The inconvenient truth

I took a long shower, came back to re-read what I just wrote in my last entry, and I can already see Jenn rolling her eyes, should she ever even choose to actually read it. I rolled my own eyes as I started reading it. I can also already feel every word falling on deaf ears. She will never believe I changed, or that she would no longer have to worry about turning on her phone or about how each day is going to go moment to moment. She would again wake up everyday unhappy, even if I gave her no reason to feel that way anymore. She is happier without me than she ever was with me. It's an inconvenient truth. Everything about her life is better without me than it ever was before. She said it herself; that she should of done this months ago. That really hurts, but it is how she feels. The fact of the matter is, I was never her first choice. When we got together, she was married. I was her second choice. Even after her and Ryan separated, that never changed.

That never changed. It never changed. It never changed. It never changed.

I will always love Jenn like crazy. I still welcome her to read any and every single thing I write in this blog. I still hope she does, though she probably won't. Should she actually read it, I hope she thinks about what I wrote earlier. I won't remove what I wrote earlier today because I meant every word. I still welcome her to contact me if she chooses, and I won't stop hoping she does, even though I know I shouldn't give it another thought because frankly, it feels absolutely hopeless and it most likely is. I won't hold my breath. I can't. That's why I have to stop now. She will always be my first choice, but again, I was never hers. I knew that going into this relationship.

It's my own fault. All of it. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. I did it to myself.

There's no changing her mind. You can't make someone love you, you can't convince someone you've changed from afar. Even up close, its unlikely to change how they feel about the past. You can't make them forgive your mistakes, severe or not. You can't make them forget the pain and anguish you caused. You can't make them provide you with a clean slate. You can't make someone put their progress, recovery and bright future on the line to give the old another shot, regardless of anything. I am the only one to blame for this.

I am the only one to blame. I am to blame. I am to blame. I am to blame. I did this to myself.