
And don't expect to find a love that will last
if the only place you're searching is in your past

A Nice Day/Night Out

I actually had some much-needed fun yesterday. My new friend Roxanne, who lives just a few minutes from my school, actually texted me and invited me to meet up with her and her family at Archie's Seabreeze in Fort Pierce. We hung out there for several hours, listened to some live outdoor music, and drank some beer. Her family is really fun, and crack some pretty funny jokes. They're very nutty, but in a good way.

After several hours, part of her family went home and a few of them took a walk with Roxanne and I down the street to a bar near the Jetty, where we got some rum runners, took a walk along the Jetty and looked at the stars. Her sister and mother eventually went off and did their own thing while Roxanne and I just sat on a bench, drank our rum runners and talked about random things; everything from music to the new crappy season of American Horror Story to astrology. We continued to talk, finished our rum runners, and headed back to Archie's. Once I knew I was good enough to drive, we met back up with her mother and sister, at which point we parted ways.

I stopped off for some McDonald's on the way home and decided to try the new Big Mac Jr. I've been very disciplined lately, and have been exercising regularly, so there's no need to feel guilty about that. Once I got home, I partook of the ongoing Simpsons 600 episode marathon on FXX that started on Thanksgiving Day, texted with Roxanne and Christine a bit, and did some homework. The end of the semester is coming up fast, it's crazy how fast time goes.

Thanksgiving morning thoughts

I can't help feeling like a little kid answering a question written on the chalkboard in elementary school just before Thanksgiving break by writing this post today, but that's okay. It's really just a matter of coincidental timing, to be honest.

I am thankful for my family. We don't always see eye to eye, but they have been there for me through thick and thin. I should have given them more credit and appreciation over the years, and I regret that I haven't. Despite that, my eyes are wide open now to how lucky I am to have them in my life.

My mom and my sister, no matter how tired they get of hearing about it or seeing me with that look on my face like someone just shot my puppy, they continue to reiterate the true key points that are easy to forget at a time like this; the things that I need to hear and be reminded of.

I am also thankful for my friends. I've realized that I really am a lucky guy. They may be upwards of 1,500 miles away, but they care and two in particular have really been there for me in recent days.

Christine will message me on Facebook several times a day, and ask how I'm feeling, and has been asking me a lot of questions. She actually wants to know more about the situation so she can really help and give me some perspective. In this day and age especially, most people just wait for the chance to speak because they are so self-absorbed. Christine actually listens, and wants to help.

My friend Brian, who has been my best friend for almost 19 years now, he's been on the phone with me everyday the last few days, listening to me, trying to make me laugh, and trying to help me look towards the future. He recognizes all the progress I've made in making myself a better, healthier and more stable person and has encouraged me to keep going. And much like Christine, he has taken a great interest in my situation and asked a lot of questions about it which consequently has made him able to make some very valid points that are easy to overlook and forget in times of heartache.

Some of the points my friends and family have been making are things I already knew, points I have mentioned in this blog myself over the last few days, and they have been more than happy to reinforce those points as clear warning signs that should of been considered from the beginning. But others are things I never even realized or thought of; things I have completely forgotten or overlooked. It's been really helpful, and I can't help feeling so lucky to have these people in my life.

Christine has a family engagement coming up within the next few weeks or so, coincidentally in Port Saint Lucie, and we are going to hang out a bit while she's down here. I am really looking forward to that. And though it may be a while, Brian intends to come down to Florida to go to Disney World with his family and wants to get together while he's down here too, so that should be fun as well.

I am now going to go take a shower and get ready to go be with my family who really do love me, care about me and want nothing but the best for me; who want me to steer clear of anything and everything that is unhealthy for me, as hard as that reality may be to accept sometimes.

I really am a lucky guy.

Cleansing

She isn't coming back. Oh, how badly I would love to be wrong about that, but unfortunately I'm not wrong. I would love to hear from her, but in all honesty I think I have better odds of selecting a perfect bracket during March Madness (odds are one in quintillion, and I know jack about sports), so..

I went out and got a couple of boxes and began the process of trying to cleanse my house of all the stuff I could that reminds me of her. I still don't have the will to throw anything out, but I needed to begin the process, however minutely. Cards, gifts, mementos, the computer monitor, a picture of us together at the zoo that I used to keep on my desk at work, the moon painting with the heart-shaped tree, kitchen stuff, posters, her bathroom stuff, the hair straightener, the dental floss she gave me, the cap on my toothbrush, the "SUE" key-chain, the black hat, earrings, necklaces, the purse, the red dress, shoes, make up brushes, the bookmark, the water pistols, the pill case, the laptop, laundry detergent, fabric softener, a laundry basket, plastic storage containers, the stuff left in the drawer on her side of the bed including the foot cream, the Popsicle-Sticks and small metal bucket; just everything I could think of...

I boxed and bagged it all up and put it in the closet of the spare bedroom so it is at least out of site until I have the heart to discard it all. I don't doubt that Jenn has already gotten rid of everything I have gotten her and I doubt she batted an eye while doing it either. But this was not what I wanted and I am extremely sentimental.

I couldn't help reading all the cards. I broke down in tears reading them. It reminded me of how much she loved me at one time, how bright the future felt, and how happy we made each other. Seeing her handwriting, the distinct way she would sign her name, the way she would write my name on the envelopes and at the top of the cards totally got to me and I couldn't stop crying, She wrote such beautiful and moving messages in her cards, sometimes even on the envelopes. Then I looked through the "52 reasons why I love you" deck of cards she got me, which was still in my night-table drawer for easy access after all these years and cried some more..

I still can't believe this has happened. But I have to remember there was never supposed to be any future as far as she was concerned. She wanted to stay married and see me on the side. She was up front about it, and I knew about it going into this relationship. But, I fell for her. I fell hard. She was fun. She was sweet, she was caring, and she did so much for me. But at the end of the day, she never wanted a future with me to begin with. That never changed for one moment, not even after she and Ryan split. I had hopes after her and Ryan separated that we had a future together in the long-term, but they were just that..hopes.

I got through it somehow. Everything is packed up in bags and boxes in the other room, waiting for the day I finally have the heart to part with them.

