I Dreamed..

I dreamed this day would never come

I dreamed I learned my lesson years ago

I dreamed of dreaming different dreams today

I dreamed these feelings would never show

I dreamed she was at my front door

 I dreamed I would not have regrets anymore

I dreamed I woke up and this was all a dream

I dreamed the happiest days of my life would forever gleam

From the moment we laid eyes upon one another

I promised myself I would never hurt her or ever be a bother

I vowed to be the best partner I could ever be

I fell short in every way, always blind-never able to see

My worst days are here and her brightest days have come

They say it is always the darkest just before the fuckin' dawn

I know now my happiness was her misery

Her happiness is mine

I wanted to be the best partner I could ever be

I wanted to make her smile and only brought her misery

Now I am alone and I'm not even in her thoughts

As I pine over her as if it were a persistent fuckin' cough

My pain is sure to only make her recovery easier

She deserves nothing but the best

As she resents me for all the horrible things I said to her

Putting all the pain I caused to rest

I had horrible habits of speaking out of line when my feelings were hurt

I hate myself for things I've said though I never meant a word

I promised myself repeatedly that the lesson had been learned

I fucked up and fell off course repeatedly, this heartbreak has been earned

I dreamed this day would never come

I dreamed I learned my lesson years ago

I dreamed of dreaming different dreams today

I dreamed these feelings would never show

Learn to Let Go

Loving you when you're gone is like listening to my favorite song
I've just been listening to this one for far too long

It's hard to stop listening when the birds sing it too
I guess in my world it really is a popular tune

I've replayed it so many times that I sing it in my head
It's the last thing I listen to before I go to bed

But we all know after a while all songs get old
And after that while I'll learn to let go

Don't Look Back

Love doesn't happen overnight
Love doesn't argue about what's wrong or what's right
And don't expect to find a love that will last
if the only place you're searching is in your past

Love is hard to find; it's even harder to let it go
Don't settle for something just because it's what you know

We tell ourselves this time will be different.
What may work for a little while longer is irrelevant

You can't fix what's already been broken
You can't believe the new promises that have been spoken
because the pain you forgave once before
will always linger in your mind each time they walk out that door

This time won't be the same
yet you find yourself playing the game
but in this game nobody will win
because every sinner is likely to sin again

Your heart is in a million pieces
Your life is full of hits and misses
but one thing that still remains
is your ability to accept the things you can't change
We all make decisions that we regret
but it's our choice to forgive just never forget

Always stay true to yourself and your values
because in the end that's all that matters
Don't waste time thinking you're not worth it
because no matter what anybody else thinks
there's somebody out there who might just think you're perfect

Love doesn't happen overnight
Love doesn't argue about what's wrong or what's right
And don't expect to find a love that will last
if the only place you're searching is in your past

A Nice Day/Night Out

I actually had some much-needed fun yesterday. My new friend Roxanne, who lives just a few minutes from my school, actually texted me and invited me to meet up with her and her family at Archie's Seabreeze in Fort Pierce. We hung out there for several hours, listened to some live outdoor music, and drank some beer. Her family is really fun, and crack some pretty funny jokes. They're very nutty, but in a good way.

After several hours, part of her family went home and a few of them took a walk with Roxanne and I down the street to a bar near the Jetty, where we got some rum runners, took a walk along the Jetty and looked at the stars. Her sister and mother eventually went off and did their own thing while Roxanne and I just sat on a bench, drank our rum runners and talked about random things; everything from music to the new crappy season of American Horror Story to astrology. We continued to talk, finished our rum runners, and headed back to Archie's. Once I knew I was good enough to drive, we met back up with her mother and sister, at which point we parted ways.

I stopped off for some McDonald's on the way home and decided to try the new Big Mac Jr. I've been very disciplined lately, and have been exercising regularly, so there's no need to feel guilty about that. Once I got home, I partook of the ongoing Simpsons 600 episode marathon on FXX that started on Thanksgiving Day, texted with Roxanne and Christine a bit, and did some homework. The end of the semester is coming up fast, it's crazy how fast time goes.

