I've built these towering walls to seclude me from everyone else
So tall and thick it drown out my cries
I have always wanted to be loved by a precious angel, one of a kind
As she found me, decided she could not help me and now I'm left right here where I began
I did this to myself, I have dug my own grave
I need a gun, need a push right in front of a train
I need a gun, a detonator to ignite and explode all my brains
I just can't run away from this torture, this pain, there's no where to run
I'd love to retrace my steps and steer clear of all this shit
The destiny I deface refuses to say goodbye
And no matter how I prove I'm sorry, there is no way I can get through to you
And it makes me so unhappy and so lonely to accept this is the truth
You won't allow me to prove myself, you look at me like I'm shit
I need a gun, need a push right in front of a train
I need a gun, a detonator to ignite and explode all my brains
I just can't run away from this torture, this pain, there's no where to run
No more guilt, I can't take it!
I hate this fucking world, grab a gun, put a bullet in my brain
I hate this curse, can't be reversed, I know I'm insane
There's just no way out of here, no, there is no way out
This is my hell!!!
I need a gun, I need a gun, I need a gun to escape this!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Square of Despair: The Chronicles (Issue #1)
"Catch me if you can, Stevie!" Nicole screamed as she headed further out of site, deep into the depths of the wide open yard of the family ranch home.
The children had been playing all day on their parent's ranch in Northern Arizona. The sun was setting over the mountain tops as the young Stevie scrambled after his younger sister Nicole. The sky was a light pink and visibility amongst the ranch property was dimming. A curl of smoke rose from the chimney of the two story home as dinner was preparing on the stove top for the family of four. The children's parents from inside could hear the children playing tag as dinner cooked on the wood burning stove. The children's mother Janice slipped on her shoes to go outside and call for the children.
"Stevie! Nicole! Come on in now, children!" She walked the length of the porch with her right hand peeled out across the top of her eyes as she attempted to better see the innocent children running around the yard. She walked back and forth, squinting, trying to spot the children, but all she could see is a large empty landscape with light pink skies.
She ran back inside to see her husband sitting in his favorite leather arm chair reading through last night's newspaper and shouted, "Bill, I can't find the children. I heard them earlier, but now they're out of sight and I don't hear a peep outside!"
After rolling his eyes and taking one last toke of his wooden pipe, the middle-aged heavy set fellow in blue suspenders and a red tie and white shirt with black stripes got up and eased his way toward the kitchen making his way to the back door. He flipped the switch for the outside light and opened the inner door, peering through the screen door. His eyes motioned back and forth across the darkening, quiet landscape before him.
His wife, standing behind him, her arms braced on his back spoke.
"Bill, do you hear anything?"
Bill didn't answer, still focusing on the dead silence coming from outside. Janice asked again. "Bill do-"
"Shhh. Janice, I'm listen-" Suddenly, there was the sound of brush swaying to and fro. A perimeter of thin trees and brush make up the outskirts of their extended ranch home, though there was no wind to be had. They both knew that something out there, in the dark, on their very property was more likely the cause of the disturbance they just heard.
Bill turns his head in shock and looks Janice in the eye.
"Run inside and grab the largest flashlight we have; and a baseball bat from the front closet!"
Janice reacted fear, breathing heavy but followed her husbands orders, rushing inside for the needed items.
While waiting for his wife's return, he peeled his eyes, scoping the yard repeatedly left to right, left to right with nothing showing itself no matter how hard his efforts.
"Stevie! Nicole! Get back here now, or face the consequences! Lord knows you know better than to disobey your father! Now get back here!" Not a sound but the echo of his angry and desperate words followed his plea. He could hear the approaching foot steps of his frantic wife nearing the back door. Her hands full, she kicked the screen door open and handed off the items to her husband in a haste.
"Here, Bill. I've got the light and the slugger. Can I please go with you?"
He looked back at his wife. "Nah, Janice. You stay here in case those brats decide to return. I'll be back soon enough. Just keep an eye on things here."
Bill switched on the light and kept it aimed straight ahead with his left hand, the bat over his right shoulder. The further he got from the house, the darker the wide open spaces became. The house behind him grew smaller and smaller as he pressed forward. As silent as a mortuary at midnight, the land around him consumed the night. With no sign of any movement in the distance, he called hysterically for his children.
"Stevie! Nicole! Come out right now! Your fun and games are over! I mean it!"