The inconvenient truth

I took a long shower, came back to re-read what I just wrote in my last entry, and I can already see Jenn rolling her eyes, should she ever even choose to actually read it. I rolled my own eyes as I started reading it. I can also already feel every word falling on deaf ears. She will never believe I changed, or that she would no longer have to worry about turning on her phone or about how each day is going to go moment to moment. She would again wake up everyday unhappy, even if I gave her no reason to feel that way anymore. She is happier without me than she ever was with me. It's an inconvenient truth. Everything about her life is better without me than it ever was before. She said it herself; that she should of done this months ago. That really hurts, but it is how she feels. The fact of the matter is, I was never her first choice. When we got together, she was married. I was her second choice. Even after her and Ryan separated, that never changed.

That never changed. It never changed. It never changed. It never changed.

I will always love Jenn like crazy. I still welcome her to read any and every single thing I write in this blog. I still hope she does, though she probably won't. Should she actually read it, I hope she thinks about what I wrote earlier. I won't remove what I wrote earlier today because I meant every word. I still welcome her to contact me if she chooses, and I won't stop hoping she does, even though I know I shouldn't give it another thought because frankly, it feels absolutely hopeless and it most likely is. I won't hold my breath. I can't. That's why I have to stop now. She will always be my first choice, but again, I was never hers. I knew that going into this relationship.

It's my own fault. All of it. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. I did it to myself.

There's no changing her mind. You can't make someone love you, you can't convince someone you've changed from afar. Even up close, its unlikely to change how they feel about the past. You can't make them forgive your mistakes, severe or not. You can't make them forget the pain and anguish you caused. You can't make them provide you with a clean slate. You can't make someone put their progress, recovery and bright future on the line to give the old another shot, regardless of anything. I am the only one to blame for this.

I am the only one to blame. I am to blame. I am to blame. I am to blame. I did this to myself.

Can we please talk? It would mean so much.

Dear Jenn,

               I read last night's blog. I both regret reading it and at the same time, am glad I did. On one hand, it reinforces what I already knew about what I put you through which hurts. On the other, it's nice to know you are doing so well. I am happy that things are going well for you. I seriously mean that. I am glad you are happy, I am glad you have gotten to travel to new places, I am glad you are embracing your creative side and feel joy these day. You deserve nothing less. I am glad you are looking forward to the future, and are no longer having to worry what is going to happen day to day. I feel regret that you ever had to worry about that, or about turning on your cell phone. From what I gather, joy and relief was something you clearly weren't feeling before you stopped seeing me. That is completely understandable, and I don't doubt its the truth at all. As I have said, I have had plenty of time to reflect on my issues, and the negative impact my behavior has had on you and our past relationship. All that thinking and reflecting has brought to the one and only possible conclusion: I put you through absolute hell.

          I wish so bad that we could talk. I want so bad to comment on your blog, to call, to text, to email, to write you another letter or send you another card, but I gather that is not what you want at all, especially after reading last night's blog. It sounds like what I feared the most has happened, which is that my contacting you disrupted your recovery from all the years of crap I've put you through. I apologize. I couldn't stop myself. I stand by what I said, which is that I will not contact you again unless invited. That is why I am writing this on my own blog, and not commenting on your page or reaching out by any other means at this point, as much as I want to.

       Should there ever be a day that you want to talk to me, I welcome it with open arms and always will. This experience has truly changed me, it really has. I am not the same person, and I stand by that. It may be hard to tell as I go on and on in my blog about you in the same vein I usually do, but that's what heartache does. That's what the degree of regret I feel for all I have put you through does to me. Given the opportunity to meet up with you or talk, or text, I think you would be genuinely surprised. That is not the kind of thing I would say, especially at this point and not be able to deliver on. I am a much stronger person, a much better person now. You haven't seen my best, and I will always welcome the opportunity to finally show you that, should you ever allow it.

     I wish so bad you would call, or text or write, or even show up at my door unannounced. I miss you so much, it makes me sick. I feel  childish saying that, but it's the truth. You are my kryptonite. If Anna Faris or Eva Green came into my life, it wouldn't change a thing. You mean everything. You always will. I will say again, I never wanted to be a burden, a volatile uncertainty, a stress-factor, or an expense on your life. I feel bad that my time in your life ever cost you a penny. I don't want that and I never did. Things have changed and that would never be the case again, given the opportunity to show you.

     Some time has passed. We haven't seen each other since August. We haven't spoken since September. It may not feel like a lot of time to you, which I understand it really isn't. But on my end, it feels like eons. Not because I am exaggerating as I know I have in the past in regards to the passage of time, but because of how much this hurts. It has made time all but stand perfectly still. I have been working to improve myself non-stop. I mean that. In just a few months' time I have really done a lot to improve myself inside and out. I am not the weak, confused, emotional, whiny and needy baby with no money I once was. If we spoke just once, even for a few minutes you would see the change. It is more than apparent. My family, my doctor and the few people I talk to all say they see the change. I am not making this up. You may not be able to tell from reading this, because I am going on and on about how much I miss you and trying to persuade you to talk to me, but it's the truth and I can easily show you if given the (and I hate using this word just as much as I hate using the word "try") chance.

    It's the last time I will ask. It's the last favor I will ever request of you; to please talk to me. Just let me show you what changes I have made. I would never wish to impede on your recovery from the misery, stress and uncertainty you have felt in the past, nor risk the progress you  have made since then. I am not the same person. What hasn't changed is the amount of love I feel for you. What hasn't changed is that I know we can be amazing together. I should have gotten my shit together years ago, there is absolutely no denying that. But in any case, I am more together now than I have ever been. I know it's hard or perhaps impossible to tell by reading this, but I mean it.

   Please just talk to me one more time, in person, on the phone, via text, I don't care. I promise you won't regret it. And if you don't want to talk to me again after that, you will never see another plea on this blog again for the same. That's a promise I can keep. I will be eternally grateful, as I already am just to have had the chance to know you. You are more special than you can ever know. You have a smile that makes my heart skip beats and eyes that bring tears of joy to my eyes. A laugh that makes me fall for you more and more. You deserve nothing but the best; the finest things in the world and I want to be the man that shares his life and love with you. We make an awesome team, and we can make an even better team going into the future. I know this to be true. I don't expect you believe it, but if we just talk, I think it's possible I can ease your reluctance, fears and concerns about ever having me part of your life again. From the bottom of my heart, all I want is the best for you and if I thought I was still at risk of being an unhealthy factor of that equation, I would not be writing this. Please think about it. I'm sorry for all the past pain and troubles and I would never let that happen again ever.

