This is not what I expected to be, this is not what I wanted to be, I never asked for this, this isn't what I signed up for, I never agreed to this, and I can only pray there is a way out of this. I am about to turn 27 years old, and my life is worse than anything I ever could of imagined 9 years ago. I spend my days bashing myself silently through thoughts I usually keep to myself, afraid to even speak them aloud, and constantly envying the lives of virtually anyone else. I manage to keep suicide on the back burner, though I refuse to rule it out entirely. There's absolutely no way in hell that I will be able to deal with this another 1, 5, 10, 20, 30, 50 or 60 years. I wanted to be somebody, I wanted to be successful, and I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve this. I tried so hard, and a few times it actually felt like I got real far, but quicker than I got there, I return to square one. Medication hasn't helped me change my state of mind. Simply put, nothing has helped in any way, shape or form.
There's got to be something I can do. There's got to be a way out of this. I want to think clear. I want to feel confident. I want to be strong, thick skinned, much less emotional, I want to be happy and content with my direction in life, and who I am. Is there anyway that's possible? One thing I do know for sure, is that had I not been kicked out of my house when I was 18 years old for bringing a mother fucking girl over without permission, this crash course would of been averted in the first place. If my mother was more understanding of my late blooming teenage rebellion, things could of been a lot different.
Can I really blame my entire fucking life on my mother or my family? No, I can't. But, I do hold a grudge at the moment that I would really like lifted. I have been reaching out to my family for what feels like years now, trying to bury the hatchet, make amends for anything I have done wrong, trying to gain their forgiveness, trying to start a new relationship with them. But to date, my sister won't speak to me, my mother barely ever speaks to me and when she does, it's usually never good. My 'stepfather' never speaks to me really either. The only family member whose love and respect that I don't believe I ever lost was my father's, and he's been dead for almost 2 years now. The fact of the matter is, I have never felt as alone and lost as I do now, and I'd kill to do something; anything about it.
I want to go back to school, I want a degree in something practical, I want to make it somewhere in life, and the clock seems to tick faster and faster everyday. I am not getting any younger, only older..faster and faster. I keep getting knocked down, and it gets harder and harder to get up each and every time. I hate looking in the mirror, I hate myself. I can't stand what I look like. I am in the worst physical shape of my entire life, and I feel dull and lifeless inside. I have no motivation aside from avoiding what feels like an inevitable suicide.
I grew up with large dreams and aspirations, and one of my greatest fears is having to come to terms with it being too late for me to be somebody. I can't go on like this. I hate it. I would do anything to reverse this. I have given up pot, I have given up drinking, though I was never much of a drinker to begin with. I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has told me that it's not my fault this has happened to me, but I have trouble believing him. It may just be part of the therapy for him to say that. I want to look back on this long and dark period of my life one day and be able to smile, and say, "I did it." I want success, I want peace of mind, I want to overcome this horrifying ordeal I seem to be stuck with. I feel like the only way out is to obtain a "get out of jail free" card. It feels like I have made more mistakes than I can afford to rectify, but I am trying not to believe that too strongly. I know that deep down, I am a good person, and if I could just get focused, and be patient, and not let any negative influences steer me wrong, it may not be too late, and perhaps good things can happen, but how long can I afford to wait? Again, I am about to turn twenty fucking seven years old for fuck's sake.
This is my first blog entry in this blog. For years I maintained a blog on Myspace.com and I felt it was time to start a new one. I know there are going to be a lot of sad and depressing entries to follow this first one in the form of diary entries, lyrics, poems and rants. But is my hope as I continue to try and get my fucking act together this year that the entries will start to become more calm, positive and focused, telling the story of my life as it begins to improve. I don't want to live this way anymore. I never wanted to live this way, never.
Hi there. I'm Ginny. Came across your blog- well this first post of yours certainly caught my attention. I couldn't help but want to post a reply. My first impressions? You are such a rare find. By the sounds of things, you know you've made mistakes, you're making changes, you're trying to make amends. You are a very level headed person. You know what I think? (I appreciate you don't know me & I don't know you) You know what you want, but not sure on how to achieve it. I don't know what else I can say, you've pretty much said it all. But you seem to know who you are as a person. Why can't you go out and get a degree? What's stopping you? You've clearly got the drive for life. Much more than people I know.
ReplyDelete...Your thoughts?
Regards, Ginny.
Hi, Ginny. I appreciate your feedback on my entry, and I really appreciate your kind and encouraging words. As far as continuing my education at the moment, there's a few things in my way, not to say that there's nothing that can be done about it. For example, I have an unpaid student loan from the fall 2010 semester at the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale. Despite the fact that I have not graduated from any one college yet, they want me to make payments on it already, just because I moved to New York and continued college there. Then after a semester of school in New York, my car died, and my money ran out from my dads life insurance policy, so I now have to take the bus to and from work, and have very little money, and the student loan people comtinue to call for money that I don't have to give them. No one in my family will help me either. So until I can get that straightened out, I will be able to receive little to no financial aid or grants. And it upsets me because my sister, whose 3.5 years younger than me is about to graduate from a four year school. Its discouraging, it makes me feel like such a loser. But, again, I really appreciate your input, and please keep reading and providing feedback.
DeleteHi there. No problem. Nice to talk to someone who appreciates my feedback, I seem to have a problem babbling >_<. Ah, I understand your pain on the student loan front, god we've alllll been there & a lot like you are still in that situation. It's hard, I know. I graduated about a year or so ago & me and my friends are still paying off debts. But I know my situation isn't the same as yours as you've transferred and still have overlaying debts from a college elsewhere, is that right? Yeah, it's crap. I despise student loan companies, they're not sympathetic towards peoples situations at all. Especially when some people could really use a helping hand. But you don't have to feel like a loser, you're not giving up are you?... Sounds like to me you are just having a bit of a dip. I'm out of work and I'm refusing to think that this will be it and end up in a dead end job. I'm an actress, i don't want that. I want acting work (obviously XD). Don't give up! What are you studying? Is there anyway in a way you could educate yourself? Friends to help build your skills up?
ReplyDeleteGinny. x