Thanksgiving morning thoughts

I can't help feeling like a little kid answering a question written on the chalkboard in elementary school just before Thanksgiving break by writing this post today, but that's okay. It's really just a matter of coincidental timing, to be honest.

I am thankful for my family. We don't always see eye to eye, but they have been there for me through thick and thin. I should have given them more credit and appreciation over the years, and I regret that I haven't. Despite that, my eyes are wide open now to how lucky I am to have them in my life.

My mom and my sister, no matter how tired they get of hearing about it or seeing me with that look on my face like someone just shot my puppy, they continue to reiterate the true key points that are easy to forget at a time like this; the things that I need to hear and be reminded of.

I am also thankful for my friends. I've realized that I really am a lucky guy. They may be upwards of 1,500 miles away, but they care and two in particular have really been there for me in recent days.

Christine will message me on Facebook several times a day, and ask how I'm feeling, and has been asking me a lot of questions. She actually wants to know more about the situation so she can really help and give me some perspective. In this day and age especially, most people just wait for the chance to speak because they are so self-absorbed. Christine actually listens, and wants to help.

My friend Brian, who has been my best friend for almost 19 years now, he's been on the phone with me everyday the last few days, listening to me, trying to make me laugh, and trying to help me look towards the future. He recognizes all the progress I've made in making myself a better, healthier and more stable person and has encouraged me to keep going. And much like Christine, he has taken a great interest in my situation and asked a lot of questions about it which consequently has made him able to make some very valid points that are easy to overlook and forget in times of heartache.

Some of the points my friends and family have been making are things I already knew, points I have mentioned in this blog myself over the last few days, and they have been more than happy to reinforce those points as clear warning signs that should of been considered from the beginning. But others are things I never even realized or thought of; things I have completely forgotten or overlooked. It's been really helpful, and I can't help feeling so lucky to have these people in my life.

Christine has a family engagement coming up within the next few weeks or so, coincidentally in Port Saint Lucie, and we are going to hang out a bit while she's down here. I am really looking forward to that. And though it may be a while, Brian intends to come down to Florida to go to Disney World with his family and wants to get together while he's down here too, so that should be fun as well.

I am now going to go take a shower and get ready to go be with my family who really do love me, care about me and want nothing but the best for me; who want me to steer clear of anything and everything that is unhealthy for me, as hard as that reality may be to accept sometimes.

I really am a lucky guy.

Cleansing

She isn't coming back. Oh, how badly I would love to be wrong about that, but unfortunately I'm not wrong. I would love to hear from her, but in all honesty I think I have better odds of selecting a perfect bracket during March Madness (odds are one in quintillion, and I know jack about sports), so..

I went out and got a couple of boxes and began the process of trying to cleanse my house of all the stuff I could that reminds me of her. I still don't have the will to throw anything out, but I needed to begin the process, however minutely. Cards, gifts, mementos, the computer monitor, a picture of us together at the zoo that I used to keep on my desk at work, the moon painting with the heart-shaped tree, kitchen stuff, posters, her bathroom stuff, the hair straightener, the dental floss she gave me, the cap on my toothbrush, the "SUE" key-chain, the black hat, earrings, necklaces, the purse, the red dress, shoes, make up brushes, the bookmark, the water pistols, the pill case, the laptop, laundry detergent, fabric softener, a laundry basket, plastic storage containers, the stuff left in the drawer on her side of the bed including the foot cream, the Popsicle-Sticks and small metal bucket; just everything I could think of...

I boxed and bagged it all up and put it in the closet of the spare bedroom so it is at least out of site until I have the heart to discard it all. I don't doubt that Jenn has already gotten rid of everything I have gotten her and I doubt she batted an eye while doing it either. But this was not what I wanted and I am extremely sentimental.

