Forlorn

There's too much of nothing
So forlorn remains the space inside of my heart
That I keep in hopes that this won't remain such a lonely place

I can't stay
I have no reason left to stay here
There's no one left that sees any value left in me

I wake up with this face
And this mood can and will only make it harder
To smile, to go on, be nice and bring people into my space

I don't know
Why it always has to be this way
There's no hope left that things will ever, ever change

Goodbye
To the friends I will never make
Goodbye
To the loves that left me astray
Goodbye
To the friends who went away
Goodbye
To the loves I left in the rain

The sky falls on this place
As I stand alone in complete disgrace
Wipe clean and pat dry--I wish I could get another try

With this brain
I can't see how the old me won't be mourned
It seems now that place inside me will always be forlorn

Goodbye
To the friends I will never make
Goodbye
To the loves that left me astray
Goodbye
To the friends who went away
Goodbye
To the loves I left in the rain

These Feelings Inside

I've been living so long with these feelings inside
That I almost believe that they're me
I've been drowning so long in these feelings I hold
That they've carved the course and carried me--all along--wherever they go

These feelings inside--subtly clenching at the reigns
Again won't let the love or the joy get near
I missed it when it wasn't here, it came, and now it is gone
I am now staring at the darkest of my fears

These feelings inside--they turn the day into night
Things were brighter and were better once upon a time
I can scream into the void and I can scream at the sky
I have finally realized that the truth I knew was always a lie

These feelings inside--stubborn as I mourn in the dark
Crying for the death of this place
Made of stone, but intricate and absent of thought
I've always felt so lost in this cold

These feelings inside--blocking old memories
I call out for an angel, someone who knows the real me
Dead for the last time--I condemn all these feelings inside
I want the reigns, I want the right, to burn it all down

These feelings inside.

New Blog

I am starting a new blog at: https://letmeberachel.blogspot.com/

BUT...

This blog will continue on and will be used and posted to just as often as it always has been, as it is now linked and administrated using my newer Google account. However I felt inclined to start a new blog that originated from my new Google account as well--one dedicated to the person I am becoming, and one that maybe down the line will become my sole blog when I am ready,

Irredeemable

Can you see me? You shouldn't see me

It's so easy to believe in null

I believe in null

All attention--misdirected

Bled of value

I just sit and rot

And she loves me not

Old wounds bleed on

As fools press on

The road is narrow--This time is borrowed

I know the ending and there's no surprise

All that's living dies

I cannot be saved--My soul is depraved

Inside of this heart is a big black hole

And it swallows souls

Old wounds bleed on

As fools press on

There's no light down this road

In the darkness we divide

Peace has long been absent

Bathe in these eyes--Can you see?

Can you see me? You shouldn't see me

Can you see me?

I believe in null

Old wounds bleed on

As fools press on

Old wounds bleed on

No, I can't go on!

Terminally Ill

On the day I finally uttered to myself that I knew it
On the day I finally realized that everything was made of shit
On the day I decided it's time to go
On the day I realized nowhere was home!!!

Today was the day, yeah
I searched all over
Today was the day, yeah
I searched all over

So, I will if you don't and I'm never trying again
And I will if you don't so don't ever bother again

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude

On the day I realized I was terminally ill
On the day this painful ride lost it's sickly thrill--my bones chilled
On the day I realized I have a toxic mind
Can't be kind and can't rewind!!!

Today is that day, yeah
I searched all over
Today was the day, yeah
I searched all over

So, I will if you don't and I'm never trying again
And I will if you don't so don't ever bother again

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know I'm crude

I knew it--when I was born--that I shouldn't of been
I said I will--if you don't--so, can we never do this again?

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude

I tried it before and I don't want to again

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude

Fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
I know it's rude
So fuck off--this is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
This is my goodbye
This is my goodbye!!!

Ether

"Where we belong
There's no one to hurt
It's some place that we can't be found
Where we belong
It's darker than space
A feeling that we all push down
So it can't be found"

 - Matt Holt, Nothingface

GoFundMe. Please.

Any readers out there, who can, or are willing: I am desperate. Please help.

https://www.gofundme.com/LetMeBeRachel

Falter

Watch me falter
Watch me as I flirt with disaster
Busting bottles--why do I bother each day?

Watch me hinder
Watch as the the hardest gets even harder
Sometimes I pray--and sometimes I just feel like I'm falling away even further and further--

The end feels closer
The argument for trying gets even flimsier
Towel thrown in--end this faster

I just smile and cry as I fall away even further and further..

I cry softly
Alone to myself in my bed
These scars feel like--bad dreams that keep clawing at me, ripping at me, RIPPING AT ME!

