New Blog

I am starting a new blog at: https://letmeberachel.blogspot.com/

BUT...

This blog will continue on and will be used and posted to just as often as it always has been, as it is now linked and administrated using my newer Google account. However I felt inclined to start a new blog that originated from my new Google account as well--one dedicated to the person I am becoming, and one that maybe down the line will become my sole blog when I am ready,

Irredeemable

Can you see me? You shouldn't see me

It's so easy to believe in null

I believe in null

All attention--misdirected

Bled of value

I just sit and rot

And she loves me not

Old wounds bleed on

As fools press on

The road is narrow--This time is borrowed

I know the ending and there's no surprise

All that's living dies

I cannot be saved--My soul is depraved

Inside of this heart is a big black hole

And it swallows souls

Old wounds bleed on

As fools press on

There's no light down this road

In the darkness we divide

Peace has long been absent

Bathe in these eyes--Can you see?

Can you see me? You shouldn't see me

Can you see me?

I believe in null

Old wounds bleed on

As fools press on

Old wounds bleed on

No, I can't go on!

Terminally Ill

On the day I finally uttered to myself that I knew it
On the day I finally realized that everything was made of shit
On the day I decided it's time to go
On the day I realized nowhere was home!!!

Today was the day, yeah
I searched all over
Today was the day, yeah
I searched all over

So, I will if you don't and I'm never trying again
And I will if you don't so don't ever bother again

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude

On the day I realized I was terminally ill
On the day this painful ride lost it's sickly thrill--my bones chilled
On the day I realized I have a toxic mind
Can't be kind and can't rewind!!!

Today is that day, yeah
I searched all over
Today was the day, yeah
I searched all over

So, I will if you don't and I'm never trying again
And I will if you don't so don't ever bother again

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know I'm crude

I knew it--when I was born--that I shouldn't of been
I said I will--if you don't--so, can we never do this again?

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude

I tried it before and I don't want to again

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
This is my goodbye!!!

Ether

"Where we belong
There's no one to hurt
It's some place that we can't be found
Where we belong
It's darker than space
A feeling that we all push down
So it can't be found"

 - Matt Holt, Nothingface

GoFundMe. Please.

Any readers out there, who can, or are willing: I am desperate. Please help.

https://www.gofundme.com/LetMeBeRachel

Falter

Watch me falter
Watch me as I flirt with disaster
Busting bottles--why do I bother each day?

Watch me hinder
Watch as the the hardest gets even harder
Sometimes I pray--and sometimes I just feel like I'm falling away even further and further--

The end feels closer
The argument for trying gets even flimsier
Towel thrown in--end this faster

I just smile and cry as I fall away even further and further..

I cry softly
Alone to myself in my bed
These scars feel like--bad dreams that keep clawing at me, ripping at me, RIPPING AT ME!

Watch me enter
The final stages of shame
Grief for my soul--Will circle my brain as the ending keeps coming for me, COMING FOR ME!

Nothing matters
It's almost like chasing the wind
Life comes unglued--I'm just smiling and crying as I keep falling further and further away...

Out

I know according to you it's always one way
The facts couldn't possibly matter less

Your continued compulsions have driven in this wedge
To the the point where I couldn't possibly give any less of a shit

I no longer believe in you, and I no longer believe in trusting

I also no longer believe in true love, and I certainly don't believe in TRYING!!!

Without you, battled, bruised and I know what this proves

With you, battled, bruised..

Without you, battled and bruised, oh, so many ways to say FUCK YOU!

Without you

Circumstantial and always misleading

How fucking dumb do you think I am?

You prey on my reactions like a carnival clown would

And I'm too sick of this shit to shut up and nod my head

You always make it exhausting, and you always test my patience

You can turn flowers to shit with just one word, and I have come to loathe your EXISTENCE!

Without you, battled, bruised and I know what this proves

With you, battled, bruised..

Without you, battled and bruised, oh, so many ways to say FUCK YOU!

Without you

Just one way out

Where is the way out?

Just let me out

Get me the fuck out

Your endless selfies cannot hide it
The sad fact that you've turned me grey

I sometimes wonder if you're really in your thirties
Or if I really need to just let you go outside and play

I am through with forgiveness--I have given you everything

I am also through with the arguments and completely through with TRYING!!!

Without you, battled, bruised and I know what this proves

With you, battled, bruised..

Without you, battled and bruised, oh, so many ways to say I HATE YOU!

Without you

Without you, without you, without you, without you...

I hate my life.

I am going to die alone and forgotten.

To those who just "don't understand."

    I wouldn't wish gender dysphoria on my worst enemy. To know day in and day out that your brain and body don't match up, and that to try and go about life the way you feel comfortable means non-stop judgment left and right, fearful and sickened looks, sneers and the loss of family and friends is simply put, a living-nightmare from the moment you're born that doesn't end until the moment you die. 

    I don't fucking get it. What the fuck is so hard to understand? It should be no harder to wrap your head around than homosexuality or bisexuality. People who just fail to "understand" it are ignorant, prejudice-harboring pieces of shit in my opinion. Maybe I am speaking out of hurt, heartbreak, anger or my own fears because I am officially without a mother, a father, a stepfather, a sister, a cousin, aunt, uncle or fucking grandparent in the world to turn to for a single word of encouragement or for even as little as a single roll of fucking toilet paper, but that's how I feel and I stand by it.

    If you can accept two people of the same gender fucking and/or getting married, you should be able to also wrap your precious little brain around, understand and accept that the brain's inherent gender-identity and the body's assigned sexual anatomy at birth don't always necessarily match up, the same way that sometimes the brain's inherent sense of sexual attraction and the body's assigned gender at birth don't always match up. Why would I choose this for myself? Why would I or anyone else put ourselves through this? It kills me every day, and I have to re-reconcile with the fact everyday of my life that I missed out on growing up female. I will never be naturally referred to as a girl, a woman or with the proper accompanying pronouns either.

    People who treat me as a woman won't ever do it naturally, but out of a sense of moral obligation if ever at all. I will always be a social pariah within certain circles, and to some degree always discriminated against, hated, have death wished upon me and worse. My body will never naturally produce estrogen which tears me the fuck apart too. I'll never, EVER, no matter what I do, ever in anyway be a natural woman. I'll have to take hormones forever and this entire thing will cost me over $50,000 by the end of it all. I have just been disowned by my entire family, I am in college full-time (and struggling), I have like $40 in the bank, I'm on disability and have a shit job. 

    As many problems as I have outside of my gender dysphoria, I would probably have none of them if I were born the gender I have always felt inside. To feel one way and have a reflection in the mirror that not only feels nothing like you on the inside, but is also the complete and total opposite gender, which determines your place in society, how you are treated and accepted throughout the course of your entire life is completely and utterly debilitating, disheartening, and leaves me feeling absolutely empty, hopeless, disillusioned, misunderstood and alone.

    Anyone who doesn't even take the time to try and understand that before judging others, especially people within their own family or who at one time happened to be one of their closest friends are thoughtless, vile creatures and they will always hold a special place in my heart right next to the old shit-covered truck-stop bathroom stall that houses my feelings for the Westboro Baptist Church and others like it.

    How nice it would be to not wake up tomorrow...

So alone.

I've never felt so alone in my life. All I want is for someone to hold me while I cry and tell me, "everything is going to be alright."