I couldn't help reading all the cards. I broke down in tears reading them. It reminded me of how much she loved me at one time, how bright the future felt, and how happy we made each other. Seeing her handwriting, the distinct way she would sign her name, the way she would write my name on the envelopes and at the top of the cards totally got to me and I couldn't stop crying, She wrote such beautiful and moving messages in her cards, sometimes even on the envelopes. Then I looked through the "52 reasons why I love you" deck of cards she got me, which was still in my night-table drawer for easy access after all these years and cried some more..

I still can't believe this has happened. But I have to remember there was never supposed to be any future as far as she was concerned. She wanted to stay married and see me on the side. She was up front about it, and I knew about it going into this relationship. But, I fell for her. I fell hard. She was fun. She was sweet, she was caring, and she did so much for me. But at the end of the day, she never wanted a future with me to begin with. That never changed for one moment, not even after she and Ryan split. I had hopes after her and Ryan separated that we had a future together in the long-term, but they were just that..hopes.

I got through it somehow. Everything is packed up in bags and boxes in the other room, waiting for the day I finally have the heart to part with them.

The inconvenient truth

I took a long shower, came back to re-read what I just wrote in my last entry, and I can already see Jenn rolling her eyes, should she ever even choose to actually read it. I rolled my own eyes as I started reading it. I can also already feel every word falling on deaf ears. She will never believe I changed, or that she would no longer have to worry about turning on her phone or about how each day is going to go moment to moment. She would again wake up everyday unhappy, even if I gave her no reason to feel that way anymore. She is happier without me than she ever was with me. It's an inconvenient truth. Everything about her life is better without me than it ever was before. She said it herself; that she should of done this months ago. That really hurts, but it is how she feels. The fact of the matter is, I was never her first choice. When we got together, she was married. I was her second choice. Even after her and Ryan separated, that never changed.

That never changed. It never changed. It never changed. It never changed.

I will always love Jenn like crazy. I still welcome her to read any and every single thing I write in this blog. I still hope she does, though she probably won't. Should she actually read it, I hope she thinks about what I wrote earlier. I won't remove what I wrote earlier today because I meant every word. I still welcome her to contact me if she chooses, and I won't stop hoping she does, even though I know I shouldn't give it another thought because frankly, it feels absolutely hopeless and it most likely is. I won't hold my breath. I can't. That's why I have to stop now. She will always be my first choice, but again, I was never hers. I knew that going into this relationship.

It's my own fault. All of it. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. I did it to myself.

There's no changing her mind. You can't make someone love you, you can't convince someone you've changed from afar. Even up close, its unlikely to change how they feel about the past. You can't make them forgive your mistakes, severe or not. You can't make them forget the pain and anguish you caused. You can't make them provide you with a clean slate. You can't make someone put their progress, recovery and bright future on the line to give the old another shot, regardless of anything. I am the only one to blame for this.

I am the only one to blame. I am to blame. I am to blame. I am to blame. I did this to myself.

Can we please talk? It would mean so much.

Dear Jenn,

               I read last night's blog. I both regret reading it and at the same time, am glad I did. On one hand, it reinforces what I already knew about what I put you through which hurts. On the other, it's nice to know you are doing so well. I am happy that things are going well for you. I seriously mean that. I am glad you are happy, I am glad you have gotten to travel to new places, I am glad you are embracing your creative side and feel joy these day. You deserve nothing less. I am glad you are looking forward to the future, and are no longer having to worry what is going to happen day to day. I feel regret that you ever had to worry about that, or about turning on your cell phone. From what I gather, joy and relief was something you clearly weren't feeling before you stopped seeing me. That is completely understandable, and I don't doubt its the truth at all. As I have said, I have had plenty of time to reflect on my issues, and the negative impact my behavior has had on you and our past relationship. All that thinking and reflecting has brought to the one and only possible conclusion: I put you through absolute hell.

