Just like in Bible Club.

Why couldn't I sleep last night? Why am I so anxious this morning? Why do I continue to care so much and hang on every fucking word like a devout Christian during Bible Study? Why do I put myself through this? Why, oh why.. after nearly 12 hours am I still worried about whether or not a woman who's face I haven't seen for a year and will probably never see again, who has absolutely no romantic interest in me and probably never will again, who has absolutely no feelings or love for me anymore and probably never will again is skeptical or not about whether or not I actually learned a thing or two about correctly handling uncertainty regarding inflection and context in text messages?

Why the fuck do I care what she thinks? Why did I even go as far as to try and explain that potential conflicts regarding this topic are not an issue for me anymore? Did I think she was going to say, "Oh, okay. That's all I needed to hear. Let's date again!" No, I knew better than that. But, foolishly, I still had some small amount of unwarranted hope. And while I know in the back of my head that she may of been playing and I could of simply asked if she was seriously skeptical or just joking, I couldn't bring myself to go there because it's a slippery slope, and I didn't want it to turn into another round of, "Beg for Jenn Back."

She is done with me. She loves someone else. She has eyes only for him now. It's over. She's not thinking about me anymore. She's not worrying about what I think. She's doesn't care whether or not I am thinking about her at all quite frankly. The time we spent together doesn't mean anything to her anymore. For her, it's part of the distant past and nothing more. I didn't make her happy. I wanted to, I tried to, and I would give absolutely anything for the chance to try again. Unfortunately though, I never made her happy. I failed miserably. I made HER miserable, and nothing I can say or do or even attempt to prove to her will so much as make her even want to ponder the idea of giving me another chance.

So why do I care? Why do I allow myself to stay up all night tossing and turning? Why do I still allow myself hang on her every word and GIF image whether she meant it or not?

Because I am a sad, pathetic, love-sick little bitch who helplessly continues to hold a torch for someone who has long-since moved on and no longer gives me a second thought. I can sit around hoping she will come back forever, but I don't think she ever will and it kills me to face that reality. It hurts so much, I can't put it into words. Unrequited love is a beast all it's own. And it feels like a fight that I am never going to see the end of.