7/23/2017

     I feel it's about time for a regular update. With a month left until school resumes, I feel I have done a good job of keeping pretty busy this summer. I added a bookcase and some new bar-stools (WITH BACKS) to the house. It's nice to be able to see my books on display in the dining room, and not have them all hiding in cabinets anymore. Plus, the bar-stools I got are wooden and actually match the kitchen counter, so that was a nice touch. I am continuing to stay disciplined on the dietary and exercise fronts, and I just reached my 50th and 51st 5-star ratings as an Uber Driver today which was cool. Lyft doesn't have as a large a market in the area, but the 5 star ratings continue to come in either way. It's kept me pretty busy with work being so slow, and it's a nice way to meet new people. Someone I picked up who lives on my street just a few doors down invited me out for drinks. On Friday, some girl I was driving to work complimented my rear-view mirror ornaments and showed me all these drawings of Batman villains that she's been working on. She seemed really cool. So, all in all things continue to go well.

     We are half-way through the year, and as if Adam West, Greg Allman, Martin Landau, Roger Moore, Jonathan Demme, Don Rickles, Bill Paxton and Chris Cornell weren't enough, just this week we have lost another. Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park and up until recently lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots (whose original lead singer also died), died of an apparent suicide on what would of been the 53rd birthday of Chris Cornell who also comitted suicide just a few months ago. It's sobering to see all these faces I grew up knowing and in some cases idolizing just suddenly check out one after another without warning. Some you know are coming, some are just way out of left field. It's all sad either way.

     I find it funny how even after all the countless instances we have seen of provocative and controversial social media posts made by celebrities and public figures over the years thinking that they were saying something witty, edgy, insightful, or that needed saying for one reason or another and ultimately ended up in deep shit for it and/or retracting it, that people continue to do this as if they haven't learned a fucking thing from anyone else who has done it and ended up recanting. Brian Welch (overall uninformed/misinformed recovering meth addict and guitarist of Korn) took it upon himself to post on Facebook about his frustration with musicians who commit suicide, and stated that Chester took the coward's way out, which a lot of other people found insensitive, and the backlash caused him to backpedal and apologize just a little while later. Let me be clear--I am not one of these social justice warrior, lib-tard, politically-correct whiny fucking babies. It's his right to say it, it's his right to feel that way, no one is arguing that. It's everyone American's right to express their beliefs, say what they want, act how they want, and be as uncensored and as undiplomatic about it as they wish. I wouldn't have it any other way. But, somewhere along the way in this country, it just seems that common sense and voluntary self-discretion went out the fucking window and a whole new level of cynicism that makes even me sick along with a newfound desire for verbal combativeness came center-stage regardless of who it may hurt along the way; regardless of whether what is being stated is even correct, or even makes a single valid point. People just seem to want to hurt each other.

Welcome to Earth.

   

Song of the Day

                                                          
This is the first day of my last days
I built it up, now I take it apart
Climbed up real high, now fall down real far
No need for me to stay the last thing left I just threw it away

I put my faith in God and my trust in you
Now there's nothing more fucked up I could do
   
Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you
   
I'm the one without a soul, I'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell, twenty-six years on my way to Hell
Gotta listen to your big time, hard line, bad luck, fist fuck

Don't think you're having all the fun
You know me, I hate everyone

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

I want to but I can't turn back
But I want to...

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

In this world full of you
In this world full of you
In this world full of you
In this world full of you

Just like in Bible Club.

Why couldn't I sleep last night? Why am I so anxious this morning? Why do I continue to care so much and hang on every fucking word like a devout Christian during Bible Study? Why do I put myself through this? Why, oh why.. after nearly 12 hours am I still worried about whether or not a woman who's face I haven't seen for a year and will probably never see again, who has absolutely no romantic interest in me and probably never will again, who has absolutely no feelings or love for me anymore and probably never will again is skeptical or not about whether or not I actually learned a thing or two about correctly handling uncertainty regarding inflection and context in text messages?

Why the fuck do I care what she thinks? Why did I even go as far as to try and explain that potential conflicts regarding this topic are not an issue for me anymore? Did I think she was going to say, "Oh, okay. That's all I needed to hear. Let's date again!" No, I knew better than that. But, foolishly, I still had some small amount of unwarranted hope. And while I know in the back of my head that she may of been playing and I could of simply asked if she was seriously skeptical or just joking, I couldn't bring myself to go there because it's a slippery slope, and I didn't want it to turn into another round of, "Beg for Jenn Back."

She is done with me. She loves someone else. She has eyes only for him now. It's over. She's not thinking about me anymore. She's not worrying about what I think. She's doesn't care whether or not I am thinking about her at all quite frankly. The time we spent together doesn't mean anything to her anymore. For her, it's part of the distant past and nothing more. I didn't make her happy. I wanted to, I tried to, and I would give absolutely anything for the chance to try again. Unfortunately though, I never made her happy. I failed miserably. I made HER miserable, and nothing I can say or do or even attempt to prove to her will so much as make her even want to ponder the idea of giving me another chance.

So why do I care? Why do I allow myself to stay up all night tossing and turning? Why do I still allow myself hang on her every word and GIF image whether she meant it or not?

Because I am a sad, pathetic, love-sick little bitch who helplessly continues to hold a torch for someone who has long-since moved on and no longer gives me a second thought. I can sit around hoping she will come back forever, but I don't think she ever will and it kills me to face that reality. It hurts so much, I can't put it into words. Unrequited love is a beast all it's own. And it feels like a fight that I am never going to see the end of.

Christopher Hall can speak for me tonight.

I was 11 years old when I first heard the Stabbing Westward album, "Wither Blister Burn & Peel" which contained the single, "What Do I Have to Do?" It was a great song on a great album. I subsequently ended up becoming a much more serious fan of this band afterwards. Tonight, Christopher Hall can speak for me. There's no point in getting into a long winded rant. His lyrics sum it all up just fine.


                                      

You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think
This all could be for nothing
I wish there was a way
For you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
About anyone or anything
Tell me..

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?

I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what loving you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, so tell me...

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
Just tell me, tell me!

How can I..how can I..how can I..

What do I have to do to make you want me?
What do I have to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you love me?
And, if I can't make you love me
Just tell me what do I have to do, to forget about you?