One job has ended and another one begins tomorrow. It was an extremely long day for me. The stress, a brain that refuses to stop running at full speed, sadness, loneliness, endless thoughts and visions of her; of us together and how badly it continues to hurt me that we are not together. There's a hole in my heart only her kiss, her smile, her scent and her warmth can fill. I love her to no fucking end, and I will stop at nothing to show her I have changed. I will stop at nothing to show her that I'm responsible, that I'm dependable, that I can succeed at something, that I can maintain a fucking job, that I can manage my finances, keep gas in my car, save money, and pick up the fucking check.
One of my greatest fears is winding up like my dad. Being almost 60 years old, living in a studio apartment, unemployed, poor, missing teeth, out of shape, depressed, feeling worthless, and dying alone with no one that cares within a thousand miles. I am getting my act together. I am getting my shit together. I am going to work my ass off. I am breaking the fucking cycle. I am going to show the woman I love beyond words that things have changed.
I miss her so fucking much. I love her so fucking much. I continue to fall to pieces without her. It hurts so fucking much to not be with her, I can't even put it into words how much I am hurting. I will truly show her how much I care. I will produce results. I will prove I've changed. I will show her that she would be in no way a fool to be take me back. I will prove to her that she would never have to hear me ask for another chance again. I will show her that I am not fucking around anymore. This is the most emotionally painful thing I have ever fucking gone through. I have never loved anyone the way I love Jenn, and I never ever want to go through this again. And I don't want to end up like my fucking dad either, so between both of those reasons, I really hope she can understand how serious I am this time. I have never been this serious in my fucking life. I am breaking the cycle this time. And for good.
I have never wanted something as badly as I want to be with her again. That is the God's honest truth. She is all I can think about around the clock. She is absolutely everything to me, and I feel like a train wreck without her. I'd die for this girl. I'd do anything for her on any fucking day. I really hope she knows that. I really hope she knows how much I care. I really hope she knows how much I love her. I really hope she knows that I am not going to let her down again. EVER.
If you're reading this, please know how much I love you, Jenn. And I am always thinking about you. I am never not missing you terribly. I want so badly to hold you in my arms again as my partner in life and in love. I want nothing more than to softly, gently kiss those sweet lips and look into those amazing eyes that are capable of stopping time. I want nothing more than to give you peace of mind on all fronts that things are really changing this time, and I won't stop until I have proved that to you.
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