I make this commitment to myself here and now..

I just got done spending not even an hour on the rowing machine and I feel like I am going to die. I am so pitifully out of shape, its sad. So I hereby swear to this open-ended commitment beginning on Monday, September 6th until such a time that I feel better about myself physically and mentally.

1) I fully commit to spend at least one hour on the rowing machine each day, honestly and ambitiously increasing my increments as I see and feel fit to do so. This regiment will begin when I wake up in the mornings while my schedule permits, and at any other time if there is a change in schedule later.

2) I will also spend at least half an hour each day on the weight machine, within a a reasonable time frame after completing my regiment on the rowing machine; and will honestly increase my increments as I see and feel fit to do so.

3) I will limit my junk food intake (ie pizza, desserts, greasy food, trans fats etc..) to weekends only, and willfully decrease my intake from there.

4) I will take my fish oil/heart health caplets and other medications accordingly, not skipping a single dose and planning ahead accordingly, should I not be home to take them.

5) I will increase my writing, but especially reading during periods of downtime, as I know and feel that this limits depression and other negative feelings that occur from a stubborn sense of stagnation when not employed or properly preoccupied. (That sequel to "The Shining" by Stephen King would be a great place to start should Jenn be willing to take ot back out for me.)

I need to look better. I need to feel better. And I know this is how. And it will take discipline, lots of it. Get ready to feel the burn.

Writting through falling and sobbing tears

You picked me up, and showed me around a world, a place I'd later learn was foul

Now you're nowhere to be found

A hole so far deep and filled 

In these days I feel I need you most

You just rot and decay

You left me here to stay

And these feelings won't go away!

Now I know what to expect in these changing times

Stuck here without a paddle navigating blind 

Wish so badly you were still here to see

To at least take some of the pressure off of me

The place I was born is only getting worse

And like a child I wish I had your hand to hold

What's done cannot be undone

Just suck it up and move the fuck on

You were there to show me a side so innocent, so fun, full of joy, but now

Now you're nowhere to be found

Buried in a hole 2,500 miles away

And in these days I feel most afraid

You just rot and decay

You left me here to stay

These awful feelings refuse to go away!

Now I know what to expect in these changing times

Stuck here without a paddle navigating blind 

Wish so badly you were still here to see

To at least take some of the pressure off of me

The place I was born is only getting worse

And like a child I wish I had your hand to hold

What's done cannot be undone

Just suck it up and move the fuck on

As I ponder my own life, what is it I want from this?

Can any good ever come from this?

As I try and find my place in space, will an answer ever come?

Or are the best days over and done?

Now I know what to expect in these changing times

Stuck here without a paddle navigating blind 

Wish so badly you were still here to see

To at least take some of the pressure off of me

The place I was born is only getting worse

And like a child I wish I had your hand to hold

What's done cannot be undone

Just suck it up and move the fuck on