        If your mind is absolutely made up, so be it. This will be the last time I ask anything of you. If I never hear from you, I know I only have myself to blame. I will have to live with that, and I understand. But, I can't help loving you.

                                                                    Best wishes,

                                                                                              - Dan

    

I couldn't help but look. I hope she looks at mine.

I hadn't looked at her blog since September. I needed to look. I knew it would hurt, I knew I was risking great pain by peeking, but I couldn't help it any longer. I am happy for her that the divorce is finally over and done with. I truly am. I just wish I was still in her life, so I could celebrate with her.

Still, to this day I deal with the fact that absolutely everything reminds me of her. I keep thinking back to our trip to Key West earlier this year, particularly our time at the outdoor bar, in the pool and the hot tub. I would give a kidney just to relive those moments, it was probably the happiest hour or so of my life. I mean that wholeheartedly, not to discount all of the wonderful memories and laughs we shared together. But when it comes down to it, as we held each other close and kissed in the pool and hot tub, that may of been the closest I ever felt to her. I never wanted it to end. I never wanted this relationship to end. I never wanted to say goodbye.

Another image I keep coming back to is a picture we took at the zoo a few years ago. It's a picture where she still had long red hair, and my hair was fairly short. I also still had metal-framed glasses. In the picture, I am looking at the camera smiling, and she is looking up at me, almost in adoration. It makes me very emotional every time I flash back to it. That's another day I truly wouldn't mind revisiting. Frankly though, I wouldn't mind revisiting any number of countless days where things between us were going well, and she didn't feel trapped with me, but happy. That's all I want for her, is to be happy. I want so bad to show her my best, which I owed her from the get-go, but never delivered. I am more ready now than I have ever been.

I sent her a card and a letter this past Thursday. I just couldn't stop myself. I had so much I wanted to say, but I held back as much as I could and wrote just over a page-long letter that briefly touched on a few things, and included a hand-written poem in the card. I don't know if she got them, but I prepared myself as best I could for a number of negative outcomes including, having them returned in the mail, a negative text message, negative email, negative phone call, negative handwritten response, and no response at all. I don't think her parents would keep them from her when they checked the mail, but I guess I can't rule that out completely either.

I wish I could show her how much I've changed. I am not the same negative, whiny baby I once was. I wish she saw what I see in us. We make such a good team, especially when I am on my game, which I always am now. I don't fight with my parents. I don't invite strange people over. I cut off all contact with anyone I ever met on the internet. I gave up on making friends, aside from meeting people at school. I work hard, I study, I take care of myself, I write, I watch a lot less television, I eat better, and "Rachel" is GONE. I have found myself, and I am happy about it. But a large part of me is still missing, and I know there is no one else out there for me.

This isn't a dependence. This isn't an obsession. This is a love that refuses to die. I have never felt about anyone in the way I feel about her. All she has to do is say my name, and I would come running. Not because I am willing to let her walk all over me, not because I am a puppet, but because I love her and I know what she means to me and it just won't change. I want to share my life with her. Her eyes take me miles away from the closest negative thoughts. Her smile and laugh, are so gratifying, I can't even describe it. I just love making her happy, and I love to make her laugh. These thoughts and sights are tattooed on my brain. I have an undying desire to be there for her, to keep her safe from pain and harm. I don't want to be a bad memory. I don't want to be a burden, an expense or a toll on her life. I want to be her love. I want to be her MAN. I want to show her I can take charge. God knows I had almost 3 years to show her that, which should of been ample time, but God forgive me; I am ready now and I don't need time to "try" or "work on it." The word "try" is going to haunt me for the rest of my days. If she showed up at my door right now by surprise, a man who is willing and absolutely ready to show her what I am really worth would answer.

She hasn't seen my best. She deserved to see it years ago, no question about it. But my best is ready to be seen.

I hope to God you read this. I love you, Jenn.

Still not out of tears for you

I am still asking myself why. I am still hoping maybe something will change. I know in my heart that this is the way its going to be but I can't face that reality full-on. I am surrounded by more things that remind me of her than don't. I still don't have the heart to full clean-house of her. There's just too much, and to see it all accumulated into one cluster of memorabilia to be discarded is just too large of an emotional task. I still prefer to let everything stay hidden, scattered and out of sight. The shower head she bought me broke today. It was from the dollar store, and probably was never going to last. But throwing it out and putting the old one back on took a lot out of  me.

I still miss her so much. I still love her so much. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of seeing her face and not being able to touch it. I'm tired of backed up pictures that I didn't know I still had popping up, scraps of paper crumpled up in my drawers that have some sort of correlation, the key chains I carry everyday, the bed I sleep on, the sheets I sleep on, the posters in my room, the TV shows I used to enjoy, the lap pad I am using....she is everywhere. And I feel like I am in the midst of an emotional ordeal that will never end.

Why does she want it this way? Why do I have to hurt? Why can't I do anything right or make anyone happy? I have so much love to give and all I want to do is give it to her.

Happy early birthday, Jenn. For I know you're happiest without me. I wish I could give you all the fucking time you wasted on me back and let you use it for something that would of truly made you happy in the end. I am so sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted or needed. I still wish so badly that I could. Not a day goes by where I don't mourn your complete and total absence from my life.

This is not the way I want it.

I'm only after death

My sinful glare at nothing holds thoughts of death behind it
Skeletons in my mind commence tearing at my sanity
Vessels in my brain carry death until my birth
Come and die with me forever
Share insanity

Do you want to die?!

The waves of blood are rushing near, pounding at the walls of lies
Turning off my sanity, reaching back into my mind
Non-rising body from the grave showing new reality
What I am, what I want, I'm only after death

When?

When it will it stop hurting? 

When will the clouds clear the diamond encrusted sky?

When will it stop hurting?

When will enough time of gone by?

I see the happy people as they all walk by

Living their lives with smiles on their faces

Not wishing the dirty film coating their minds would wither and die

Happy and going about their business enjoying what is offered by so many places

I pray to the God that doesn't exist

Will He answer the prays on a cracked and dirty platter?

Only for Him to show me my life and dreams never really mattered

The scum of the Earth walk hand in hand with me into the dark and drippy caverns

When will it stop hurting?

When will the tears of unrequited love stop falling?

When will it stop hurting?

When will the head atop my hallowed shell stop bawling?

I look up and all I see is you

I look side to side and all I see is the truth

That you are gone and never coming back

Never have I seen so many screws left loose

 

 When it will it stop hurting? 