Watch me enter
The final stages of shame
Grief for my soul--Will circle my brain as the ending keeps coming for me, COMING FOR ME!

Nothing matters
It's almost like chasing the wind
Life comes unglued--I'm just smiling and crying as I keep falling further and further away...

Out

I know according to you it's always one way
The facts couldn't possibly matter less

Your continued compulsions have driven in this wedge
To the the point where I couldn't possibly give any less of a shit

I no longer believe in you, and I no longer believe in trusting

I also no longer believe in true love, and I certainly don't believe in TRYING!!!

Without you, battled, bruised and I know what this proves

With you, battled, bruised..

Without you, battled and bruised, oh, so many ways to say FUCK YOU!

Without you

Circumstantial and always misleading

How fucking dumb do you think I am?

You prey on my reactions like a carnival clown would

And I'm too sick of this shit to shut up and nod my head

You always make it exhausting, and you always test my patience

You can turn flowers to shit with just one word, and I have come to loathe your EXISTENCE!

Without you, battled, bruised and I know what this proves

With you, battled, bruised..

Without you, battled and bruised, oh, so many ways to say FUCK YOU!

Without you

Just one way out

Where is the way out?

Just let me out

Get me the fuck out

Your endless selfies cannot hide it
The sad fact that you've turned me grey

I sometimes wonder if you're really in your thirties
Or if I really need to just let you go outside and play

I am through with forgiveness--I have given you everything

I am also through with the arguments and completely through with TRYING!!!

Without you, battled, bruised and I know what this proves

With you, battled, bruised..

Without you, battled and bruised, oh, so many ways to say I HATE YOU!

Without you

Without you, without you, without you, without you...

I hate my life.

I am going to die alone and forgotten.

To those who just "don't understand."

    I wouldn't wish gender dysphoria on my worst enemy. To know day in and day out that your brain and body don't match up, and that to try and go about life the way you feel comfortable means non-stop judgment left and right, fearful and sickened looks, sneers and the loss of family and friends is simply put, a living-nightmare from the moment you're born that doesn't end until the moment you die. 

    I don't fucking get it. What the fuck is so hard to understand? It should be no harder to wrap your head around than homosexuality or bisexuality. People who just fail to "understand" it are ignorant, prejudice-harboring pieces of shit in my opinion. Maybe I am speaking out of hurt, heartbreak, anger or my own fears because I am officially without a mother, a father, a stepfather, a sister, a cousin, aunt, uncle or fucking grandparent in the world to turn to for a single word of encouragement or for even as little as a single roll of fucking toilet paper, but that's how I feel and I stand by it.

    If you can accept two people of the same gender fucking and/or getting married, you should be able to also wrap your precious little brain around, understand and accept that the brain's inherent gender-identity and the body's assigned sexual anatomy at birth don't always necessarily match up, the same way that sometimes the brain's inherent sense of sexual attraction and the body's assigned gender at birth don't always match up. Why would I choose this for myself? Why would I or anyone else put ourselves through this? It kills me every day, and I have to re-reconcile with the fact everyday of my life that I missed out on growing up female. I will never be naturally referred to as a girl, a woman or with the proper accompanying pronouns either.

    People who treat me as a woman won't ever do it naturally, but out of a sense of moral obligation if ever at all. I will always be a social pariah within certain circles, and to some degree always discriminated against, hated, have death wished upon me and worse. My body will never naturally produce estrogen which tears me the fuck apart too. I'll never, EVER, no matter what I do, ever in anyway be a natural woman. I'll have to take hormones forever and this entire thing will cost me over $50,000 by the end of it all. I have just been disowned by my entire family, I am in college full-time (and struggling), I have like $40 in the bank, I'm on disability and have a shit job. 

    As many problems as I have outside of my gender dysphoria, I would probably have none of them if I were born the gender I have always felt inside. To feel one way and have a reflection in the mirror that not only feels nothing like you on the inside, but is also the complete and total opposite gender, which determines your place in society, how you are treated and accepted throughout the course of your entire life is completely and utterly debilitating, disheartening, and leaves me feeling absolutely empty, hopeless, disillusioned, misunderstood and alone.

    Anyone who doesn't even take the time to try and understand that before judging others, especially people within their own family or who at one time happened to be one of their closest friends are thoughtless, vile creatures and they will always hold a special place in my heart right next to the old shit-covered truck-stop bathroom stall that houses my feelings for the Westboro Baptist Church and others like it.

    How nice it would be to not wake up tomorrow...

So alone.

