Cleansing

She isn't coming back. Oh, how badly I would love to be wrong about that, but unfortunately I'm not wrong. I would love to hear from her, but in all honesty I think I have better odds of selecting a perfect bracket during March Madness (odds are one in quintillion, and I know jack about sports), so..

I went out and got a couple of boxes and began the process of trying to cleanse my house of all the stuff I could that reminds me of her. I still don't have the will to throw anything out, but I needed to begin the process, however minutely. Cards, gifts, mementos, the computer monitor, a picture of us together at the zoo that I used to keep on my desk at work, the moon painting with the heart-shaped tree, kitchen stuff, posters, her bathroom stuff, the hair straightener, the dental floss she gave me, the cap on my toothbrush, the "SUE" key-chain, the black hat, earrings, necklaces, the purse, the red dress, shoes, make up brushes, the bookmark, the water pistols, the pill case, the laptop, laundry detergent, fabric softener, a laundry basket, plastic storage containers, the stuff left in the drawer on her side of the bed including the foot cream, the Popsicle-Sticks and small metal bucket; just everything I could think of...

I boxed and bagged it all up and put it in the closet of the spare bedroom so it is at least out of site until I have the heart to discard it all. I don't doubt that Jenn has already gotten rid of everything I have gotten her and I doubt she batted an eye while doing it either. But this was not what I wanted and I am extremely sentimental.

I couldn't help reading all the cards. I broke down in tears reading them. It reminded me of how much she loved me at one time, how bright the future felt, and how happy we made each other. Seeing her handwriting, the distinct way she would sign her name, the way she would write my name on the envelopes and at the top of the cards totally got to me and I couldn't stop crying, She wrote such beautiful and moving messages in her cards, sometimes even on the envelopes. Then I looked through the "52 reasons why I love you" deck of cards she got me, which was still in my night-table drawer for easy access after all these years and cried some more..

I still can't believe this has happened. But I have to remember there was never supposed to be any future as far as she was concerned. She wanted to stay married and see me on the side. She was up front about it, and I knew about it going into this relationship. But, I fell for her. I fell hard. She was fun. She was sweet, she was caring, and she did so much for me. But at the end of the day, she never wanted a future with me to begin with. That never changed for one moment, not even after she and Ryan split. I had hopes after her and Ryan separated that we had a future together in the long-term, but they were just that..hopes.

I got through it somehow. Everything is packed up in bags and boxes in the other room, waiting for the day I finally have the heart to part with them.