I am so tired of being in this slump. I am so tired of all these unwelcome thoughts barging into the forefront of my mind. I am so tired of my shitty "friends" here and abroad. I am so tired of being ignored by them, and also by my extended family, particularly on my dad's side. All of them are so fucked up in the head that I seem pretty normal by comparison. I have nothing but bad memories associated with all of them.
When my dad died, that was the icing on the fucking cake. The drama, the complaints about where we buried him from all of them. I was nice enough to wish my cousin Jamie a happy birthday on Facebook, and she liked all of her birthday wishes but mine. If that's not a giant fuck you, I don't know what is. She even liked the birthday wish she got from our Aunt Lisa, who we both despised greatly growing up. Why must I have such a shitty fucking family, and such shitty friends to go along with it? I'm starting to remember why I deleted Facebook in the first fucking place. At least I can take solace in the fact that my sister doesn't get along with any of them either. In that way, I am not alone.
But unfortunately I care about it to an extent and she couldn't give a shit less, and I'd give anything to hone that skill. It would make life so much fucking easier. I was never good at picking out friends, never had a good judgement of character. Not to mention, I always wanted to be liked and accepted by everyone, and would basically do anything to be. I really, really, truly need to stop fucking caring. Fuck them all. And while I am at it, a few specific shout outs: Fuck Medi-Pharmaceutical. Fuck Mallory. Fuck Tristin. Fuck Carol. Fuck Daniel. Fuck Dustin. Fuck Jamie. Fuck Lisa. Fuck Richie. Fuck Sue. Fuck Lenny. Fuck them all. I am done caring. I am done dwelling. I am done with it and I am done with them all. If you don't like me, if you don't care about me, despite all lacking of ill will and despite all well wishes I have bestowed upon you, I don't fucking need you, and it's no skin off my ass. Just fuck off and stay fucked off.
2016 is the year of rebuilding my self-confidence, rebuilding my self-esteem and making different choices based on all I have learned from my many past mistakes, socially, professionally and otherwise. It is going to be a much better year because I am going to make it a better year. For me, for Jenn, for my immediate family, and anyone who wishes to be a part of my life if they choose to be. Again, if they don't want to be part of my life, that's fine.
Like I said before, just fuck off then.