I've never felt so alone in my life. All I want is for someone to hold me while I cry and tell me, "everything is going to be alright."

"We Will Get Through This Together"

This will serve as a reminder in those dark moments when tears begin to fall, when all hope feels lost--when the feelings of loneliness and dread are too overbearing to feel or remember anything else.

This will serve as reminder that I am not actually alone--that there is love out there for me, and that I have found that love and companionship that I have been searching for all these years in you. 

As you have said, we WILL get through this together. I love you dearly, always and forever.

💚

Entwined

Spent many days caught--entwined deep within a defenseless crater

The specter of hate spills rhetoric with the intention of causing only pain and anger

I've seen you--I've seen this

I have drank your mixes of vinegar and piss

I have seen all you do

I've been there--I'VE GONE THROUGH!

Drops of blood that run down the sides slow their pace, stop then dry

The weariness brought on by decades spent living in the shadows--abandoned, denied 

You can't win--There is no game

Fuck you all because I have no shame

I have sacrificed all I can

I've gone through and I won't pretend

The best revenge I have ever known

Is the kind that knocks you off your throne

I am that sting deep within your mind

I am your countless fears--entwined

Out There

Woke up that morning in a daze listening to the rain
Listening to it pitter-patter against the roof and against the window pane
The grey turns to bluer skies--conscientiously, my motives die
It's all imprinted within the rules of what's wrong and right

I've been to the edge--walked back, walked forward and then back again
Why? I don't know

It's those feeling that you harbor which will always pierce your armor and always has all along

Out there--things can feel so strange
Out there--it's hard not to take the bait..

From a small northeastern town where the opinionated dwell
He tried and searched the Earth for a greater purpose
He searched far and wide, up, down and side to side
The world had never seemed so full--or so empty

A soul so rabid and all too skittish--would never be able to forego showing any blemish
And yet a soul so flawed and misunderstood will always having trouble acting normal when he walks on

Out there--unloading all my shame
Out there--trying to play the game
Out there--trying to rise up just like a phoenix--and not be sacrificed like a lamb
Out there--love keeps slipping through my hands..

Better off on dark nights when the wind blows against the will
Of the voices in my head
Better off when the altruistic forces show themselves in
It's not what it seems in the end

Love keeps slipping through my hands
Yes--it hurts--that love just keeps slipping through my hands

There was a time not too long ago in a distant place--where the world around me didn't seem defaced
And all alone, I keep wandering

I have looked up at the cliffs and I have thought about jumping
I have before felt this tired of life
I have before felt this tired of something

Out there--it never leaves my mind
Out there--I've had lots of time
Out there--it's easy to start feeling nervous
And even easier to take the bait
Out there--it can be very, very, very very lonely

There is just nothing--nothing out there
That I haven't seen or touched or felt or
Laughed or cried or bled for
I swear to you that I have always fought so goddamn hard

I feel so lost and alone--out there
I said I feel so lost and alone--out there
And there is absolutely nothing--nothing out there

It is time.

This is going from heartbreaking and sad to actually making me fucking angry. It's just not a good day and there's a grim vibe in the air that seems to mesh well with the hazy overcast that has masked the sky all morning and afternoon. It feels like death. It feels like I am in the movie, "Flatliners."

Despite the mood of the day, I have kept busy--very busy. I've made over 100 dollars today so far in fares. But, what is it exactly that is going from "heartbreaking and sad" to actually becoming infuriating? My inability to say, "fuck her, I don't care anymore" and the coinciding inability to not let reminders of her get to me anymore. I've given 13 rides today so far, and in that time I have had to pass by the mall, Hobby Lobby, Friendly's The Carmike, 420 Peace Avenue (The one near Stuart), Hoffman's, Wine and Barley, Chili's, Total Wine and More etc....

However, it was when I was stuck waiting for someone right outside the Saint Lucie Draft House an hour ago, I started to tear up like she just dumped me yesterday.

I do not have the will to contact her without asking her out, or at least asking if she is still dating. I know the answer I am going to get and I am not going to like it. And when she says it, I will not be able to move past it.

She has stopped contacting me too. Maybe she didn't like a post I wrote on here. Maybe she is head over heels in love at this point and she just doesn't give a fuck about me anymore. Maybe she think she's doing me a favor by going dark. Maybe she just thinks the ball is in my court.

Whatever the reason is, I shouldn't care. I've wasted enough of my finite time on this plane of existence pining over her. I should be spending the night in my bed with a gorgeous fucking woman who likes Bill Maher, who isn't going to just barely pretend to appreciate the expensive fucking Fossil watch I bought her for our 1st Christmas together and also likes me for me; who isn't married to someone else and isn't ever going to go off on a voyage to Atlanta and erase me from her life.