          I wish so bad that we could talk. I want so bad to comment on your blog, to call, to text, to email, to write you another letter or send you another card, but I gather that is not what you want at all, especially after reading last night's blog. It sounds like what I feared the most has happened, which is that my contacting you disrupted your recovery from all the years of crap I've put you through. I apologize. I couldn't stop myself. I stand by what I said, which is that I will not contact you again unless invited. That is why I am writing this on my own blog, and not commenting on your page or reaching out by any other means at this point, as much as I want to.

       Should there ever be a day that you want to talk to me, I welcome it with open arms and always will. This experience has truly changed me, it really has. I am not the same person, and I stand by that. It may be hard to tell as I go on and on in my blog about you in the same vein I usually do, but that's what heartache does. That's what the degree of regret I feel for all I have put you through does to me. Given the opportunity to meet up with you or talk, or text, I think you would be genuinely surprised. That is not the kind of thing I would say, especially at this point and not be able to deliver on. I am a much stronger person, a much better person now. You haven't seen my best, and I will always welcome the opportunity to finally show you that, should you ever allow it.

     I wish so bad you would call, or text or write, or even show up at my door unannounced. I miss you so much, it makes me sick. I feel  childish saying that, but it's the truth. You are my kryptonite. If Anna Faris or Eva Green came into my life, it wouldn't change a thing. You mean everything. You always will. I will say again, I never wanted to be a burden, a volatile uncertainty, a stress-factor, or an expense on your life. I feel bad that my time in your life ever cost you a penny. I don't want that and I never did. Things have changed and that would never be the case again, given the opportunity to show you.

     Some time has passed. We haven't seen each other since August. We haven't spoken since September. It may not feel like a lot of time to you, which I understand it really isn't. But on my end, it feels like eons. Not because I am exaggerating as I know I have in the past in regards to the passage of time, but because of how much this hurts. It has made time all but stand perfectly still. I have been working to improve myself non-stop. I mean that. In just a few months' time I have really done a lot to improve myself inside and out. I am not the weak, confused, emotional, whiny and needy baby with no money I once was. If we spoke just once, even for a few minutes you would see the change. It is more than apparent. My family, my doctor and the few people I talk to all say they see the change. I am not making this up. You may not be able to tell from reading this, because I am going on and on about how much I miss you and trying to persuade you to talk to me, but it's the truth and I can easily show you if given the (and I hate using this word just as much as I hate using the word "try") chance.

    It's the last time I will ask. It's the last favor I will ever request of you; to please talk to me. Just let me show you what changes I have made. I would never wish to impede on your recovery from the misery, stress and uncertainty you have felt in the past, nor risk the progress you  have made since then. I am not the same person. What hasn't changed is the amount of love I feel for you. What hasn't changed is that I know we can be amazing together. I should have gotten my shit together years ago, there is absolutely no denying that. But in any case, I am more together now than I have ever been. I know it's hard or perhaps impossible to tell by reading this, but I mean it.

   Please just talk to me one more time, in person, on the phone, via text, I don't care. I promise you won't regret it. And if you don't want to talk to me again after that, you will never see another plea on this blog again for the same. That's a promise I can keep. I will be eternally grateful, as I already am just to have had the chance to know you. You are more special than you can ever know. You have a smile that makes my heart skip beats and eyes that bring tears of joy to my eyes. A laugh that makes me fall for you more and more. You deserve nothing but the best; the finest things in the world and I want to be the man that shares his life and love with you. We make an awesome team, and we can make an even better team going into the future. I know this to be true. I don't expect you believe it, but if we just talk, I think it's possible I can ease your reluctance, fears and concerns about ever having me part of your life again. From the bottom of my heart, all I want is the best for you and if I thought I was still at risk of being an unhealthy factor of that equation, I would not be writing this. Please think about it. I'm sorry for all the past pain and troubles and I would never let that happen again ever.

