The odd one out forever

I am incapable of change. My brain refuses any requests for adjustment in anyway that would help me become a well-adjusted individual who is socially skilled, pleasurable to be around or someone a girl can be proud to introduce to her parents. I'm a bipolar,  obsessive compulsive,  narcoleptic, paranoid schizophrenic emotional wreck who wreaks havoc on the souls, brains and patience of everyone around me. I really should just go away and let everyone be. It's not my time. It's not about me anymore.

:(

::TRYING TO WIPE SLATE CLEAN BUT IT JUST FUCKING WON'T COME CLEAN NO MATTER HOW HARD AND VIGOROUSLY I PRESS THIS FUCKING CLOTH::

Grown Up Chat

If you do as you're told, you will make no one happy

And if you disobey, you will be reprimanded

And if you try your best, you'll still be corrected

And if you stop giving a shit, you will be well-rewarded

This world is filled with gloom

This world is filled with gloom

And it won't spare me or you...no...

And if you offer help, you will make no one happy

And if you're generous, you will be left with nothing

In a place so dark and cold, you will be alone and hungry

Everything is made to fail, so again you won't be happy

This world is filled with gloom
This world is filled with gloom
And it won't spare me or you...no...

This world is filled with gloom
This world is filled with gloom
And there's no God to save me or you...no...

Chicanery

My decision to acknowledge
I broke a promise to myself
I'm in heaven, I am hell-bound
I'm the nasty taste stuck in your mouth

I never meant to go there
I never planned to slumber
I knew it'd be over in time

Then the fat lady died!

Please just piss on me
It's never too early to try again
Please just piss on me
It's always so soothing

Because loving leads to other things
And other things lead to crazy things
And crazy things lead to shitty things
And all that's shitty rests inside me

My decision to relinquish
And accept all impermanence
Intoxication from the prison
With walls reaching far and wide

I never meant to go there
I never planned to slumber
I never wanted to stay inside

I take it all in
I accept what is
And then watch as my heart just cries!

Please just piss on me
It's never too early to try again
Please just piss on me
It's always been so soothing . . . .

Just once..

Just once, I would like to have an actual good day at work.

Just once, I would like something to work out the way I planned.

Just once, I would like to feel like the weight of the world is not on my shoulders.

Just once, I would like to feel like everything is okay.

Message to self:

Get your fucking head together. You're losing it. You're slipping. You're on the edge of the point of no return. The walls are narrowing. You're barely functioning. Anyone could do what you're struggling like fuck to. Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life or do you want to be a confident, and fully FUNCTIONING member of society with friends and a life? Someone who can talk to people. The way you once could in another time and place now forgotten by all except you. Someone Jen could really be proud of. Not someone who sits in bed and forces her to watch RETARDED fucking network TV bullshit shows all weekend!

So, a final plea from the old Dan crying out in the dark and treacherous depths of your mind now swallowed up by cobwebs in this pathetic microcosm of a life that you've fashioned for yourself..

GET. IT. TOGETHER. FUCKHEAD.

No Place

There is no place for me in this world. And there never will be. I don't care about anything anymore. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die. Everything and everyone disgust(s) me. And always will.

Done.

I'm disillusioned. I'm lonely. And all I can see are those hundreds of random sketches I found of smiley faces that my dad had drawn in his studio apartment, probably because he was so depressed, feeling so lonely and hopeless that he didn't know what else to do and thought it would help. That's where I'm at. And no one gives a shit.

No One Understands

I finally realized today that no one understands how I feel. Or what it's like to feel as alone and cursed as I. Just me against the world. Always has been and always will be.

Goodbye

I was feeling real ill the day I took that pill
No care in the world for what would happen next
And then I fell to the ground with not a care or a sound
Just waiting for God to take me away
I've spent my whole life walking the edge of that knife
And I've decided that I don't want to stay

I don't fuckin' care any longer
I hate everyone more and more
I'm disillusioned with this whole fuckin' place

So I'm leaving planet Earth now
There are no stars in the sky now
Silent darkness becomes my savior
There's no pain left where I'm going

The pain just grows and it grows
Cannot take it, will not take it, so here I go

The tensions grow thicker as the foundation just splinters
The world remains oblivious to all my distress
I find it astounding how this migraine keeps pounding
Just another disgrace or just another strange face
In the end I'll let the chips fall where they may

All I'm after is peace of mind
All I want is what's mine
And all I know is this world's full of pain