Which is why I will never mention her on here again.

With the antlers and red fucking nose.

This is my second week back in school. Everything is going well so far, and my math professor is much easier to understand this time around which is a big plus.

Hazel and her daughter are camping out in my spare bedroom for a few weeks which is weird since I just spent two weekends helping her move. She hasn't explained much and I haven't tried to pry. All I know is that it seems that she and her significant other are not doing well.

I sit in bed at 1:53am unable to sleep still wishing I was holding her in my arms, kissing her on the back and on the neck, feeling her bare skin against mine. I miss her voice so god damn much. I miss her eyes and her smile and her intelligence and her scent and her little peacock-colored Versa with the antlers and red fucking nose during the holidays.

I have just one question...how in the fuck do I escape this prison of STILL loving someone I can never have?

Time takes it all.

"Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

I Hate the Morning

           

A swollen sun melting in the horizon

Between the sheets where I wait for her to come
A living flame, impossible to resist
Burning me deep with every bite, kiss and lick

I'm haunted
I'm haunted
I'm haunted (by her)

Invades my sleep with tumescent intentions
Hades I'm sure must be missing a demon

I hate the morning
I hate the morning

From the panes a green mist swirls
Is it a shadow of reflection?
This apparition in moon beams bathed
A voice like wind through trees beckons
Cool rain on hot summer stone
The odor fills my presence
Of freshly dug grave and death and night
These things are her essence
Nocturnal mistress, spirit lover
Your mouth of wine and wooksmoke taste
My goddess of the violet twilight
You are lust incarnate
In the sweat of my bed
The eastern sky hints of dawning
Alone and awake but exhausted I lie
Oh how I hate the morning

I hate the morning (light)
I hate the morning (light)

I'm haunted
I'm haunted
I'm haunted (by her)

8/5/2017

I wish I knew how to say "no," but it seems I still don't. Hazel asked me at the very last minute to help her move last week, and I dropped everything to do it. We rented a box truck, and loaded all her furniture and some boxes from her house onto the truck and into a storage unit, just the two of us. I can't deny that yet again the déjà vu was extremely palpable, and it really started to get to me. Then last night, she sent me a text at around 10:00pm and asked if I could help her finish moving this morning, and I obliged. Where's her amazing boyfriend she always talks about? He can't help?

Me: an amazingly loyal friend who will always help, never saying no even if I now only hear from you when you need something...and eternally unworthy loveless, lonely fool.

I just want something I can never have.

But hey, at least everyone else I know is happy and has someone to love right? That's all that matters..  

In the words of Peter Steele, "I hate the morning."

7/23/2017

     I feel it's about time for a regular update. With a month left until school resumes, I feel I have done a good job of keeping pretty busy this summer. I added a bookcase and some new bar-stools (WITH BACKS) to the house. It's nice to be able to see my books on display in the dining room, and not have them all hiding in cabinets anymore. Plus, the bar-stools I got are wooden and actually match the kitchen counter, so that was a nice touch. I am continuing to stay disciplined on the dietary and exercise fronts, and I just reached my 50th and 51st 5-star ratings as an Uber Driver today which was cool. Lyft doesn't have as a large a market in the area, but the 5 star ratings continue to come in either way. It's kept me pretty busy with work being so slow, and it's a nice way to meet new people. Someone I picked up who lives on my street just a few doors down invited me out for drinks. On Friday, some girl I was driving to work complimented my rear-view mirror ornaments and showed me all these drawings of Batman villains that she's been working on. She seemed really cool. So, all in all things continue to go well.

     We are half-way through the year, and as if Adam West, Greg Allman, Martin Landau, Roger Moore, Jonathan Demme, Don Rickles, Bill Paxton and Chris Cornell weren't enough, just this week we have lost another. Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park and up until recently lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots (whose original lead singer also died), died of an apparent suicide on what would of been the 53rd birthday of Chris Cornell who also comitted suicide just a few months ago. It's sobering to see all these faces I grew up knowing and in some cases idolizing just suddenly check out one after another without warning. Some you know are coming, some are just way out of left field. It's all sad either way.