He pressed on, swaying left, swaying right with his eyes peeled at all times. Prepared for any signs of movement or children's laughter. But aside from the occasional cool breeze in the desert landscape, there was not a peep to be heard.
Meanwhile back at their home, itself surrounded by nothing but dirt, rocks, and cactus the children's mother stood frozen at the back door, worried sick over the welfare of her children and husband, whose whereabouts she can only prey were alive and well. Dinner remained on the stove top, in danger of overcooking at this point. Distracted by the sudden disappearance of her children and now husband, turning down the heat on her stove must of slipped her poor, worried little brain.
Much deeper in the woods now, Bill growing more angry by the second continued his search deep into the middle of nowhere; the surrounding mountains growing larger and larger with the decreasing distance between himself and them. Not expecting to hear a peep from as much as a snake or lizard prowling the ground beneath him, the shuffling of little feet sounded off in the distance. Bill stopped frozen in his tracks, attempting to zero in on the direction from once it came. He turned his head left, and turned his head right, shining the flash light slowly across the entire area around him. Unsure of what to do, he held his ground, ducked down low, hoping to hear it again. A few minutes go by, but there is nothing.
Then suddenly, when least expected, the same shuffling of children's feet sounded as though it were running right beside him. Bill reacted almost immediately, shining the flashlight just beside him, but no one in sight, no foot prints imprinted in the ground justifying the noise in anyway. Bill was frozen with fear.
Back at the house, Janice continued to shout for her husband and children, with no hope for a response. With all the silence, she suddenly able to hear the boiling pot of stew on the stove top, and rushed in to tend to it. "Bloody hell," she yelled as she paced her way toward the stove. In her haste, she snagged her long white dress with her flat dress shoe, and slipped backwards, the pot in hand. In a matter of a second, she was sprawled out on the floor of her kitchen, covered with boiling beef stew, screaming in agony. Helpless to do anything about it. Her screams of agony slowly turned to agonizing soft moans as her flesh peeled away from her face, neck and upper torso.
Unaware of the events that conspired back at his family's home, this father, now more determined than ever decided to cover all the surrounding land he never dared venture out to before, screaming louder and louder for his children the entire way. Once again, he is able to hear tiny footsteps only paces ahead of him on the other side of a patch of brush at the base of the nearest hill in the dead lands. He rushed over, flash light in one hand, bat braced in the other. Using the bat to make his way through the brush, he found nothing. A look of serious frustration now took over his face.
"I've had more than enough of this! You two are such deep trouble when I get you home. This is YOUR LAST CHANCE, or you can spend the night out here, I really don't care anymore. I'm going to count to three, and if you two don't show yourselves, you'll know what wild life is really like. ONE TWO.."
And just as he said two, Bill heard a child's laughter and more shuffling just up ahead coming from behind some brush and trees trailing up the mountain side. He held his silence, awaiting further noise to help explain what he may of heard, but no other noise seemed to emerge. Fed up with all he's been through this evening he decided to barge his way towards where the noise came from, but what he saw, he could of never braced himself for...
The children had been playing all day on their parent's ranch in Northern Arizona. The sun was setting over the mountain tops as the young Stevie scrambled after his younger sister Nicole. The sky was a light pink and visibility amongst the ranch property was dimming. A curl of smoke rose from the chimney of the two story home as dinner was preparing on the stove top for the family of four. The children's parents from inside could hear the children playing tag as dinner cooked on the wood burning stove. The children's mother Janice slipped on her shoes to go outside and call for the children.
"Stevie! Nicole! Come on in now, children!" She walked the length of the porch with her right hand peeled out across the top of her eyes as she attempted to better see the innocent children running around the yard. She walked back and forth, squinting, trying to spot the children, but all she could see is a large empty landscape with light pink skies.
She ran back inside to see her husband sitting in his favorite leather arm chair reading through last night's newspaper and shouted, "Bill, I can't find the children. I heard them earlier, but now they're out of sight and I don't hear a peep outside!"
After rolling his eyes and taking one last toke of his wooden pipe, the middle-aged heavy set fellow in blue suspenders and a red tie and white shirt with black stripes got up and eased his way toward the kitchen making his way to the back door. He flipped the switch for the outside light and opened the inner door, peering through the screen door. His eyes motioned back and forth across the darkening, quiet landscape before him.