So I'm leaving planet Earth now
There are no stars in the sky now
Silent darkness becomes my savior
There's no pain left where I'm going

The pain just grows and it grows
Cannot take it, will not take it, so here I go

The despair never fucking ends

I need to remember that thinking positive doesn't work. Bouncing back inevitably leads to having my spirit crushed again. Today, I am almost in tears. I am trying so fucking hard and no matter how hard that actually is, it seems all the bullshit just keeps coming, the criticism and scrutiny just keeps coming, and people will never just leave me alone. I am convinced that I am nothing more than an experiment. A very sensitive, very emotional, and worrisome individual subjected to continuous unpleasant and trying circumstances. The goal is apparently to see how long I can go on like this, and see how long it takes until I eventually throw in the towel. I feel dreadfully close right now. I almost quit and called for a ride. I was about to cry before. I can't take the pressure. I can't take the embarrassment or feeling like everyone is thinking about me negatively or the scrutiny and continued criticism. I have been trying a dozen times harder than I did at QVC and apparently I'm being punished for it. I hate everyone. I hate everything. Seriously, why the fuck am I even alive? I am tired of being a part of this mental and psychological abuse experiment. I feel like I'm about to cry again. Great.

Dear World that is Trying to Break My Spirit

Congratulations. You've won. Yes, you are reading that right. You've officially broken my fragile fucking spirit. I basically don't give a good god damn about much of anything anymore. I busted my ass applying for jobs for 9 months. I busted my ass through the temp agency's bullshit drawn-out application and hiring processes, I busted my ass through the incoherent training that I received, and of course I busted my ass for the past 2 weeks to do everything right with this job. And what do I have to show for it?  Ongoing scrutiny from management as they nitpick their way through the most petty of bullshit via continuous emails that make me want to get up and walk out of here. And then they give us this "final exam" 3 weeks in, rather than at the end of the first week which would've actually made sense (god forbid). And then the fucking evil cunt that runs this strip mall call center does even more nitpicking as she grades my exam, doing everything she can to not give me a passing grade, doing everything she can to break my spirit and reiterate my position in this call center and in this world. A passing grade is at least an 80% and she made sure that I got a 79. She took half points off on two open ended questions where my answers were correct, but apparently not what she was looking for and marked me off on several other questions that were horribly worded unclear and ridiculously petty to begin with. An example of one: "Why would someone want to enroll in a health plan?" Again, my answer was correct, but not the ONE answer she was looking for.

I am forever doomed to stay with my servant status in this horribly damaged world where the American dream has become a pipe dream. You either have to create the next app for the braindead populous or win the lottery to make it in the world I've inherited. And I get to take this stupid fucking exam again next week and pass it if I want to continue making my fancy 10 dollars an hour.

Fuck this world. Fuck Maximus. And fuck their stupid test. All I ever get for my hard work is disappointment. I give up.

Untitled Lyrics

Enemies with my memories
I burn them and bury them
I tell myself that they don't exist
I beg 'do not hurt me'
I beg for their mercy
But the phantoms and demons insist

'We're in this together' - That's what they tell me
A perfect match for a perfect mistake
Fused with uncertainty - Growing impatient
The world will have to end without me

There's no more light - No more lights

Eager for knowledge
Desperately seeking a place to lay down to sleep
The birds have stopped chirping
Our debts are unpaid and the heavens have agony in store

I've never stopped fighting
I've never stopped saying
That all I want from this world is love
The sky is still falling
Now and forever
The circles in which we run are retraced

No more light - No more lights

I can't be the hero - I won't ever win
The war I keep fighting was not meant to end

Untitled & Incomplete Narrative

On a cold December night, I felt so lonesome that I went for a walk down these frozen snowy streets. The streetlamps were dim, allowing for the Christmas lights in the neighborhood to illuminate the streets with their more bright and festive glow.

A message to myself

Be strong. Have a positive attitude. It's not a big deal. The day will be over soon. You'll make it. You're tough.You've dealt with A LOT worse. If you let yourself be miserable, the day will get harder. The day will inevitably suck and drag on. So, just hang in there, suck it up and think positive. It could be a lot worse. You're doing good. You're trying. Your family is proud of you. She' proud of you. It'll be okay.