     I find it funny how even after all the countless instances we have seen of provocative and controversial social media posts made by celebrities and public figures over the years thinking that they were saying something witty, edgy, insightful, or that needed saying for one reason or another and ultimately ended up in deep shit for it and/or retracting it, that people continue to do this as if they haven't learned a fucking thing from anyone else who has done it and ended up recanting. Brian Welch (overall uninformed/misinformed recovering meth addict and guitarist of Korn) took it upon himself to post on Facebook about his frustration with musicians who commit suicide, and stated that Chester took the coward's way out, which a lot of other people found insensitive, and the backlash caused him to backpedal and apologize just a little while later. Let me be clear--I am not one of these social justice warrior, lib-tard, politically-correct whiny fucking babies. It's his right to say it, it's his right to feel that way, no one is arguing that. It's everyone American's right to express their beliefs, say what they want, act how they want, and be as uncensored and as undiplomatic about it as they wish. I wouldn't have it any other way. But, somewhere along the way in this country, it just seems that common sense and voluntary self-discretion went out the fucking window and a whole new level of cynicism that makes even me sick along with a newfound desire for verbal combativeness came center-stage regardless of who it may hurt along the way; regardless of whether what is being stated is even correct, or even makes a single valid point. People just seem to want to hurt each other.

Welcome to Earth.

   

Song of the Day

                                                          
This is the first day of my last days
I built it up, now I take it apart
Climbed up real high, now fall down real far
No need for me to stay the last thing left I just threw it away

I put my faith in God and my trust in you
Now there's nothing more fucked up I could do
   
Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you
   
I'm the one without a soul, I'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell, twenty-six years on my way to Hell
Gotta listen to your big time, hard line, bad luck, fist fuck

Don't think you're having all the fun
You know me, I hate everyone

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

I want to but I can't turn back
But I want to...

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

In this world full of you
In this world full of you
In this world full of you
In this world full of you

Just like in Bible Club.

Why couldn't I sleep last night? Why am I so anxious this morning? Why do I continue to care so much and hang on every fucking word like a devout Christian during Bible Study? Why do I put myself through this? Why, oh why.. after nearly 12 hours am I still worried about whether or not a woman who's face I haven't seen for a year and will probably never see again, who has absolutely no romantic interest in me and probably never will again, who has absolutely no feelings or love for me anymore and probably never will again is skeptical or not about whether or not I actually learned a thing or two about correctly handling uncertainty regarding inflection and context in text messages?

Why the fuck do I care what she thinks? Why did I even go as far as to try and explain that potential conflicts regarding this topic are not an issue for me anymore? Did I think she was going to say, "Oh, okay. That's all I needed to hear. Let's date again!" No, I knew better than that. But, foolishly, I still had some small amount of unwarranted hope. And while I know in the back of my head that she may of been playing and I could of simply asked if she was seriously skeptical or just joking, I couldn't bring myself to go there because it's a slippery slope, and I didn't want it to turn into another round of, "Beg for Jenn Back."

She is done with me. She loves someone else. She has eyes only for him now. It's over. She's not thinking about me anymore. She's not worrying about what I think. She's doesn't care whether or not I am thinking about her at all quite frankly. The time we spent together doesn't mean anything to her anymore. For her, it's part of the distant past and nothing more. I didn't make her happy. I wanted to, I tried to, and I would give absolutely anything for the chance to try again. Unfortunately though, I never made her happy. I failed miserably. I made HER miserable, and nothing I can say or do or even attempt to prove to her will so much as make her even want to ponder the idea of giving me another chance.

So why do I care? Why do I allow myself to stay up all night tossing and turning? Why do I still allow myself hang on her every word and GIF image whether she meant it or not?

Because I am a sad, pathetic, love-sick little bitch who helplessly continues to hold a torch for someone who has long-since moved on and no longer gives me a second thought. I can sit around hoping she will come back forever, but I don't think she ever will and it kills me to face that reality. It hurts so much, I can't put it into words. Unrequited love is a beast all it's own. And it feels like a fight that I am never going to see the end of.

Christopher Hall can speak for me tonight.

I was 11 years old when I first heard the Stabbing Westward album, "Wither Blister Burn & Peel" which contained the single, "What Do I Have to Do?" It was a great song on a great album. I subsequently ended up becoming a much more serious fan of this band afterwards. Tonight, Christopher Hall can speak for me. There's no point in getting into a long winded rant. His lyrics sum it all up just fine.


                                      

You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think
This all could be for nothing
I wish there was a way
For you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
About anyone or anything
Tell me..

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?

I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what loving you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, so tell me...

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
Just tell me, tell me!

How can I..how can I..how can I..

What do I have to do to make you want me?
What do I have to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you love me?
And, if I can't make you love me
Just tell me what do I have to do, to forget about you?

A Moment to Reflect

"I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect."

"It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you'd be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you're going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn't be there. Either that, or you'd confide in them and you added to their problems. All you ever really had was yourself, and that sort of sucked if you were less than reliable."

"If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate."