When will the clouds clear the diamond encrusted sky?

When will it stop hurting?

When will enough time of gone by?

 

Dreams

I wish I could control what I see and feel in my dreams, especially as of late being that every single night as of late my dreams have been extremely vivid and have felt extremely real. I don't know why they are so clear and memorable now, but it is causing me great pain, especially this morning.

I continue to push forward as best I can. I continue to work on school as best I can. I continue to try and move on with my life as best I can. I continue to try to distract myself as best I can.

There seems to be no cure for heartache however, and there seems to be no cure for these undying feelings of love and devotion. Everything I see reminds me of her, God I wish I didn't care anymore.

It is the only way forward.

What the fuck did I do to her? I don't get it. I am lost. The second she went on that trip she cut off all contact and blocked me out of her life in every possible way. I don't get it. I am lost. I am crushed. I am heartbroken. I just want to know why. It's cruel. It hurts. And I can't think about anything else. I would do anything for this girl on any day. All that comes to mind that is anyway comforting is this quote from Jerry Seinfeld: "The best revenge is living well."

I guess that's what I'll have to do. It is the only way forward.

No title necessary

"Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back. And never moving forward so there'd never be a past."

Fuck you.

Heart breaking again

I wanted Jenn to have a good time at DragonCon and still do. I understand this is something she has been looking forward to for at least ten years, I knew she was meeting a friend there, that she would be busy and not really have time to talk.

But I did not see this coming. Why is she ignoring me? Why did she remove me on Facebook and block me on kik? What could I have possibly done to her now? I am 100% devoted to this girl. She is all I want. My heart is aching and I want to understand what is happening. I love her to no end and this is killing me yet again.

I am far from perfect, but I don't deserve this.

I don't know.

If you asked me whether or not she still loves me, I honestly couldn't fucking tell you. And I wish I didn't care.

I reject this fucking race. I despise this fucking place.

I'm a carnal, organic anagram. Human flesh instead of written letters.
I rearrange my pathetic tissue. I incise. I replace. I'm reformed.
I eradicate the fake pre-present me. Elevate me to a higher human form.
The characters I am, made into a word complete, then I'll be the new norm.
Self inflicted fractures. I replace my bones with bars;
Aluminum bleeding oxide; the drug of gods into my pounding veins

(A human puzzle for all to scorn. No face. No back. Directionless.
My scarred edition I'll display; the organic word for nothingness)

My receiving eyes exchanged with fuses; blindness induced to prevent destruction.
Ceramic blades implanted past my ribs to save me from the dues of inhalation.
I tear my worldly useless skin. Staples to pin it over my ears.
Non-receptive of ungodly sounds - I disable the audio-generators of fear.
Hexagonal bolts to fill my mouth, sharpened to deplete the creator of all violence;
Without speech there will be no deceit

Baptized in vitriolic acid. A final touch. A smoothing of features.
Completion of the greatest art; to cast the godly creatures.
Humans, once astray; made divine. Stripped of congenital flaws.
We're incandescent revelations in a world of darkened forms.

(Confide in my new age dogma. Swallow the indoctrination. You'll come to love it here,
The suicidal atmosphere. Let me into your common mind. I'll plant my thoughts into its soil.
Walk among us self-made gods, deified through the pains of self torture)

Disciples, come join with me to save a failed humanity.
Follow the god of cyanide into the new eternity.
Behold; a sacrificial raise, a cleansing worshiping of pain.
The new millennium Christ here to redeem all from lies

I don't want to feel this way anymore,

I can't cook dinner without feeling like I'm going to cry. I cant wash the dishes afterwards without actually crying. The phone is dead silent as is my house. No friends text or cal to say hi. No significant other sending thoughtful messages. No family checking in on me. No one thinks about me. Jenn has said barely 3 words to me all weekend. I start school in 2 days and I am dreading it. I worry I won't be able to pay attention or retain information in my infinite sadness. I wish Jenn were here. I just want to hold her tight and feel my worries slip away. I feel so strongly for her and I am almost certain she doesn't feel even remotely the same. Is this how life is going to stay? Am I going to die broke and alone in a tiny apartment like my father?

I just want to be happy

I woke up at 4:30 this morning with a serious heaviness in my chest. The first thought that came to mind as I slipped into full consciousness is that I have wasted my life. I have wasted more than ten years thinking that I knew better than everyone else and I have only deficits to show for it. No one cares whether I am bad or well, coming or going, alive or dead. I have no fucking clue why Jenn even still talks to me, why she still comes around, or how she ever gets herself to sleep in my bed, or even remain intimate with me in anyway. Of course I am thankful she is still around, and still lets me touch her, hold her, kiss her, make love to her; God knows my heart and other vital organs would simply just give up if she were gone. But I am so tired of waking up everyday feeling this way. I am so tired of the 'look at me' bullshit online, the overly braggadocios stories of success; even over regular everyday accomplishments constantly competing for 'likes' and 'shares,' the narcissism, the ultrasounds, the food pictures, the ME ME ME ME!


The more of this shit that I see and hear, the further in the hole I feel. The more nauseous I feel. The more I just want to crawl under a rock and give in. Fuck, I can't even roll up my car windows when it rains. I cant even go down the block and get a cheeseburger from McDonald's if I want to. I am not saying my problems are anyone's fault but my own, but to be fair, if I hadn't taken the word of some dim-witted know-nothing low-level interviewer, I may be making a lot more money right now as an account manager.

I want to so bad to see Jenn's face, see her smile and have her look me in the eyes and say, "I knew you could do it." Whether its regarding my first A+ on an exam, in a class overall, when I receive my diploma, or when I start my first real career. To make her proud, to hear her say it, would make all this pain, depression, sweat and tears completely irrelevant, something not worth sweating over or reliving ever again. It would make everything I have gone through completely worth it, and more. I want to prove to her and to my family once and for all that I am better than my current status. I am better than what my shitty house, torn up bed sheets, fat gut, long hair and 2- year old car with garbage bags over 3 of its windows may suggest.

I cant wait, I really fucking can't wait...until this struggle is over and for the day I can look at Jenn straight in the eye as she lay next to me in our king size bed with soft, clean sheets tightly fitted over them with nice luxurious puffy pillows cradling our heads and say, "Good morning, babe. Another night in paradise, eh?"

