How I am Feeling Right Now...

I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do with myself. I miss Jenn so much. I feel like if she were here or I was up there with her I would feel so much better. All I have is a room full of things that Jenn and other people have bought for me to try to make me happy, that continuously break on me with no effort at all. Teeth falling out of my mouth that I can't afford to fix. The ants crawling all over everything. I have books I could be reading. Numerous stories I could be trying to write that I never finished. Sketchbooks I could be drawing in. Movies I could be watching. Exercise equipment I could be using to help myself get healthier. And I don't have the will to use any of it, I'm just sitting here typing these thoughts crying like a little baby, barely able to see through the tears. Why don't I have the will to do anything good for myself or productive? Why do I just sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself wasting my life away day in and day out while everybody else tries to endlessly make me happy? I'm literally crying because I am disgusted with myself and everything I have or haven't done up until this point. I'm busy feeling sorry for myself. I wish I had some direction. The last 5 months I could of been working out, reading more, writing, drawing, being creative, I literally did next to nothing and now I'm crying about it among other things. Now I start a job on Monday that is going to hog 9 or more hours of my day, that is in a call center and my mom already warned me I am going to hate it. And they specifically asked me if I am in school, if I have full availability and whatnot and I told them yes. I'm starting school in January and what if they won't work with me? What if they do and I have absolutely no free time and can't anything I really want to do?

The bottom line I think is that I am just simply disgusted with myself and jealous of my sister, of Jenn and other people I know that made much smarter choices early on and have their shit together and I just wish I could start over. I feel like if people back in New York saw where I am now they would point and laugh. I am dumb. I have no brains. I have no skills. I built up in my mind for years that I'd be a successful actor, screenwriter or something of that nature. People supported me in many ways over the years, and I let them all down. I let myself down. And now I wish I had all that time back to take it more seriously and make better choices. I am literally sobbing and weeping and groaning and squinting to try and see through the tears as I continue to feel sorry for myself. I feel like if I try to write, its going to be a waste because I won't write anything good. I feel like if I pick up the sketchbook and try to draw that I will hate everything that I draw. I feel like I'll never be in good shape again so I don't bother trying even though my stepdad took the time to assemble an entire gym in my dining room. People have spent so much of their time and energy on me, and investing in me and I have done literally jack shit about it and I am hating myself for it and wallowing in self pity.

It is amazing my girlfriend is still with me. She is so much better than me, and could do so much better than me and her family knows it. But she loves me. For some crazy fucking reason, she loves me and continues to give me the benefit of the doubt. I wish she was here so bad right now. I just wanna dig my face into her chest and weep until I have no more tears left. Everyone I know is sick of the crying. My stepdad calls me Danielle, my mom won't even look at me, Jenn is sick of the crying, everyone is sick of the transgender shit and the confusion I have had about that. My mom is embarrassed to have me in her house let alone introduce me to people because she doesn't know which version of Dan is going to show up. And it makes me feel like such shit about myself. My mom doesn't think I'm really transgender. She thinks its something I made up to drive her crazy and/or crazy myself and don't know who or what I am. My mom sees my dad in me. A worse version of my dad and me and therefore can't stand to look at me and often says she wishes she had no kids or just had Ashley and claws to sky wondering where she went wrong with me.

I constantly get on this blog and write manifestos to myself about buckling down, exercising, reading more, writing more, being more creative and productive and I keep it up for a few days if I'm lucky and fall back into the funk of just filling out job applications and watching television. And I am so sick of this fucking cycle. I have always had the best intentions, I just never know how the fuck to carry them out. I like to think that they will figure themselves out on their own and that is dead fucking wrong. All the people I'm envious of are my exact opposites. They don't sit still, they work hard, they put in the long hours, days and years to get where they are and have the leisurely lifestyles they have now. They didn't sit around and watch television and wait for something to just fucking happen. They maybe watched a lot of television or film early in life to maybe spark inspiration if that's the industry they're in and the talent they happen to have, but they don't lay in bed at 30 fucking years old weighing 300 pounds and just saying to themselves, "Yeahhh, some day."