"Love is the sister to Truth, but they differ in two ways. You must go to Truth to find her. She will never come looking for you. However, you are never to go looking for her sister Love. Love will find you in your own divine timing, when you are ready for her. So don't look, she will come. She always does."

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles."

"Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion."

"Most things are forgotten over time. Even the war itself, the life-and-death struggle people went through is now like something from the distant past. We’re so caught up in our everyday lives that events of the past are no longer in orbit around our minds. There are just too many things we have to think about everyday, too many new things we have to learn. But still, no matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. They remain with us forever, like a touchstone."

"If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them."

"We cannot decide to love. We cannot compel anyone to love us. There's no secret recipe, only love itself. And we are at its mercy--there's nothing we can do."

"I’ve dreamed a lot. I’m tired now from dreaming but not tired of dreaming. No one tires of dreaming, because to dream is to forget, and forgetting does not weigh on us, it is a dreamless sleep throughout which we remain awake. In dreams I have achieved everything."

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

"Only a weak person needed someone else around all the time."

"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life."

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

"If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong."

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."

"Toxic feelings can kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. Even a broken heart can kill you. There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief."

"Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while, so when you are lonely, remember this is true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you."

"If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for."

"A photograph shouldn't be just a picture, it should be a philosophy."

"People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones."

"To assess the quality of thoughts of people, don't listen to their words, but watch their actions."

"There is a difference between WISHING for a thing and being READY to receive it. No one is ready for a thing, until he believes he can acquire it. The state of mind must be BELIEF, not mere hope or wish. Open-mindedness is essential for belief."

"When you are lonely for a while don't get restless, if you had born alone, you are going to die alone then for sometime you can certainly live alone."

"Never prove people right. Never prove them wrong. Prove instead that you make your own path in life."

"Desire is craving enough to sacrifice for."

"Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love."

"Sometimes it’s only in the ecstasy of unrepressed movement that we may enter the stillness of our authentic selves. In such sacred moments, the world seems to be in step. This is why the idea of finding love across the dance floor endure — symbolizing that, when we know the true rhythm of our heart, we know the other."

"When the sun has set, no candle can replace it."

You're not so hard to forget with all the lights out.

All I Want

I just want to start this post by saying to my readers that everything is okay and I feel fine. My previous post was simply just poetry--something I often post to this blog. All is well and I have inflicted no harm to myself nor have I even toyed with the idea. I was just playing around with FL Studio as I often do, the creative juices were flowing and some lyric ideas came to mind; so I documented them for reference--as I often do.

Things are continuing to go very well in many aspects of my life, and it's been a good summer so far. I've got a new(er) car, I've had the same job for almost a year, I'm healthier, I'm happy and even-tempered, I'm more focused than I have ever been, school's going well, I've built a routine for myself and I have eliminated and changed all of my old habits. If she could only see me now, I know she'd be so proud. I want so badly to talk to her and I know all I have to do is text her and say "hi," but as I have said before, it's just not that easy for me (for obvious reasons). But even more-so, I want to see her face again. I want to hug her and softly kiss her on the forehead. I want to hold her hand again. I want to treat her to a fancy dinner and movie, I want to take her for a stroll on the beach hand-in-hand, I want to cuddle with her on the couch and watch the newest Iliza Shlesinger comedy special that continues to haunt my Netlifx queue, but I refuse to interfere in her life by asking.

I want her to be happy, and I know she is. I can only hope one day she will welcome the chance  for me to display and prove all I've learned and changed over these past 10 months since we last saw each other. The fact of the matter for me continues to be that no matter what I have going on, no matter who I meet, no matter what--there's nothing and no one that can take her place. She continues to be all I want.

Spout

Another tear falls from the heavens
I let her down, yet again I've let her down
I've arranged all of my sins into sevens
It picks me up, but then it throws me down

Such disdain
In my head
With red rooms
In my stead

Can the pieces go back together again?

These walls still speak for themselves
But then the blood spouts
Splitting the sides of my conscience
And then the blood spouts

Awaken to a nightmare that I thought I had passed
I hate it all, yes, I hate it all
I've committed more than enough of my time
It's a win for loss, and yes, it's fucking gross

Flowers rot
Laughs, cries
Smiles fade
Love dies

Can a perfect storm every come through again?