Right now I feel so alone, and any kind of success feel like a lifetime away. I feel unworthy of Jenn's love, of my family's love, of even my one surviving dog's love and it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me shaky. I want to be so much better, and I want to do so much better. I miss Jenn so god damned much right now. Every time we part ways I am afraid its the last time I am going to see her; as if something is going to click in her head and she is going to realize what a white trash piece of government hand-out accepting shit I am. And then one day, Ill find she has moved on with someone who got their college degree a decade or more earlier, and has a job they hold tenure at, who likes the same books as she does, etc etc...

The idea of that scares the shit out of me because my love for her is undying. There's nothing about her that I don't love. Her intelligence, her wit, her sense of humor, her ambition, her eyes, her smile, just her.. EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUT.

I cant bare to lose her. Someone help me out of this proverbial hole. I am about to drown in my own tears.

(Sorry for any spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors. Not feeling up for the task of proofreading this morning.)

I cried again today. (Yeah, I know you're not surprised)

 Today has proven to be no easier than yesterday. The emptiness of my home, the disillusionment in my mind, the increasing nerves I feel as school approaches, and all but being told to "fuck off'" by mother when I reached out for someone to talk to just moments ago.

I spoke  to her on the phone before, and I really wish now that I didn't. She says I am not depressed or overly sensitive or overly anxious, but that my brain is just fucked up and there is nothing anybody can do for me, She tells me to just deal with it. Wow, where's she been keeping her psychiatry degree all these years?

I told my mom that the loneliness I feel at home hurts despite how busy I try to keep myself. I asked if I could come over for a while and she made up some shit about being too busy. So, then I mentioned that I am going to miss Jenn while she is away next month wishing I could be there with her. She said to not worry about or even care about Jenn and to just forget her. She said she thinks Jenn is meeting and/or dating other guys when she isn't coming around here and supposedly keeping me on a string in place as a last resort in case she doesn't find what she wants. She also said not to be surprised if Jenn really does find someone else soon, at the convention or otherwise.


I balled into tears when she said that, trying not to cry out, "No, that's not true, How can you say that to me?!"

That's when my mom thanked me for ruining her day and then she hung up the phone.

Here alone, in front of the computer now, I can't stop balling my eyes out.

I'm a man. I have so much love to give. So much truth to give. So much loyalty to give. So much joy and laughter to give. But then someone says something so mean and thoughtless to me, that I can't help but start crying

:GASP:

MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO CRY!!

(Then suddenly no one gives a shit and they all run for the hills because you cried.)

Friday Night Sadness

I hate Fridays. When I had a decent running car, a job, and money in the bank it was great. I could drive down towards Jenn's house. meet her somewhere for dinner, share some laughs and drinks, take her to a movie, and share a happy and loving kiss before either heading back to my house together or calling it a night. I was reliable, my income was reliable, as was my car that got me there.

But here I am now. With no money and no job yet again. A car that is literally falling apart, that Jenn refuses to ever set foot in now, and who can blame her? I have barely heard from her between yesterday and today, and I can't help how sad and emotional that makes me feel right now, wondering what I may of done, whether those fears are justified or not. It worries me helplessly.

I hate Fridays because they used to be the day of the week I could get excited that I was most likely going to see Jenn, whether she'd drive here from Stuart, or from Boynton Beach, or even if I drove to meet her at either of those places; or anyone else in between. Just knowing the work week was done for both of us, and that we had each other to look forward now. and that we could figure out the rest later. I loved it. I always loved it, and I want to love it again.

My heart still aches, and my eyes still fight to hold back the tears when one of these lonely, quiet Fridays comes along when I know there's nothing I can do to assemble a fun and un-regrettable weekend together for the two of us to share. I have no money, I have a fucked up car, and I am sure she has better things to do than sit on my bed with me and listen to the non-nonsensical dribble spewing from my mouth for a third weekend in a row as she one by one pays for everything we eat and/or do the entire weekend because I am again unemployed despite my persistent efforts to end this pattern.

If I were her, I wouldn't want to see me right now either. I don't blame her. But I love her so much, and she makes me so happy that every time a weekend that I'm destined to spend alone comes along, it is impossible not to feel this way. My voice gets shaky, my breathing gets shaky and tears helplessly fall.

I can't help how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I love her so much and that will never stop.

An emotional day

I'm am feeling so extremely emotional today. Extremely weak. Saddened and discouraged with a wreck-less abandon. Her voice melts my soul. I just wanted to reach through the phone and hold her tight, taking in her homely scent and breathtaking eyes which make everything feel okay again. I am going to miss her so much and feel her distance while she is away ever so vividly whether I focus on it or not. I wish so badly I could be there to hold her hand through the streets of Atlanta and embrace her in that king size hotel room bed. I feel so inadequate and fucking useless with no job, with no money and no way to contribute to anything. I vow to change this. I will change this. With childish, emotional tears falling helpless from my eyes, I once declare my undying love to you.

A Cold and Cruel World

Melancholy all the time

A tumor growing rapidly up and down my spine

Everyday it's the same old thing

I yearn for her voice and the peace it brings

Too fast or not slow enough

What can you do when the going gets rough?

I gave up hoping on the day I woke up

I gave up praying on the day I called God's bluff

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes and the world once again feels cold

I'm sick and tired of this fucking fight

I'm sick and tired of not knowing if I'm wrong or right

If I had friends, then where'd they go?

If my life serves a purpose then why won't it show?

Too bright or a bit too dark

My visions of Satan have never been so stark

Agonizing over all I've lost

I threw in the towel but at such a cost

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes and the world once again feels cold

You go on all alone

Live and die so alone...

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes and the world once again feels cold

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes in a world so blistering cold

In a world so blistering cold

In a world so blistering cold

In a world so blistering cold

Just do what you're fucking told

You finally did it.

I am gone. You have finally done it. This time I am NOT coming back. Even if you came crying to me with heartfelt (something you know nothing about) apologies, I'd turn you away without hesitation. Celebrate now that the "stress and anxiety" catalyst is gone. But you will regret this one day, regardless of when. Eat shit and die (with love).

Eraser

"Fuck you because I loved you. Fuck you for loving me too. I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do."

You win. I'm gone.

The Noose (My version inspired by The Offspring's song of the same name)

I don't know why I bother going on in this world from day to fucking day

I don't know why nothing comes out of my mouth in the way I mean to say

Every happy moment I've had in this life has burned before my very eyes

And now I'm left here alone asking myself over and over, "why, why?"