His wife, standing behind him, her arms braced on his back spoke.
"Bill, do you hear anything?"
Bill didn't answer, still focusing on the dead silence coming from outside. Janice asked again. "Bill do-"
"Shhh. Janice, I'm listen-" Suddenly, there was the sound of brush swaying to and fro. A perimeter of thin trees and brush make up the outskirts of their extended ranch home, though there was no wind to be had. They both knew that something out there, in the dark, on their very property was more likely the cause of the disturbance they just heard.
Bill turns his head in shock and looks Janice in the eye.
"Run inside and grab the largest flashlight we have; and a baseball bat from the front closet!"
Janice reacted fear, breathing heavy but followed her husbands orders, rushing inside for the needed items.
While waiting for his wife's return, he peeled his eyes, scoping the yard repeatedly left to right, left to right with nothing showing itself no matter how hard his efforts.
"Stevie! Nicole! Get back here now, or face the consequences! Lord knows you know better than to disobey your father! Now get back here!" Not a sound but the echo of his angry and desperate words followed his plea. He could hear the approaching foot steps of his frantic wife nearing the back door. Her hands full, she kicked the screen door open and handed off the items to her husband in a haste.
"Here, Bill. I've got the light and the slugger. Can I please go with you?"
He looked back at his wife. "Nah, Janice. You stay here in case those brats decide to return. I'll be back soon enough. Just keep an eye on things here."
Bill switched on the light and kept it aimed straight ahead with his left hand, the bat over his right shoulder. The further he got from the house, the darker the wide open spaces became. The house behind him grew smaller and smaller as he pressed forward. As silent as a mortuary at midnight, the land around him consumed the night. With no sign of any movement in the distance, he called hysterically for his children.
"Stevie! Nicole! Come out right now! Your fun and games are over! I mean it!"
He pressed on, swaying left, swaying right with his eyes peeled at all times. Prepared for any signs of movement or children's laughter. But aside from the occasional cool breeze in the desert landscape, there was not a peep to be heard.
Meanwhile back at their home, itself surrounded by nothing but dirt, rocks, and cactus the children's mother stood frozen at the back door, worried sick over the welfare of her children and husband, whose whereabouts she can only prey were alive and well. Dinner remained on the stove top, in danger of overcooking at this point. Distracted by the sudden disappearance of her children and now husband, turning down the heat on her stove must of slipped her poor, worried little brain.
Much deeper in the woods now, Bill growing more angry by the second continued his search deep into the middle of nowhere; the surrounding mountains growing larger and larger with the decreasing distance between himself and them. Not expecting to hear a peep from as much as a snake or lizard prowling the ground beneath him, the shuffling of little feet sounded off in the distance. Bill stopped frozen in his tracks, attempting to zero in on the direction from once it came. He turned his head left, and turned his head right, shining the flash light slowly across the entire area around him. Unsure of what to do, he held his ground, ducked down low, hoping to hear it again. A few minutes go by, but there is nothing.
Then suddenly, when least expected, the same shuffling of children's feet sounded as though it were running right beside him. Bill reacted almost immediately, shining the flashlight just beside him, but no one in sight, no foot prints imprinted in the ground justifying the noise in anyway. Bill was frozen with fear.
Back at the house, Janice continued to shout for her husband and children, with no hope for a response. With all the silence, she suddenly able to hear the boiling pot of stew on the stove top, and rushed in to tend to it. "Bloody hell," she yelled as she paced her way toward the stove. In her haste, she snagged her long white dress with her flat dress shoe, and slipped backwards, the pot in hand. In a matter of a second, she was sprawled out on the floor of her kitchen, covered with boiling beef stew, screaming in agony. Helpless to do anything about it. Her screams of agony slowly turned to agonizing soft moans as her flesh peeled away from her face, neck and upper torso.
Unaware of the events that conspired back at his family's home, this father, now more determined than ever decided to cover all the surrounding land he never dared venture out to before, screaming louder and louder for his children the entire way. Once again, he is able to hear tiny footsteps only paces ahead of him on the other side of a patch of brush at the base of the nearest hill in the dead lands. He rushed over, flash light in one hand, bat braced in the other. Using the bat to make his way through the brush, he found nothing. A look of serious frustration now took over his face.
