Why do I keep waking up every morning at 5 or 5:30? Why do I constantly cough and can't seem to clear my throat? Why is my back covered in weird spots that only seem to spread and are now appearing on my stomach? Why am I so fat and bloated?Why am I so dull and brainless? What the fuck is happening to me? Why can't anything good ever happen? Why do I have to be alone? How can I make my life better? How can I start to feel better about myself? Why am I always nervous, anxious, and paranoid? Why do I cry at some point everyday uncontrollably?
These are just a few of the things about myself that I hate and/or am scared about. I feel like such an unattractive person on the inside and the outside. There is nothing about myself that I like. And I tear up as I type this. There are so many things about myself I wish I could change and I feel helpless in changing them. I feel like a complete mess and I don't like it one bit. I hate myself and I feel stuck with myself. All I want to fucking do is get away from myself and be somebody else. I haven't felt any confidence at all in such a long time. No one likes me and they shouldn't. No one loves me and why the fuck should they? People bend over backwards just to put up with me in their minds long enough to write happy birthday on my Facebook page. I see people I used to know get 40 likes or more for a god damn selfie.
Someone please help me. Tell me what to do. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. God, I am at your mercy. Please just give me a sign. Tell me how to be a better person. I am at the razor's edge of my rope now at 31 years old, feeling like a clueless, scared and helpless child on the inside. I want to be someone I and SHE can be proud of. Please, I'm begging you. I need to get off of this road and onto another path. It hurts so much.
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