With the antlers and red fucking nose.

This is my second week back in school. Everything is going well so far, and my math professor is much easier to understand this time around which is a big plus.

Hazel and her daughter are camping out in my spare bedroom for a few weeks which is weird since I just spent two weekends helping her move. She hasn't explained much and I haven't tried to pry. All I know is that it seems that she and her significant other are not doing well.

I sit in bed at 1:53am unable to sleep still wishing I was holding her in my arms, kissing her on the back and on the neck, feeling her bare skin against mine. I miss her voice so god damn much. I miss her eyes and her smile and her intelligence and her scent and her little peacock-colored Versa with the antlers and red fucking nose during the holidays.

I have just one question...how in the fuck do I escape this prison of STILL loving someone I can never have?

Time takes it all.

"Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

I Hate the Morning

           

A swollen sun melting in the horizon

Between the sheets where I wait for her to come
A living flame, impossible to resist
Burning me deep with every bite, kiss and lick

I'm haunted
I'm haunted
I'm haunted (by her)

Invades my sleep with tumescent intentions
Hades I'm sure must be missing a demon

I hate the morning
I hate the morning

From the panes a green mist swirls
Is it a shadow of reflection?
This apparition in moon beams bathed
A voice like wind through trees beckons
Cool rain on hot summer stone
The odor fills my presence
Of freshly dug grave and death and night
These things are her essence
Nocturnal mistress, spirit lover
Your mouth of wine and wooksmoke taste
My goddess of the violet twilight
You are lust incarnate
In the sweat of my bed
The eastern sky hints of dawning
Alone and awake but exhausted I lie
Oh how I hate the morning

I hate the morning (light)
I hate the morning (light)

I'm haunted
I'm haunted
I'm haunted (by her)

8/5/2017

I wish I knew how to say "no," but it seems I still don't. Hazel asked me at the very last minute to help her move last week, and I dropped everything to do it. We rented a box truck, and loaded all her furniture and some boxes from her house onto the truck and into a storage unit, just the two of us. I can't deny that yet again the déjà vu was extremely palpable, and it really started to get to me. Then last night, she sent me a text at around 10:00pm and asked if I could help her finish moving this morning, and I obliged. Where's her amazing boyfriend she always talks about? He can't help?

Me: an amazingly loyal friend who will always help, never saying no even if I now only hear from you when you need something...and eternally unworthy loveless, lonely fool.

I just want something I can never have.

But hey, at least everyone else I know is happy and has someone to love right? That's all that matters..  

In the words of Peter Steele, "I hate the morning."