These walls still speak for themselves
But then the blood spouts
Splitting the sides of my conscience
And then the blood spouts

And then the blood spouts
And then the blood spouts
And then the blood spouts

I still refuse to give in
No matter how in doubt
I can't forget where I've been
Even when I'm in doubt

This is far from the end
So let the screams out
I know I've been here before
And I always find my way out

Movie Night

    I went with my friend Hazel to see the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie tonight. I didn't expect it to hit me the way it did, but between the 25 minutes of previews for a variety of upcoming comic book, fantasy, 3-D animated and science fiction movies combined with this being my first venture back into a movie theater since seeing "Suicide Squad" with her combined with the fact that this movie that Hazel picked out was so obviously a movie that I would of wanted to see with her, I found the experience difficult to enjoy. I found myself wanting to put up the arm rest on my right side and reach for a small, soft pale-skinned hand with beautiful slender fingers, and sexy long nails that wasn't there. I thought about the thoughtful discussions I used to have with her about whatever movie we'd just seen on our way out of the theater and on the car rides back home.

    Upon waiting for Hazel outside the bathroom following the movie, I experienced further déjà vu and almost convinced myself for a brief second that maybe I'd see her come out of the bathroom instead of Hazel. Afterwards as Hazel and I walked toward our cars, we discussed what we thought about the movie and what we might want to see next. When she said she wants to see the next "Fast and Furious" movie when it comes out, I chose not to respond.

I should of been there with you. 💔

Can you hear me?

Shadow, take me down
Shadow, take me down with you

For the last time
For the last time
For the last time
For the last time

You're in the water
I'm standing on the shore
Still thinking that I hear your voice
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

For the last time
For the last time
For the last time
For the last time

At night I'm driving in your car
Pretending that we'll leave this town
We're watching all the street lights fade
And now you're just a stranger's dream
I took your picture from the frame
And now you're nothing like you seem
Your shadow fell like last night's rain

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For the last time
For the last time
For the last time
For the last time

New Car

Today, I sold my car and bought a 2006 Subaru Forester. It wasn't easy. It was an emotional moment for me. I've made a lot of memories in that car in the short time I've owned it. It was time though. It was still driving--it never failed me, but it had electrical issues, the sunroof was leaking and it was burning oil. When I handed over the keys today, it had 207,607 miles on it. The Subaru I bought today has only 132,697 miles in comparison, and drives like a dream. It has an even larger sunroof than the Jeep does, it has an in-dash 6 disc changer, heated seats and all the other bells and whistles. And when I am ready, I can trade it in for something even newer and nicer. I look forward to making new memories in my new car.

KPPC

One of the most interesting places I have ever been to was only a ten minute drive from where I grew up in Smithtown, New York. Since 2002 when I first got my license, I have visited the abandoned Kings Park Psychiatric Center on Long Island dozens of times. I went there with girlfriends and buddies alike, having a blast every single time--most recently in 2012 with my friends Barbara, Cassie, and Mike shortly before coming to Florida. The police, at least from my experience--never seemed to care about kids exploring the grounds. I never captured any video footage and only took a few pictures because I was more interested in experiencing it rather than walking around while staring through my cell phone screen the entire time. I've seen and been inside all of the buildings that are explored in this video, but these people definitely covered a lot more ground and were a lot more thorough than we ever were. Building #93 (the 13 story building featured in the thumbnail image) still fascinates me today. I also enjoyed seeing all the aerial views of the property. Judging from the looks of the buildings inside and out, it's easy for one to believe these buildings must've been closed for 30 or 40 years. In reality though, the hospital complex shut its doors for good in 1995. It's beautiful, but haunting. Soothing, but ominous. If I didn't feel too old to explore abandoned buildings at this point (and if other circumstances were different), I could certainly think of someone that I would love to take there one day for a round of further exploration. However, I think I'd bring respirators this time around. I certainly wouldn't want someone I care about so much to inhale asbestos.

A rare throwback.

I went over to my mom's house for dinner tonight. Before leaving, I went into one of the bottom kitchen cabinets in search of some containers to take home leftovers and stumbled upon this TV tray that I used to use when I stayed home from school as early back as I can literally remember. I can't believe she still had it.

The selective song lyrics playing in my head on repeat.

Oh can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take.

Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace.
I dream at night, I can only see your face.
I look around but it's you I can't replace.
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace.
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

143....

Another Semester Over.

The semester has concluded. I was pleased to see that my final grades have drastically improved from last year. bringing up my GPA drastically. It is also nice to see that I am finally over the hump in terms of getting my degree. I'm now just under 54% done with my associates, and my counselor said that I can go for my bachelors if I choose, which I honestly wanted to do all along, but was never brought up as an option before. So, I definitely will take advantage of that. It is in fact what I wanted all along and I am excited to find out now that I can actually achieve this goal.