The world as I used to know it is a pile of ashy dust

The relationships I used to have are broken of all trust

The visions I had for my future are all but a fucking bust

No point left in living

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And my psyche is now stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

I never believed everything was going to turn out in such a way

I never saw myself ending up so alone without even the will to pray

I live in a world of countless things that I only seem to wish away

I understand now that my dreams and aspirations will never end up realized..

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord to shut the lights out
And take away the tears that never seem to stop fallin'

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And the vehicle is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

No more

No more

Hurting

No more

No more

Hating

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And my psyche is now stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And the vehicle is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

Dereliction

I see that the end is near

Because I have been following

Along with the narration

Strangled by self-confrontation

This truth that I behold in lies

Is growing and sprouting, forever unknowing

And reluctant in the face of death

To smile in this acute desolation

I see that the end is near

Because the heavens have whispered in my ear

Spoiled rotten and tensions high

The Gods, so happy and so much obliged

I partake of this bitter fruit

In this weakest moment

To fill this gaping hole

Within my soul

Punish me as I have punished you

And turn the key

Engaging in this self-strangulation

So clearly I now can see

The rift that paddles off between

Us, the clouds, the stars and dead

Putting all of my worst fears to bed

I see so well now that the end is near
In spite of all of my unyielding dreams
Fortitude and solidarity
Cannot so well be comforting

I swam the oceans and watched the sand
Slip between my lifeless fingers
Growing old as I grow so vain
In love with my own self-strangulation

Your time shall pass as did mine
No point in worrying about satisfaction
You will soon be one of us
As you were once one of us

I see so well now that the end is near

I see so well now that the end is near

I see so well now that the end is near
I see so well now that the end is near
I see so well now that the end is near

I see how the end is so very near...

I thought she knew I hated liars.

Now she thinks I'm "trolling" for new girls online and believes I am LYING about it.

I don't know where it goes from here, but I love her to no end. She is extremely special to me. I want no one else and I most certainly do not "troll" for other women online, or anywhere else.

I take the word "lie" very seriously. This has really crushed me. I don't know how to respond to this. I don't know what should happen next, if anything at all...

Lullaby

When I was young
And scared of the world
My mother Would sing me a song
A tune that I keep In a sacred place
Because I know That my life won't be long
It tells of the place Where you go
When your time here on Earth is through
A beautiful place We call heaven
Is it true
Please God I pray that it's true

'Cause once this land Was heaven on Earth
Green hills were all You could see
But now it's soot And steel and brick
So it looks more Like hell to me
And each day brings More and more suffering
And each night is silence and fear
And I wake To the sound of your voice
But you're not here
Why aren't you here?
So now I lay me Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My soul to keep
Please let me die Before I wake
So the Lord My soul, can take
Then maybe I'll finally find you
'Midst the beauty Of paradise
And you'll sing not of dying
But living
Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't that be nice?

Feeling even better than before

The rear brakes in my truck are pretty much shot. The passenger window in my truck is jammed. The a/c blows piping hot fucking air. Jenn is apparently done with me and/or ignoring me since my employer let me go on Monday.

Thanks again, Coastal Flooring for convincing me to leave my other job just so you can eventually fuck me over and take away the one thing that meant more to me than anything else in the world.

And the icing on the cake..my stepdad said today that everything going wrong in my life is karma for previously painting my nails, wearing makeup, cross-dressing, etc..

I am ready to check off this fucking ride. I really am. I have never felt worse.

Jenn, please talk to me.

Couldn't be better

I got up this morning to take a shower and to my surprise Patty decided to do laundry.

What did that mean for me?

It meant that my bathtub and toilet slowly and (virtually) silently overflowed without my notice. Shitty water filled the hallway closet, the hallway itself and pooled down to the barstools in the living room. I turned the water supply to the toilet off, but it didn't stop. I had to race down to the laundry machine in my bare feet, slipping and falling in the hallway while I made my way. I smacked my head on the ground. The headache and fuzziness still haven't left me.

Even after stoppimg the laundry machine, the water didn't immediately stop. I spent an over hour moppingand attempting to dry the fucking aftermath in the bathroom, closet, hallway and living room. It was and still is a fucking nightmare. Not only did I fall and smack my head, but I almost cracked my head open a few more times.

I broke the drainer attached to my mop bucket while i was mopping, making my job harder. I could not get the mop dry enough after that, so I was on hand and knee reluctantly, in the filth using towels and paper towels in the end. I can't shower either..the tub still won't fully drain and the toilet is still disabled too.

I made the landlord aware and he said he is out Of town and will be by tomorrow. Meanwhile I am possibly concussed, in throbbing pain, sweaty and gross. This morning's events could not be anymore symbolic of my feelings and my place in the world.

I sit on the edge of my best alone, still dripping sweat, discharging subtle tears if sadness and hopelessnews,  wanting so for someone to hold me.

I wish she was here so bad. She's the only thingy that stops the ache.

Heartache Continuum

I have been up since 2:30am. It silence is deafening. The anxiety is maddening. The phone hasn't rung. No messages have been received. Somehow I don't think I'm going to be hearing from her again. I think I have disappointed her for the last time despite how hard I was trying to do just the opposite. I'm crawling in my skin in the worst way wishing I could fix this right fucking now. I am better than this. This is not who I am. It's not fair. I have been trying so hard.

Thank you, Nick Elliott for helping to nudge the one valuable part of my life that I had left over the fucking cliff.

I love you, Jenn. I miss you so much.

Everything Sucks

I am a loser and will always be a loser. I will never have 10 + years tenure working for a single solitary employer. I will never have $3,500.00 saved in the bank. I will never have a retirement fund with $40,000 in it. I will never have a college degree. I will never read a single book in less than a week. I will never make anywhere close to $27.00 an hour. In short..I don't deserve to share the same oxygen supply as her and I never will.

May the tears fall.

Mirror, mirror..

Please take this poor self-image away before I'm blinded from it. Please take this sadness away before I drown in it. Please take this poor health away before I die from it.I don't want to live this way. I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of having accomplished nothing. I'm tired of being a loser. I'm tired of feeling stagnant. I'm tired of being such a shit; such an insufferable know-nothing, do-nothing waste of space unworthy of an intelligent woman's love. I cannot fuckin' go on this way. Is this all that's left for me?

