I thought she knew I hated liars.

Now she thinks I'm "trolling" for new girls online and believes I am LYING about it.

I don't know where it goes from here, but I love her to no end. She is extremely special to me. I want no one else and I most certainly do not "troll" for other women online, or anywhere else.

I take the word "lie" very seriously. This has really crushed me. I don't know how to respond to this. I don't know what should happen next, if anything at all...

Lullaby

When I was young
And scared of the world
My mother Would sing me a song
A tune that I keep In a sacred place
Because I know That my life won't be long
It tells of the place Where you go
When your time here on Earth is through
A beautiful place We call heaven
Is it true
Please God I pray that it's true

'Cause once this land Was heaven on Earth
Green hills were all You could see
But now it's soot And steel and brick
So it looks more Like hell to me
And each day brings More and more suffering
And each night is silence and fear
And I wake To the sound of your voice
But you're not here
Why aren't you here?
So now I lay me Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My soul to keep
Please let me die Before I wake
So the Lord My soul, can take
Then maybe I'll finally find you
'Midst the beauty Of paradise
And you'll sing not of dying
But living
Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't that be nice?

Feeling even better than before

The rear brakes in my truck are pretty much shot. The passenger window in my truck is jammed. The a/c blows piping hot fucking air. Jenn is apparently done with me and/or ignoring me since my employer let me go on Monday.

Thanks again, Coastal Flooring for convincing me to leave my other job just so you can eventually fuck me over and take away the one thing that meant more to me than anything else in the world.

And the icing on the cake..my stepdad said today that everything going wrong in my life is karma for previously painting my nails, wearing makeup, cross-dressing, etc..

I am ready to check off this fucking ride. I really am. I have never felt worse.

Jenn, please talk to me.

Couldn't be better

I got up this morning to take a shower and to my surprise Patty decided to do laundry.

What did that mean for me?

It meant that my bathtub and toilet slowly and (virtually) silently overflowed without my notice. Shitty water filled the hallway closet, the hallway itself and pooled down to the barstools in the living room. I turned the water supply to the toilet off, but it didn't stop. I had to race down to the laundry machine in my bare feet, slipping and falling in the hallway while I made my way. I smacked my head on the ground. The headache and fuzziness still haven't left me.

Even after stoppimg the laundry machine, the water didn't immediately stop. I spent an over hour moppingand attempting to dry the fucking aftermath in the bathroom, closet, hallway and living room. It was and still is a fucking nightmare. Not only did I fall and smack my head, but I almost cracked my head open a few more times.

I broke the drainer attached to my mop bucket while i was mopping, making my job harder. I could not get the mop dry enough after that, so I was on hand and knee reluctantly, in the filth using towels and paper towels in the end. I can't shower either..the tub still won't fully drain and the toilet is still disabled too.

I made the landlord aware and he said he is out Of town and will be by tomorrow. Meanwhile I am possibly concussed, in throbbing pain, sweaty and gross. This morning's events could not be anymore symbolic of my feelings and my place in the world.

I sit on the edge of my best alone, still dripping sweat, discharging subtle tears if sadness and hopelessnews,  wanting so for someone to hold me.

I wish she was here so bad. She's the only thingy that stops the ache.

Heartache Continuum

I have been up since 2:30am. It silence is deafening. The anxiety is maddening. The phone hasn't rung. No messages have been received. Somehow I don't think I'm going to be hearing from her again. I think I have disappointed her for the last time despite how hard I was trying to do just the opposite. I'm crawling in my skin in the worst way wishing I could fix this right fucking now. I am better than this. This is not who I am. It's not fair. I have been trying so hard.

Thank you, Nick Elliott for helping to nudge the one valuable part of my life that I had left over the fucking cliff.

I love you, Jenn. I miss you so much.

Everything Sucks

I am a loser and will always be a loser. I will never have 10 + years tenure working for a single solitary employer. I will never have $3,500.00 saved in the bank. I will never have a retirement fund with $40,000 in it. I will never have a college degree. I will never read a single book in less than a week. I will never make anywhere close to $27.00 an hour. In short..I don't deserve to share the same oxygen supply as her and I never will.

May the tears fall.

Mirror, mirror..

Please take this poor self-image away before I'm blinded from it. Please take this sadness away before I drown in it. Please take this poor health away before I die from it.I don't want to live this way. I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of having accomplished nothing. I'm tired of being a loser. I'm tired of feeling stagnant. I'm tired of being such a shit; such an insufferable know-nothing, do-nothing waste of space unworthy of an intelligent woman's love. I cannot fuckin' go on this way. Is this all that's left for me?

Not a good day

Was I built just to feel sadness and spend my days weeping tearfully alone until die? I hope not. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I see no end in sight. I am hurting so much right now. I need someone to hold me so badly. I can't go on like this anymore.