"I've had more than enough of this! You two are such deep trouble when I get you home. This is YOUR LAST CHANCE, or you can spend the night out here, I really don't care anymore. I'm going to count to three, and if you two don't show yourselves, you'll know what wild life is really like. ONE TWO.."
And just as he said two, Bill heard a child's laughter and more shuffling just up ahead coming from behind some brush and trees trailing up the mountain side. He held his silence, awaiting further noise to help explain what he may of heard, but no other noise seemed to emerge. Fed up with all he's been through this evening he decided to barge his way towards where the noise came from, but what he saw, he could of never braced himself for...
Fuck you all, I'm here
Drag me threw shit, I vomit in shit inside the lines of which the best will nest and the drifters will die
I am the nightmare you're all afraid will haunt your prayers as you and your loved ones wither and cry
I've died and died and died and rose again just make you miserable, the way I feel inside all the time
Deny me and ignore but the fact is that there's no where to hide, I'm here
I don't believe in happiness, to ignore the truth is just an ugly petty lie
My conscience is aware of too much ugliness in the world we reside
I deal with it alone everyday in the darkest corners of my mind
Where there's no one to help me out, to pull, I feel so blind
Too far gone, too fucked in the head
I've laid out my cards, now let's put this issue to bed
I've done my time in this shit hole, so where the fuck will it end?
Drag me threw shit, I vomit in shit inside the lines of which the best will nest and the drifters will die
I am the nightmare you're all afraid will haunt your prayers as you and your loved ones wither and cry
This tortured soul that's knocking on the door is the same one whose saved your life
Deny me and ignore and shove me to the ground, but there's no where to hide, I'm here
Fuck you all, I'm here
Actual Life Update (No lyrics or poetry here)
I've had a long day thus far, and only now am I out of my house, spending time with a close friend, having a leisurely time playing around with the computer. I did some writing earlier as you can see, but it's been such a long morning even before then, enough to yet again change the actual road I'm on. Within the next two months, perhaps less I will be yet again living Florida near my family, on the road to hopefully making new friends, and maybe on the road to finally leaving my mark on the world. I have a few friends I will miss here, but my life is in a dark place here, and I see no way out of it while I stay. Sadly also, I had recently struck up a new relationship with an amazing woman just in the last few days before I could even see this coming. I was so hurt by this that even I; whose life it is that hangs in the balance was willing to alter my plans entirely just to make things work with her, but she decided it would be best for me to go. She even thought that the idea of her going down there with me (being I am going to have my own apartment) was fucking nuts, so there's no way that's going to happen.
The fact of the matter is that my landlord can't stand it anymore to see me depressed, that embarrassingly enough she took it upon herself this morning to call my mother and stepfather separately and tell them that I need to move back down here. So the fact of the matter is that I don't even feel comfortable there anymore, not in the slightest. We even had a consultant from a moving company come into my part of the house and give me an estimate on moving all my shit which will cost in the proximity of eight and nine hundred dollars. The only real thing left to do is wait for my unemployment to go through, get my teeth fixed while I still have Medicaid, and pack.
I feel like such a fucking idiot.I'm about to turn twenty seven years old, and this is my fucking life. I can't make it on my own no matter what I fucking do. I always end right back up where I started. Broke, jobless, carless, and girless. Now I am going to go back down to Florida just so my mom and her boyfriend can rip into me, lay a bunch of rules on me, make me feel like shit about myself to the point that I don't even want to try and do anything with my life. I'm going to have no friends, know no one from a fucking hole in the wall, and to make it that much better I'm a socially retarded and neurotic with a small clan of people that understand me, all of them residing in New York.
I better make the most of the time I have left....waiting applying for shit jobs while waiting for unemployment.
The fact of the matter is that my landlord can't stand it anymore to see me depressed, that embarrassingly enough she took it upon herself this morning to call my mother and stepfather separately and tell them that I need to move back down here. So the fact of the matter is that I don't even feel comfortable there anymore, not in the slightest. We even had a consultant from a moving company come into my part of the house and give me an estimate on moving all my shit which will cost in the proximity of eight and nine hundred dollars. The only real thing left to do is wait for my unemployment to go through, get my teeth fixed while I still have Medicaid, and pack.