Not a good day

Was I built just to feel sadness and spend my days weeping tearfully alone until die? I hope not. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I see no end in sight. I am hurting so much right now. I need someone to hold me so badly. I can't go on like this anymore.

Dan's Feelings Don't Matter

I am not meant for this world. I'm too sensitive, too emotional, and apparently to committed to the people I care about. I am also apparently helpless when it comes to caring for, committing to and loving people that obviously don't keep me high up on their list. And it seems time and time again that other people's happiness means hurt feelings and a broken heart for me. What is wrong with me? Why do I allow myself to be treated this way? It has to fucking stop.

Wake Up and Smell How Pathetic You've Been

No one will ever walk all over me again.

I've been so fucking stupid. I basically wrapped myself around her fucking finger myself. There's nothing I wouldn't of done for that girl. I was so excited to give her that stupid fucking mug. It's already sank to the status of being a meaningless fucking afterthought and it probably will never see the light of fucking day. I have become so pathetic, I've surrendered all dignity to be this girl's fucking footstool, a girl who's known for quite sometime now that she can treat me basically however she wants and that regardless, I will always come running.

Until now.

She isn't talking to me again. We said goodnight last night and apparently now, today I am no longer worthy of her time. And that's fine. I reached out a few times and she is just fucking ignoring me. The ball is in her court. I'm not gonna stress over it. Life goes on. She knows where to reach me, but I won't be holding my breath this time. She seems happier without me. It seems I may be taking my mom to go see Manson in July instead.

If that's the way she wants it, that's what she'll get. I don't want someone that doesn't want me.

Manifesto De Fuck Off Squared

Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.
Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.

Manifesto De Fuck Off

Time to disappear. I fucking hate everything and everyone. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die.

Shit-Smear

There's this feeling grown in vein behind my eyelids
It brings on a sweltering wave of pain that makes me feel blinded
And here in this crumbing shit-smear world
The tides turn only away from me..from me..from me

So alone I break!

I knew it'd go this way
I knew it'd never change
I knew you'd make sure it worked out for everybody else
Because here in this forgotten shit-smear world, I am nothing to everybody else

Pretty knives make for a pretty cut as all the teardrops just fall
I've lost the will to give a single shit, so please just fuck off
Because here in this crumbling shit-smear world
The tides turn never in favor of me..of me.. of me..

And that's the way it stays!

I knew it'd go this way
I knew it'd never change
I knew you'd make sure it worked out for everybody else
Because here in this forgotten shit-smear world, I am nothing to everybody else

Because here in this fucking shit-smear world
A curse has taken all hope away from me

I knew it'd go this way
I knew it'd never change
I knew you'd make sure it worked out for everybody else
Because here in this forgotten shit-smear world, I am nothing to everybody else

I knew it'd go this way
I knew it'd never change
I knew you'd make sure it worked out for everybody else
Because here in this forgotten shit-smear world, I am nothing to everybody else.....

Waking Up

So good to see you
I've missed you so much
So glad it's over
I've missed you so much

Came out to watch you play
Why are you running away?
Came out to watch you play
Why are you running away?

I've finally pryed open my third eye.

I can't live if living is without you

 This bag of medicine is my last bag. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel dim, I feel dull, I feel weak, I feel a failure. I feel the pulse of all these negative emotions running through my mind to an amplified degree that I cannot stomach anymore. I want a clear mind at work, and when I go back to school. This shit is only holding me back, and I am embarrassed and ashamed I let myself do this into my 30's. It's a crutch, and it's hindering any and all progress as I try to transform into a more confident, alert, observant, well-adjusted and overall intelligent person. All I think about besides Jenn is how much better off I'd of been at this point in my life if I didn't make these horrible choices in my early 20's and continue on that fucking path for a decade. I see people younger than me driving newer cars, having better paying jobs, buying their first house, and what do I have? I have a 17 year old car, a disgusting home I share with a crazy person, no friends, a family that can't stand me, little to no food, and a girl I'm madly in love with who fears I will never hold a job. I am quitting marijuana once and for all. I need a clear and sober mind if I am ever going to get out of this fucking hole, show the girl of my dreams what I am really made of and show her what my full potential really is.

I have never been in so much pain in my life. I can't go on like this forever. Won't she see how true these words I speak are? These words of love and devotion to only her. She is all I want in this world. And I will do anything for her. Not being with her is killing me a little more everyday, and I can't take the pain anymore. This is hurts SO FUCKING MUCH. Can't you see I'm changing, Jenn? Please take me back. I can't hurt like this anymore. I am never going to let you down again, I am wide fucking awake. Just please end my suffering before it consumes me whole. Everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe.

I wish I couldn't feel feelings anymore. I really do.

I can't live if living is without you. It's so fucking true. And therefore, my song of the day.

I am guiding myself right to the end

Life is weighing down on me, killing me inside
Something I could never be will guide me to the new
Light
Frustrated
Sedated
I pray to myself

God please
Don't take away from me

The only fucking thing
That I learned to believe
I am becoming the monster
You promised to keep him away
Now I feel like he's living in me

Anyway, I could never ever be
What you think is right for me
Are things that I will not believe
I want to start a new life
Get myself a sharp knife
Look into my own life
Kill things I don't like in me

But sometimes I feel OK
And think I'm unique
You always try to critique
I turn my back on it anyway
Sucker! Punk-ass motherfucker
I am loco
Te falta un poco
To get your ass in a choke-hold

Just kill me - I can't breathe
I am guiding myself right to the end
I can't learn - come to terms
With the sickness that makes me crash and burn

I'm crying, I feel like I am dying but I'm trying
I beg to myself put my pride up on the shelf
Life is not forever
But if life will stay together
I would have a friend in my depression, have an end

But I've been thinking
And thinking always gets me into trouble
But since I have a double personality
I wasn't me you see
Now I'm a refugee
And everything inside of me is just a part of my disease

Just kill me - I can't breathe
I am guiding myself right to the end
I can't learn - come to terms
With the sickness that makes me crash and burn

Just kill me - I can't breathe
I am guiding myself right to the end
I can't learn - come to terms
With the sickness that makes me crash and burn

Sleepless Night

I did not get any sleep last night. I tossed and turned like crazy yet again. I haven't gotten a single solid nights sleep in weeks. I feel so physically weak right now, I don't know what to do. Work, exercise, sleeping pills..nothing seems to help. All I can think about is her and how much she means to me. I miss her so much. She's all I want. The idea of us not ever getting back together is something that fucking terrifies me. I will get through the day, and I will do everything I can to sleep well tonight. And most importantly, I will show her I have changed.