It is nice to see how proud everyone in my life is and how much more faith everyone seems to have in me these days. Friends old and new continue to show so much support, including people I haven't spoken to in years who I never expected to speak to again. More importantly, feeling proud of myself for the first time in years, feeling good about the things I am doing, and to have this self-confidence back that I have been lacking for so long is all too amazing.

I finally got around to taking a picture of Rocky and Forrest. They are doing a lot better, but they are still very easily spooked and uneasy around people, my mom and stepdad included. I can only imagine what those poor dogs have been through. The shelter said they're each only about a year old, but they look older, especially when you judge by their teeth. Either way, they are adorable and I hope they begin to feel more comfortable soon.

There is one other thing I need to say in this post that will eat away at me if I don't. There's someone out there who means a lot to me, who I--yes, love, who I haven't written about in months. I told this person that I wouldn't be a stranger, and for about 2 months now, I have been just that--a stranger. I feel bad about it, but on the other hand I wonder if it even makes a difference to this person anymore. They may of shrugged it off and moved on at this point for all I know. However, even with all I have going on and how much better I am doing, I continue to think about this person everyday. If they are by any chance reading this, and if they are actually disappointed that I haven't spoken to them, I want to apologize for being a stranger. When I said I wouldn't be a stranger, I meant it. I had every intention of keeping in touch.

The problem is, even with school, work, old friends, new friends, parties, family and occasional dating to distract me, I still love you. I still miss you. To this day, driving past the Saint Lucie Draft House evokes feelings I wish would just go away. So, I am sorry for being a stranger. It's not how I want it, believe me. I miss our weird conversations too. But, I also miss the laughs, I miss the fun, I miss the weekends, the road trips, the meals, the cooking, the snuggling, the cuddling, the kisses, the EVERYTHING. I want to talk to you so bad--to see you so bad, and wish quite often that you'd reach out with a text or call, or even just show up here. I know it's not going to happen though. What we had together is over and mending that is not up to me no matter how much I may still want it. The fact is, no matter how many women I talk to, hang out with or casually date, I continue to wish they were you.

Here are pictures of my current college stats and a picture of Rocky and Forrest 😀

The sum of all current feelings.

4/17/2017

Another semester winds down as I submit my final projects and prepare for final exams. This semester proved to be more demanding than the last one, but I have done a good job staying on top of my studies. I have assembled my schedule for next semester, which will consist of 3 online classes and one regular class. Online classes are okay, but I honestly prefer a classroom environment for certain studies because I feel the information is better absorbed with a professor not only giving a lecture, but also assisting with hands on demonstrations. Reading random web pages from a "virtual textbook" in an online class can prove difficult if it's a subject you're learning for the first time, especially with things like coding. It can be done though, it just requires a lot more time and effort, and it's rewarding if you can master it.

I was going to take summer classes, but the program I'm enrolled in doesn't offer much in the way of summer classes, so the summer will give more time to attack my reading list, make more money, increase the intensity of my exercise regiment, and attack some creating endeavors that have been left on the back-burner.

Things have certainly taken a turn for the better in the passing months, no doubt about it. I have met a lot of new people, I have gotten out of the funk I was in for so long, I have gone to parties, made new friends, I have met new women which I never thought would happen, and I have finally realized that not all is bad in the world. I haven't met the right one yet apparently, and I have had to actually let people go who I knew weren't right for me which is something I never thought I would be able to do only a short time ago, being how co-dependent and needy a person I was. I am proud of who I have become in such a short time, and I know good things lie ahead.

Almost a month later.

I haven't felt much like writing over the past month. Since my last post, all I've wanted to do was focus on executing the practices I mentioned at that time. Since that time, I've continued to do my exercises, focus on positive thinking, focus on school and just working on me.

Things are going okay. I actually met someone on OKCupid this month, though I wasn't actively looking. It was cool at first, but I stopped seeing her because she was crazy. Her name was Jamie, she was almost 2 years older than me, and a complete fucking nut job. She lives at home with her dad, she has no job, has no aspirations about going back to school, has had 3 kids with different fathers that she lost custody of, has a suspended driver's license from not paying child support, has previously spent over a month in a Colorado jail, believes she is going to start a "Universal Religion" and is engaged in an active pursuit to obtain followers online. I just couldn't do it. I had to remove her on Facebook and stop talking to her. How am I bettering myself or my life by being with someone like that?

I am just going to continue to do what I have been doing. I will continue to not care what people think, not care who is or is not in my life, not care about the past, and not dwell on what I no longer have. It has made my relationship with my family improve, it has helped my self-esteem, and has also helped me create an overall positive outlook. I will meet someone nice when the time is right; someone who is right for me and isn't insane.