Why is change so hard?

It is time to stop all this directionless nonsense. I need to find a way to ease this anxiety and this stress. I know as much as I ever will that I want this no more. I and it's time to take control. I can't sit back and expect it all to work itself out. Even if there's a slice of pie in the future that waits, it can't change what I face today.

It is time to stop all this relapse. It's my time to do something for me. It won't be convenient. But it will help to turn shit around. I need strength and I need it right now. I need confidence, need to get rid of this smell of shame and worthlessness. I need to stop caring what others think and whether their stake in my life blossoms or fades. Can't let this shit mean anything.

It is time to find out my reasons. I need to find a way out of this cell. My life is such a shit storm. I need a place that I can call my own. I need to find the light. I need to find the way to enjoy life. I need to find my calling. Right now. This shit has to end right now. I need to get the fuck out of here right now. Spare me from this un-pleasantry right now.

If I can't get what I want from this life, I'd rather be dead.

My Saddest Song (We were children, we were a family, now we're just a memory)

The sandbox with a pale and shovel

Little children laugh and play

The jungle gym sits aside

Little children smile and play

Parents sit and watch as their offspring enjoy their bliss

Not yet aware of what awaits

The sandbox encrusted with filth

No more children sit and play

The young years turn to adolescence

Shovels and pales turn to pills and needles

Parents become self absorbed in their own shit

Not caring what is happening..or what awaits

Mom please!! I really need you!!

Dad's dead and he can't hear me!!

Grandmas gone!! She can't listen!!

Mother why don't you love me?!

You really think I deserve this?!

Open your heart!! Your son here needs you!!

You know I've always loved you!!

The punishment don't fit the crime here!!

We used to play sober games

We used to ride our bicycles

We used to play kickball

We used to climb trees and scrape our knees

We used to go trail riding just for the thrill

But now that's all gone

Those people moved on

And I feel so alone

And all I have left is the urge to die

Mom please!! I really need you!!

Dad's dead and he can't hear me!!

Grandmas gone!! She can't listen!!

Mother why don't you love me?!

You really think I deserve this?!

Open your heart!! Your son here needs you!!

You know I've always loved you!!

The punishment don't fit the crime, how could you?!

Broken swings with rusty chains to this

Blood trails in the sand as tumbleweeds blow on by

No laughter to hear way out here

This used to be my playground

Mother would watch me as a child

I was surrounded by family that said they loved me

Now all their efforts go towards avoiding me!!

It didn't have to be this way

We could of stayed a family

We could of had what so many others have and dream of

Now I am just this filthy fucking mess

I don't know if I'll ever get back to that place

The one that now seems erased

I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm hunting for

Is it time to give up and say so long to this place..?

Mom please!! I really need you!!

Dad's dead and he can't hear me!!

Grandmas gone!! She can't listen!!

Mother why don't you love me?!

You really think I deserve this?!

Open your heart!! Your son here needs you!!

You know I've always loved you!!

The punishment don't fit the crime, how could you?!

Mom please, I've had enough now!!

Dad please, save my soul now!!

Grandma WHHHHHHY can't you stop this?!?!?

I've always loved everybody!!!

I can't take this shit a minute longer!!!

People seem to laugh at all my misery!!!

Finding my torment quite amusing!!!

Where the fuuuuuck did I go so wrong?!

...whimpers...

..Everyone who loves me dies..

..Everyone who's encouraged me has died..

..I think I'm ready to meet them on the other side..