Me Inside

I am angry, I am upset, I want to cry but I am out of fucking tears. I want to scream and shout, but I don't have to will to cave. Everything hurts so much. The sadness and the anger have come together to cause some hybrid form of emotional torment that I cannot find the words to describe. How does this nightmare end? WHEN does it end?!

Sometimes it Hurts

My first day at Coastal Flooring went really well, and I proved myself worthy. I was feeling happy and proud as I clocked out and drove home, but as soon as I walked in the door of my moldy, stuffy and decrepit house the feeling of sadness immediately washed over me. The feeling of being alone washed over me. The feeling of having no one to hold and cuddle with washed over me. All I can think about is Jenn, and all I feel is the void that of not being with her. I went from feeling proud, accomplished and hopeful to feeling helpless, hopeless, sad and alone. I love her so much. I swear on everything holy that I am going to keep this job, that I am going to be good at it, that I'm not going to quit, and that I will not frivolously blow my money. I mean it in every sense possible that I have changed my ways, and that I am not going to fall back into the same tired old habits again. I wish she believed me now. This hurts so much. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no desire to watch television, I can't concentrate on reading right now, I'm a little exhausted for a bike ride at the moment..all I want is Jenn. She is absolutely all I want in this world.

Jenn, please believe me when I say that I will never let you down again. I have changed, I swear I have. I won't leave this job. If we get back together, I will never require another chance again. I am going to go to work everyday and I am going to like it. I am going to make money, and show you that I can be trusted and dependable. I am going to prove to you that I can be your Prince. Oh, God I miss you so much. This is killing me. It hurts so fucking much, I can't even tell you. I never want to feel this way again. I want to feel you in my arms so bad right now. I swear that I will never let you down or disappoint you again.

Time to go wipe away the tears and figure out some sort of distraction.

Not the easiest day

One job has ended and another one begins tomorrow. It was an extremely long day for me. The stress, a brain that refuses to stop running at full speed, sadness, loneliness, endless thoughts and visions of her; of us together and how badly it continues to hurt me that we are not together. There's a hole in my heart only her kiss, her smile, her scent and her warmth can fill. I love her to no fucking end, and I will stop at nothing to show her I have changed. I will stop at nothing to show her that I'm responsible, that I'm dependable, that I can succeed at something, that I can maintain a fucking job, that I can manage my finances, keep gas in my car, save money, and pick up the fucking check.

One of my greatest fears is winding up like my dad. Being almost 60 years old, living in a studio apartment, unemployed, poor, missing teeth, out of shape, depressed, feeling worthless, and dying alone with no one that cares within a thousand miles. I am getting my act together. I am getting my shit together. I am going to work my ass off. I am breaking the fucking cycle. I am going to show the woman I love beyond words that things have changed.

I miss her so fucking much. I love her so fucking much. I continue to fall to pieces without her. It hurts so fucking much to not be with her, I can't even put it into words how much I am hurting. I will truly show her how much I care. I will produce results. I will prove I've changed. I will show her that she would be in no way a fool to be take me back. I will prove to her that she would never have to hear me ask for another chance again. I will show her that I am not fucking around anymore. This is the most emotionally painful thing I have ever fucking gone through. I have never loved anyone the way I love Jenn, and I never ever want to go through this again. And I don't want to end up like my fucking dad either, so between both of those reasons, I really hope she can understand how serious I am this time. I have never been this serious in my fucking life. I am breaking the cycle this time. And for good.

I have never wanted something as badly as I want to be with her again. That is the God's honest truth. She is all I can think about around the clock. She is absolutely everything to me, and I feel like a train wreck without her. I'd die for this girl. I'd do anything for her on any fucking day. I really hope she knows that. I really hope she knows how much I care. I really hope she knows how much I love her. I really hope she knows that I am not going to let her down again. EVER.

If you're reading this, please know how much I love you, Jenn. And I am always thinking about you. I am never not missing you terribly. I want so badly to hold you in my arms again as my partner in life and in love. I want nothing more than to softly, gently kiss those sweet lips and look into those amazing eyes that are capable of stopping time. I want nothing more than to give you peace of mind on all fronts that things are really changing this time, and I won't stop until I have proved that to you.

Morning sadness

Why do I keep waking up every morning at 5 or 5:30? Why do I constantly cough and can't seem to clear my throat? Why is my back covered in weird spots that only seem to spread and are now appearing on my stomach? Why am I so fat and bloated?Why am I so dull and brainless? What the fuck is happening to me? Why can't anything good ever happen? Why do I have to be alone? How can I make my life better? How can I start to feel better about myself? Why am I always nervous, anxious, and paranoid? Why do I cry at some point everyday uncontrollably?

These are just a few of the things about myself that I hate and/or am scared about. I feel like such an unattractive person on the inside and the outside. There is nothing about myself that I like. And I tear up as I type this. There are so many things about myself I wish I could change and I feel helpless in changing them. I feel like a complete mess and I don't like it one bit. I hate myself and I feel stuck with myself. All I want to fucking do is get away from myself and be somebody else. I haven't felt any confidence at all in such a long time. No one likes me and they shouldn't. No one loves me and why the fuck should they? People bend over backwards just to put up with me in their minds long enough to write happy birthday on my Facebook page. I see people I used to know get 40 likes or more for a god damn selfie.

Someone please help me. Tell me what to do. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. God, I am at your mercy. Please just give me a sign. Tell me how to be a better person. I am at the razor's edge of my rope now at 31 years old, feeling like a clueless, scared and helpless child on the inside. I want to be someone I and SHE can be proud of. Please, I'm begging you. I need to get off of this road and onto another path. It hurts so much.

For one night, everything felt right.

For one night, everything felt right again. Then morning came, and she left appearing to feel a lot of regret or so I greatly fear. All I want is for her to call or message me and tell me she had fun, or how right it felt, that she loves me, misses me, a heart or kiss emoji. Something. For me, it felt so right, it felt so perfect, I loved every second of our night together and I wish so badly that she felt the same. I want to hear from her so bad, it hurts. Watching her drive away was so hard, I just wanted to run after the car. And all I can think is that she regrets every fucking second of last night and its killing me.

God, I love this girl so god damn much.

Song of the day: