Embittered

How is it I ever gave a fuck?
Burn it all down, burn it all down now
How is it I ever opened this book?
Fuck it all up, fuck it all up now
Why would I even attempt this?
Burnt to the ground, burnt to the ground now
I can't change the ending
So I'm walking away, walking away now!

This is the track that runs out of road
This is the path where you're always alone

Spare me!
I gave it my all and--
This dream!
Is falling apart and--
My fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

What the fuck was I thinking?
Erase all I've done, erase all I've done now
I know I'll never be happy
Knocked on the ground, knocked on the ground now
I live where it's always raining
Drown in these thoughts, drown in these thoughts now
There's no hope worth keeping
Thrown in the trash, just let it rot now!

This is the track that runs out of road
This is the path where you're always alone

Spare me!
I gave it my all and--
This dream!
Is falling apart and--
My fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

Barren and devoid of life
Bittersweet goodbyes
God can't save me!

In a world that's filled with hatred
Inadvertently gaining momentum
This demise so undesired
Can't recall what I ever admired
How dare I have aspirations
Dare I ask to be considered
This uncomfortably comfortable darkness
Flowing tears lead me to jagged cliffs!

Let me jump, let me jump
Let me fall, let me fall
Let me go right now!

Spare me!
I gave it my all and--
This dream!
Is falling apart and--
My fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

Spare me!
I gave this my all and--
My dreams!
Are falling apart and--
My worst fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

Scrupulous

One more time I wither alone
These solemn groans
Of which no one knows
My will to persist is running so thin
Wave a flag, just fuckin' let me win

These cards - that I hold
Reappeared - ten fold
The sky always looks so dark from here..no

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
So where's the way out?

To this day I'm still hearing those sounds
They haunt my dreams
Never let me sleep (let me sleep, let me sleep)
Feel destroyed - hopes continue to wither
Wave the flag, just fuckin' wave the flag

Forsake - such swine
They knew - the whole time
Why did I let them so close to me?
I will not let them get close to me..

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
So where's the way out?

Where is the way out?
Get me the fuck out!

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
There is no way out

The Cycle

Again this morning, I felt alone
I look around to see a truth that follows
Silent rooms

Again tonight, the tears just fall
This reticence speaks to me in volumes
Lovely gloom

Oh, why? Why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
Can't this pain just die?

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
Just another lonely day

I see no reason to even move
So antagonistic is this sunrise
I don't care

This reality into which I'm bound
Is so desolate and feels so hollow
No one's there

Oh, why? Why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
Please just tell me why

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
Just another lonely day

Why, why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
It just never dies

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With even more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
It's just another lonely day

Expunge

Catastrophe - That's all I am

I'm never free - I realized

 Something I hoped for

In ashes on the floor

It's gone

I'm done

I dreamed of a world

Where it's never raining

I watched it die

I saw open spaces

Where there were no traces

Of he who died

Demon from above - He steals the light

Lost of all resolve - I'm unwilling to fight

 I cannot go on..I cannot go on..no longer go on

 Something I hoped for

In ashes on the floor

It's gone

I'm done

I dreamed of a world

Where it's never raining

I watched it die

I saw open spaces

Where there were no traces

Of he who died

Who died..who died

Who's he who died?

Don't worry - He died

Who's he who died?

He was a lie!

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone

Gone

I'm done

Serrated

Placed, woke up in this space
Dreaming of that face
Running out of patience
While weeping for those thoughts erased
All emotions run, the worst has just begun
Stuck in this dreary microcosm
I feel my soul's on fire

This is not the world I once knew
I have never felt so unglued
No one here believes
All my trust is gone

Why keep trying, I know I'll never fuckin' make it

I am trapped in a world full of shit, I know this now!
I am indeed in a world full of shit, I know!

Blank, surrendered for my own sake
Again in my master's wake
Hold me back before I fuck it up
Tell me now, am I too late?
With such brittle knees
The task sits incomplete
"I never gave a fuck"
Once said a brilliant liar

My impression always meant shit
I know I've always lacked good judgment
Just ignore me, please
That's all I ever will deserve

I tried again and again I didn't fuckin' make it

I am trapped in a world full of shit, I know this now!
I am indeed in a world of shit, I know!

I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these endearing feelings have all died!

Murky, bloody, muddied!
These tepid waters stewing irrevocably with ambiguous rage which irks and must be known
You can't heal this pain, you can't heal this pain
God has again won, yet he won't get out of my way

Tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why!!!

I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these endearing feelings have all died

Have died..all died..

Vestige

Woeful thoughts, just fade away

Creeping closer every day

Line's been crossed, I'm now myself

These icy feelings long to melt

Not a vestige left of him

Speak in truth's, not meant to sin

What you see is the real me

Hold this knife and set me free

Empty shells speak of what can be

Ghosts of time still scream at me

True soul inside cries, "let me feel"

Let this life sentence be repealed

These tears that fall are all I see

Invisible, I long to be

I fear tomorrow, I fear this dream

I fear this life and all it means 

These dirty deeds are sure to be what consumes me

I did it all, guilty as sin inside

Please part these clouds, lost alone in the darkness

If doomed to fail, please just let me close these eyes

One more time..

Looking and feeling good today.

I am just a few days shy of 7 months on hormone replacement therapy. I've lost nearly 80 pounds now and I am feeling great about myself. Today I am feeling better than I have on any day since Mother's Day passed. I hope I continue to feel this good. Here are some pictures of my progress thus far.

Mother's Day

There's no one left in my life to send this to

There is no one left to call

And what would I even say?

If I had a mother on this day

And I know I'm a stranger now 

There is really no one left at all

And I know I'm a stranger now

And if I wanted to forget you exist, I can't

And if I wanted to fill this hole, I can't

There is really no one left to call

My mother on this day

It breaks my heart to close this book

It breaks my heart and the life this took

I love you even as I leave

And I know you won't believe

CurSmudgeon

Hey, misery--this light shines bright over you
So slovenly this light burns out
And there's the void..no

Spared!
Spared!

I don't want it!
Far from the finish, fighting like fuck and then snagged again on your hook
Fucked!
I just hate it!
This God that you love just never stops fucking with me!

I'm just a..
I'm fucked - curSmudgeon

A contrarian that hunts and seeks from the dark
I fret to make a sound
I know all mean me more than harm..no

Spared!
Spared!

I don't want it!
Far from the finish, fighting like fuck and then snagged again on your hook
Fucked!
I just hate it!
This God that you love just never stops fucking with me!

I'm just a..
I'm fucked - curSmudgeon

Spared!
Spared!

Or so I thought this time!
Blinded by my own fucked up naivete!
I hate it! I hate it all!
I'm in this now, whether anyone else is or not!
I don't! I don't want it!
You never knew what the fuck it is I care about!
 
Fucked! Fucked! Fucked!!!!!

Jaxarol

Hold me down

Against the ground

And squeeze these toxins from me

Hold me down

Don't make a sound

Let's set all these demons free

I've looked up to the sky

And I've asked why

I've cried all alone at night

And screamed why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know

And I still pretend not to know why

Pull me down

Out from the clouds

Again I have failed to see

All these fears

Leave things unclear

To the point of catastrophe

I've taken a look at my life

And I've asked why

I decided that I'd try again

And then asked why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know

And I still pretend that I do not know why

Hold me down..until I drown..

The future feels so bleak

I can't pretend

That these wounds will mend

I know there's no hope left for me

I've looked up to the sky

And I've asked God why

I've cried all alone at night

And screamed why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know..

I reach up to the sky

And scream why

I cry alone every night

And scream why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know

And I still pretend that I do not know why..

Quitter Loves The Shitter

Girly had a dream
Girly had been dreaming
Girly had a goal
Girly saw it getting bigger
Girly loved her life
Girly loved her friends
Girly loved her girl
And girly's now a quitter

This is what it has always lead to
The world's just a shit-ridden sea
This is the world that we've always lived in
No peace when you're always besieged

I'm so tired of society and what it means
I'm so tired of trying to fit myself into this fucking scheme

Girly did her best
And girly was a fighter
Girly was a champion
And girly was no quitter
Girly had fallen down
Girly got back up again
Girly told them to eat their shit
But girly's now a quitter

I'm so tired of society and what it means
I'm so tired of trying to fit myself into this fucking scheme

Dead-ends are what every path always leads to
Lost again in this shit-ridden sea
This is the world that we've always been privy to
Besieged even when you're fast asleep

Daddy-dearest was a quitter
Was never, ever, ever afraid to lose
And mommy-dearest was a cunt-rag
Shitter shitter shitter shitter shitter shitter shitter!

I'm so tired of society and what it means
I'm so tired of trying to fit myself into this fucking scheme

I'm so tired of society and what it means
I'm so tired of trying to fit myself into this fucking scheme!