        If your mind is absolutely made up, so be it. This will be the last time I ask anything of you. If I never hear from you, I know I only have myself to blame. I will have to live with that, and I understand. But, I can't help loving you.

                                                                    Best wishes,

                                                                                              - Dan

    

I couldn't help but look. I hope she looks at mine.

I hadn't looked at her blog since September. I needed to look. I knew it would hurt, I knew I was risking great pain by peeking, but I couldn't help it any longer. I am happy for her that the divorce is finally over and done with. I truly am. I just wish I was still in her life, so I could celebrate with her.

Still, to this day I deal with the fact that absolutely everything reminds me of her. I keep thinking back to our trip to Key West earlier this year, particularly our time at the outdoor bar, in the pool and the hot tub. I would give a kidney just to relive those moments, it was probably the happiest hour or so of my life. I mean that wholeheartedly, not to discount all of the wonderful memories and laughs we shared together. But when it comes down to it, as we held each other close and kissed in the pool and hot tub, that may of been the closest I ever felt to her. I never wanted it to end. I never wanted this relationship to end. I never wanted to say goodbye.

Another image I keep coming back to is a picture we took at the zoo a few years ago. It's a picture where she still had long red hair, and my hair was fairly short. I also still had metal-framed glasses. In the picture, I am looking at the camera smiling, and she is looking up at me, almost in adoration. It makes me very emotional every time I flash back to it. That's another day I truly wouldn't mind revisiting. Frankly though, I wouldn't mind revisiting any number of countless days where things between us were going well, and she didn't feel trapped with me, but happy. That's all I want for her, is to be happy. I want so bad to show her my best, which I owed her from the get-go, but never delivered. I am more ready now than I have ever been.

I sent her a card and a letter this past Thursday. I just couldn't stop myself. I had so much I wanted to say, but I held back as much as I could and wrote just over a page-long letter that briefly touched on a few things, and included a hand-written poem in the card. I don't know if she got them, but I prepared myself as best I could for a number of negative outcomes including, having them returned in the mail, a negative text message, negative email, negative phone call, negative handwritten response, and no response at all. I don't think her parents would keep them from her when they checked the mail, but I guess I can't rule that out completely either.

I wish I could show her how much I've changed. I am not the same negative, whiny baby I once was. I wish she saw what I see in us. We make such a good team, especially when I am on my game, which I always am now. I don't fight with my parents. I don't invite strange people over. I cut off all contact with anyone I ever met on the internet. I gave up on making friends, aside from meeting people at school. I work hard, I study, I take care of myself, I write, I watch a lot less television, I eat better, and "Rachel" is GONE. I have found myself, and I am happy about it. But a large part of me is still missing, and I know there is no one else out there for me.

This isn't a dependence. This isn't an obsession. This is a love that refuses to die. I have never felt about anyone in the way I feel about her. All she has to do is say my name, and I would come running. Not because I am willing to let her walk all over me, not because I am a puppet, but because I love her and I know what she means to me and it just won't change. I want to share my life with her. Her eyes take me miles away from the closest negative thoughts. Her smile and laugh, are so gratifying, I can't even describe it. I just love making her happy, and I love to make her laugh. These thoughts and sights are tattooed on my brain. I have an undying desire to be there for her, to keep her safe from pain and harm. I don't want to be a bad memory. I don't want to be a burden, an expense or a toll on her life. I want to be her love. I want to be her MAN. I want to show her I can take charge. God knows I had almost 3 years to show her that, which should of been ample time, but God forgive me; I am ready now and I don't need time to "try" or "work on it." The word "try" is going to haunt me for the rest of my days. If she showed up at my door right now by surprise, a man who is willing and absolutely ready to show her what I am really worth would answer.

She hasn't seen my best. She deserved to see it years ago, no question about it. But my best is ready to be seen.

I hope to God you read this. I love you, Jenn.