Sick of this stagnance

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have so many goals, so many talents I want to embrace, build upon, improve upon and learn. And what do I do? I sit around all mother fucking day and night. I may sit and fill out job applications several times a week, but so the fuck what? That doesn't make me proud, it doesn't make me feel accomplished, and it doesn't make me feel justified. And that's not even what I want. I do not want to beg for a bullshit hourly job working for a billion dollar corporation and be a slave for pennies on the dollar like the rest of the cattle out there. I want to be an individual, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to use the talents I already know I have and explore uncharted areas of my own creativity that I do not even know about yet. I want to draw, I want to write and I want to make music like I used to with friends in high school. I want to learn the piano. I want to read all these books I haven't finished, I want to study new things. I want to get in shape, shed these unsightly pounds and feel healthy again. I feel so stuck, that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I feel trapped by my own discouragement, my own anxiety, my own depression, my own disillusion, remaining unmotivated. I am in my second year on disability, I have been hospitalized three times just since coming back to Florida last year. I am obviously not well, and on disability for a reason. But I do not want things to stay this way. My little sister, my baby sister is now a fucking high school teacher who is lives in New York City making a lot of money. She'll make even more money within a few years, and have a promising long term career with perks, benefits and a pension. What the fuck have I accomplished? Not a god damn thing, and I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Somebody get me into action because I obviously can't do it myself. I'm a train wreck of a human being. Damaged goods beyond repair.

In the end, all I can say is that maybe this week will be different. My girlfriend is coming over this weekend, and this week I can try again. But I am almost certainly going to remain stagnant, bedridden, unmotivated, and make excuses for myself not to do anything.

I am scared of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. Everything is my own fault. What will it take to change things?

Closing the Door

The cold and cracking surface splinters
The cool air dances free
The inevitable unfolds before us


So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, there is no cure!!

The scolding heat that hides beneath
The plants and trees
The yearning that unfolding inside all of us

So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, there is no cure!!


The poison that sickens
It dwindles, it thickens
The curses, the hatred
It haunts me!

So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, can't take no more!

Shutting my eyes and closing the door.