I feel like such a fucking idiot.I'm about to turn twenty seven years old, and this is my fucking life. I can't make it on my own no matter what I fucking do. I always end right back up where I started. Broke, jobless, carless, and girless. Now I am going to go back down to Florida just so my mom and her boyfriend can rip into me, lay a bunch of rules on me, make me feel like shit about myself to the point that I don't even want to try and do anything with my life. I'm going to have no friends, know no one from a fucking hole in the wall, and to make it that much better I'm a socially retarded and neurotic with a small clan of people that understand me, all of them residing in New York.
I better make the most of the time I have left....waiting applying for shit jobs while waiting for unemployment.
The Real Self Inflicted Wound
Light breaks through, screams at me, begs for me to bleed and bleed
Pathways jammed with all my shit, I plead the lord to just let me quit
There is no way that a new day free of despair waits for me
They all beg for me to stay where it rains, where I'll drown and sink away
These feelings drown my soul, tighten my nerves, nothing left to do but squirm and squirm
Embarrassed through existence, covered it all my own shit and piss
I accept the blame, it was my game, it's all my fault everythings stayed the same
They all scream, whatever it means, the end is close but can never be seen
But help me understand, this punishment has has diminished my soul
So please help me understand - Where does it end?
The cruelty is real, the anger I feel, the rage inside with no place to hide
Crawl in my skin, the enemy wins, then comes back to throw again
Been trying to grow, trying to cleanse, make my amends, but
The place where my thoughts, grow into more, has been compromised by leeching whores
I throw myself away, for never another day will I somehow rise above these barnyard flies
Though to do so I'd be willing to pay any price
I carry with me this energy, it can be used for health or used for pain
And I always choose to loose and dream away my precious days in shit!
This punishment I agreed to has crushed my fucking soul
I want out so tell me please - Where does it end?
Pathways jammed with all my shit, I plead the lord to just let me quit
There is no way that a new day free of despair waits for me
They all beg for me to stay where it rains, where I'll drown and sink away
These feelings drown my soul, tighten my nerves, nothing left to do but squirm and squirm
Embarrassed through existence, covered it all my own shit and piss
I accept the blame, it was my game, it's all my fault everythings stayed the same
They all scream, whatever it means, the end is close but can never be seen
But help me understand, this punishment has has diminished my soul
So please help me understand - Where does it end?
The cruelty is real, the anger I feel, the rage inside with no place to hide
Crawl in my skin, the enemy wins, then comes back to throw again
Been trying to grow, trying to cleanse, make my amends, but
The place where my thoughts, grow into more, has been compromised by leeching whores
I throw myself away, for never another day will I somehow rise above these barnyard flies
Though to do so I'd be willing to pay any price
I carry with me this energy, it can be used for health or used for pain
And I always choose to loose and dream away my precious days in shit!
This punishment I agreed to has crushed my fucking soul
I want out so tell me please - Where does it end?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Punch the mirror, pick up a jagged piece of glass and insert it into the neck as quick and harshly as possible
This isn't me, lord knows it never was, I'm innocent of all charges, so why is this happening?
No one who fucking knows me cares enough to look deep inside of me, at the real me
So why in the name of fuck do I try? I have no reason to lie, yearning for a real fucking life
Is this all that's left? Fuck it all, I'd rather die!
Why must I love a family that sits and watches me scream in agony and severe fucking pain every single day?
With the ability to make it all go away any time they want, anytime they may
My screams, my cries, my innermost desires age with time, with every passing day
I'm here..only here..to haunt your world.
No one who fucking knows me cares enough to look deep inside of me, at the real me
So why in the name of fuck do I try? I have no reason to lie, yearning for a real fucking life
Is this all that's left? Fuck it all, I'd rather die!
Why must I love a family that sits and watches me scream in agony and severe fucking pain every single day?
With the ability to make it all go away any time they want, anytime they may
My screams, my cries, my innermost desires age with time, with every passing day
I'm here..only here..to haunt your world.
Antipathy
I have searched all over, but there was nothing left to find
I have begged and pleaded for mercy, but mommy dearest just spit in my eyes
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Someone help me reverse this before I dive off the fuckin' edge!
Stop this! Kill this! End this! Fuck this!
I slither right between your legs
I wrap around your neck and watch you suffocate
My loneliness has become my bliss
There's no need to try anymore
All the damage has been done
Stop this! Kill this! End this! Fuck this!
We're all apart of someone else's nightmare
I've been drawn a role and so have you
When it ends, we will all be denied our final bows
Uncredited, the audience couldn't give a shit less who we are or were
The world is such an ugly place to start a life
The world is such a putrid place, full of lies
The planet earth cannot see what we've done
It's blind and waiting death...