Film stars, successful directors, CEO's, business executives all have had exponentially more drive and motivation that I have had in recent years. What the fuck happened to me? How did I give up on life so early on? Why was it so easy for me to just blame the rough times I had in my late teens and early 20's for the way my life is now? How was it so easy for me to go from Mr. Innocent high school kid who never got detention to experimenting with drugs and hanging out with low lives and being so oblivious to the straying from one path to another? I miss the old me so much. The old me would kick the new me's ass.

Jenn means so much to me and I am so gratefully I haven't lost her. I deserved to lose her a million times already and have fucked up so much, it's beyond comprehension that we are still together and I am forever grateful for that and I hope to whatever God there is out there that I don't ever lose her. I genuinely, genuinely, genuinely, love her to death with every fiber of my being. Looking into her eyes, wrapping my arms around her, seeing her sleep peacefully in the morning because I almost always wake up first just all melts my heart and makes the world feel like such a great place. I'm choking up and weeping even more just thinking about it all.

I know I need to do this for myself, but Jenn is someone I do not want and cannot let down again. This is the 4th job I will have had since we met. In just under 2 years. I have be positive. I have to find something to like about the job. For starters, the hours are almost the same as my last job which means I will get out of work at 6pm the latest depending on my shift after training. I will be making the same money that I made at my last job, and like my last job it is only Monday through Friday. Those are all very good things, and if I lose this job, what are the odds I will find something like that a third time before I get my degree? Someone threw me a bone and I have to be grateful and appreciate it.

If I write in this blog here today that I vogue to read this weekend, will I? If I write in this blog that I need to type 5000 words of a story, draw something I am proud of in my sketchbook, exercise a certain amount or do something else productive, does it mean I will do it necessarily? No, it doesn't. But one thing I do know for sure that writing this blog entry has taught me (something that I hopefully already knew but just haven't thought about enough), is that I hate regrets and I don't want to regret anything else ever again. I don't mean ordering a hamburger instead of the shrimp scampi. I mean wasted time. Wrong life choices. Saying things you can't take back. Spending money I don't have. Doing things you can't undo. I have had more than enough life experience and practice in those fields for 5 lifetimes.

If you're reading this Jenn, please know that I love you. I am going to make you prouder than you've ever been of me before, and I am going to make me proud of myself too. Not just because I have a job, but because I have turned over a new leaf. I am going to go into work every single day with an absolutely positive attitude. I am going to give it my all everyday, the same way I did early on at Medi-Pharmaceutical and wound up getting a 2 dollar pay-raise in a week. I am going to let all the stressful customers and tasks roll off my shoulders and move on unscathed. I can't expect every day to be perfect, and I know that. No one's is. We all just keep moving on and live our lives. I am going to treat school the same way when that time comes. And although its going to be tough to start school again, I am excited and just knowing I'm going to be going back soon enough makes me excited because I know I am moving in the right direction. My teens are long and gone. My twenties are dead too. But I still have more than a half a life left to live, and it can still be amazing; even more-so it can be amazing together. You don't need me to tell you how proud of you I am, but I want you to know I am. You didn't fuck around. You made all the right choices, you're smart, you were decisive and got an amazing early start in a fabulous career and there is no doubt you deserve everything you have going for you (minus the divorce of course) and a whole lot more! And you deserve the amazing family you have. They're amazing people and you deserve them.You're one of the smartest people I know, I could never thank you enough for giving someone like me the time of day..again..and again..and again..and again. And in case you missed it at the beginning of the paragraph...I love you so  much and wish so badly you were here right now, but I know I will see you soon.

"The best revenge is living well." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Work now, play later." - Mr. Galfano, 10th Grade Social Studies Teacher, Centereach, NY

Gully of Shit

Safe in bed, then a catastrophic glimpse

The ghostly man howls, shaking the mist

I peak out and suddenly out in the darkest of halls

The silence grows loud and the darkness so light

The gully of shit calls from deep in the night

Another question raised

 But I dare not to ask

I know for a fact they put moose piss inside my flask 

My skin is so itchy, my muscles so tight

I've lost control of my thoughts and there's sand in my eyes

The road was once in front, I was on it, I could feel its warmth

The ambitions, the connections, the love and hope making me whole

The gully of shit is always hungry