Stop this! Kill this! End this! Fuck this!
SHIT OUT OF LUCK!
We're all apart of someone else's nightmare
I've been drawn a role and so have you
When it ends, we will all be denied our final bows
Uncredited, the audience couldn't give a shit less who we are or were
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Pills for lunch
These words of obscurity diverge in atrocity
The best once within me is now a thing of tragedy
I'm calling a vote for you to all rip apart at me
There is nothing left to offer, may as well end it here
The light as it shines down allows for life to flourish
The dirt and the grime that fill the air, makes me sluggish
I tried and I tried, but nothing was ever worth it
Fuck the entire world, I want no part of it!
Because I once loved
Gave so much, grew so much
Put you first, grew this cure
See me now, what to see
So far gone now, it's over, see!
These words of obscurity diverge in atrocity
The best once within me is now a thing of tragedy
I'm calling a vote for you to all rip apart at me
But I'm not that little shit you all think I grew to be
So bash at me, and bash at me and bring on all you have to bring
I'm tired, so tired but awake enough to end you!
Beaten down, but I'll get back up and stop you
I'll come back again and again just to fucking kill you!
Because I once loved
Gave so much, grew so much
Put you first, grew this cure
See me now, what to see
So far gone now, it's over, see!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Picking up stray organs off of a hot sidewalk in July
Look at me, got it all figured out
Master plan, to change this horror show
See here, this knife, watch it slice up
With nothing left, you can no longer hurt me!
I have been convinced there comes a time
When we will all at some point feel this state of mind
Cut the flesh that makes me be, out the window into a tree
Today, tonight had come that time
See the world as it moves on
It can't resist all its primal urges
Must be great to not feel so deeply
The puddle that drowns me, pulls me away!
I have been convinced there comes a time
When we will all at some point feel this state of mind
Cut the flesh that makes me be, out the window into a tree
Today, tonight had come that time
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Post #1: H-E-L-P____M-E____O-U-T____O-F____T-H-I-S
This is not what I expected to be, this is not what I wanted to be, I never asked for this, this isn't what I signed up for, I never agreed to this, and I can only pray there is a way out of this. I am about to turn 27 years old, and my life is worse than anything I ever could of imagined 9 years ago. I spend my days bashing myself silently through thoughts I usually keep to myself, afraid to even speak them aloud, and constantly envying the lives of virtually anyone else. I manage to keep suicide on the back burner, though I refuse to rule it out entirely. There's absolutely no way in hell that I will be able to deal with this another 1, 5, 10, 20, 30, 50 or 60 years. I wanted to be somebody, I wanted to be successful, and I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve this. I tried so hard, and a few times it actually felt like I got real far, but quicker than I got there, I return to square one. Medication hasn't helped me change my state of mind. Simply put, nothing has helped in any way, shape or form.
There's got to be something I can do. There's got to be a way out of this. I want to think clear. I want to feel confident. I want to be strong, thick skinned, much less emotional, I want to be happy and content with my direction in life, and who I am. Is there anyway that's possible? One thing I do know for sure, is that had I not been kicked out of my house when I was 18 years old for bringing a mother fucking girl over without permission, this crash course would of been averted in the first place. If my mother was more understanding of my late blooming teenage rebellion, things could of been a lot different.
Can I really blame my entire fucking life on my mother or my family? No, I can't. But, I do hold a grudge at the moment that I would really like lifted. I have been reaching out to my family for what feels like years now, trying to bury the hatchet, make amends for anything I have done wrong, trying to gain their forgiveness, trying to start a new relationship with them. But to date, my sister won't speak to me, my mother barely ever speaks to me and when she does, it's usually never good. My 'stepfather' never speaks to me really either. The only family member whose love and respect that I don't believe I ever lost was my father's, and he's been dead for almost 2 years now. The fact of the matter is, I have never felt as alone and lost as I do now, and I'd kill to do something; anything about it.
I want to go back to school, I want a degree in something practical, I want to make it somewhere in life, and the clock seems to tick faster and faster everyday. I am not getting any younger, only older..faster and faster. I keep getting knocked down, and it gets harder and harder to get up each and every time. I hate looking in the mirror, I hate myself. I can't stand what I look like. I am in the worst physical shape of my entire life, and I feel dull and lifeless inside. I have no motivation aside from avoiding what feels like an inevitable suicide.
I grew up with large dreams and aspirations, and one of my greatest fears is having to come to terms with it being too late for me to be somebody. I can't go on like this. I hate it. I would do anything to reverse this. I have given up pot, I have given up drinking, though I was never much of a drinker to begin with. I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has told me that it's not my fault this has happened to me, but I have trouble believing him. It may just be part of the therapy for him to say that. I want to look back on this long and dark period of my life one day and be able to smile, and say, "I did it." I want success, I want peace of mind, I want to overcome this horrifying ordeal I seem to be stuck with. I feel like the only way out is to obtain a "get out of jail free" card. It feels like I have made more mistakes than I can afford to rectify, but I am trying not to believe that too strongly. I know that deep down, I am a good person, and if I could just get focused, and be patient, and not let any negative influences steer me wrong, it may not be too late, and perhaps good things can happen, but how long can I afford to wait? Again, I am about to turn twenty fucking seven years old for fuck's sake.
This is my first blog entry in this blog. For years I maintained a blog on Myspace.com and I felt it was time to start a new one. I know there are going to be a lot of sad and depressing entries to follow this first one in the form of diary entries, lyrics, poems and rants. But is my hope as I continue to try and get my fucking act together this year that the entries will start to become more calm, positive and focused, telling the story of my life as it begins to improve. I don't want to live this way anymore. I never wanted to live this way, never.
There's got to be something I can do. There's got to be a way out of this. I want to think clear. I want to feel confident. I want to be strong, thick skinned, much less emotional, I want to be happy and content with my direction in life, and who I am. Is there anyway that's possible? One thing I do know for sure, is that had I not been kicked out of my house when I was 18 years old for bringing a mother fucking girl over without permission, this crash course would of been averted in the first place. If my mother was more understanding of my late blooming teenage rebellion, things could of been a lot different.
Can I really blame my entire fucking life on my mother or my family? No, I can't. But, I do hold a grudge at the moment that I would really like lifted. I have been reaching out to my family for what feels like years now, trying to bury the hatchet, make amends for anything I have done wrong, trying to gain their forgiveness, trying to start a new relationship with them. But to date, my sister won't speak to me, my mother barely ever speaks to me and when she does, it's usually never good. My 'stepfather' never speaks to me really either. The only family member whose love and respect that I don't believe I ever lost was my father's, and he's been dead for almost 2 years now. The fact of the matter is, I have never felt as alone and lost as I do now, and I'd kill to do something; anything about it.
I want to go back to school, I want a degree in something practical, I want to make it somewhere in life, and the clock seems to tick faster and faster everyday. I am not getting any younger, only older..faster and faster. I keep getting knocked down, and it gets harder and harder to get up each and every time. I hate looking in the mirror, I hate myself. I can't stand what I look like. I am in the worst physical shape of my entire life, and I feel dull and lifeless inside. I have no motivation aside from avoiding what feels like an inevitable suicide.
I grew up with large dreams and aspirations, and one of my greatest fears is having to come to terms with it being too late for me to be somebody. I can't go on like this. I hate it. I would do anything to reverse this. I have given up pot, I have given up drinking, though I was never much of a drinker to begin with. I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has told me that it's not my fault this has happened to me, but I have trouble believing him. It may just be part of the therapy for him to say that. I want to look back on this long and dark period of my life one day and be able to smile, and say, "I did it." I want success, I want peace of mind, I want to overcome this horrifying ordeal I seem to be stuck with. I feel like the only way out is to obtain a "get out of jail free" card. It feels like I have made more mistakes than I can afford to rectify, but I am trying not to believe that too strongly. I know that deep down, I am a good person, and if I could just get focused, and be patient, and not let any negative influences steer me wrong, it may not be too late, and perhaps good things can happen, but how long can I afford to wait? Again, I am about to turn twenty fucking seven years old for fuck's sake.
This is my first blog entry in this blog. For years I maintained a blog on Myspace.com and I felt it was time to start a new one. I know there are going to be a lot of sad and depressing entries to follow this first one in the form of diary entries, lyrics, poems and rants. But is my hope as I continue to try and get my fucking act together this year that the entries will start to become more calm, positive and focused, telling the story of my life as it begins to improve. I don't want to live this way anymore. I never wanted to live this way, never.
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