Haunting Past

There are so many memories I wish I could just erase from my mind, that I can't imagine having to carry around and remember for the rest of my life, that I don't want to spend my final hours recalling and dwelling on. It pains me. The shame, the embarrassment, the regret, the sorrow. What the fuck is wrong with me? The horrible decisions I have made that I cannot understand for the fucking life of me today what my fucking thought process was that allowed me to make them in the first place. I sit here alone in this fucking room and reflect, unable to get these thoughts out of my head, unable to escape them. I just continue to torture myself, and I see no end in sight.

Sick of this stagnance

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have so many goals, so many talents I want to embrace, build upon, improve upon and learn. And what do I do? I sit around all mother fucking day and night. I may sit and fill out job applications several times a week, but so the fuck what? That doesn't make me proud, it doesn't make me feel accomplished, and it doesn't make me feel justified. And that's not even what I want. I do not want to beg for a bullshit hourly job working for a billion dollar corporation and be a slave for pennies on the dollar like the rest of the cattle out there. I want to be an individual, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to use the talents I already know I have and explore uncharted areas of my own creativity that I do not even know about yet. I want to draw, I want to write and I want to make music like I used to with friends in high school. I want to learn the piano. I want to read all these books I haven't finished, I want to study new things. I want to get in shape, shed these unsightly pounds and feel healthy again. I feel so stuck, that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I feel trapped by my own discouragement, my own anxiety, my own depression, my own disillusion, remaining unmotivated. I am in my second year on disability, I have been hospitalized three times just since coming back to Florida last year. I am obviously not well, and on disability for a reason. But I do not want things to stay this way. My little sister, my baby sister is now a fucking high school teacher who is lives in New York City making a lot of money. She'll make even more money within a few years, and have a promising long term career with perks, benefits and a pension. What the fuck have I accomplished? Not a god damn thing, and I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Somebody get me into action because I obviously can't do it myself. I'm a train wreck of a human being. Damaged goods beyond repair.

In the end, all I can say is that maybe this week will be different. My girlfriend is coming over this weekend, and this week I can try again. But I am almost certainly going to remain stagnant, bedridden, unmotivated, and make excuses for myself not to do anything.

I am scared of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. Everything is my own fault. What will it take to change things?

Closing the Door

The cold and cracking surface splinters
The cool air dances free
The inevitable unfolds before us


So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, there is no cure!!

The scolding heat that hides beneath
The plants and trees
The yearning that unfolding inside all of us

So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, there is no cure!!


The poison that sickens
It dwindles, it thickens
The curses, the hatred
It haunts me!

So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, can't take no more!

Shutting my eyes and closing the door.

I Suck At Everything

I suck at everything

I’m a piece of shit

I suck at everything

I fucking quit

I suck at everything

I hate the world

I suck at everything

I’m a sissy fucking girl

I suck at everything

I suck at life, I hate you all, you make me sick

Leave this place right away, or I’ll bite off your dick

I live my days decomposing in your grandma’s cunt

If you need me to, I’d be glad to be more blunt

I suck at everything

This world is not meant for me

I suck at everything

The anger clings like shit onto me

I suck at everything

You can never understand me

I’ve fucking had it

You will die before me

I suck at life, I will no longer be made a fool

I refuse to try again, just for you to watch me lose

I carry a curse that won’t wear thin

Only your pain can make me grin

I suck at everything

I’m the brunt of your joke

I suck at everything

I’m gonna watch as you choke

I suck at everything

This is how it always will be

So fucking fed up

This is not how it should be

I tried so hard

This is why it pains me

Keep getting up

This is why it infuriates me

You knock me down again

That is why I’m angry

You never lose

That is why you’re dying

Right now, here in front of me

I hear you scream

This is so relaxing

The soothing sounds

Of your life so slowly ending

GOALS

Goals for this coming week:

1) Apply for work (several different jobs)

2) Use rowing machine and get a real routine started

3) Continue reading "11/22/63" by Stephen King

4) Work on writing

5) Work on drawing

6) Study odds for lottery and Kentucky Derby

i have been in a serious rut for what feels like an eternity now, and my depression is worsening. As my inactivity and laziness makes me feel more and more worthless, I realize only I can change my situation. If I do just a little bit of all these things a little bit each day, and a little more and more each day as time goes on, I will feel gratified with myself, I will feel productive, and it will become normal. I must do this, and I must do it this week. And I will. 

No more laying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. 

For You

We've touched on the feelings

But not on the reasons

When it comes to my fall

I'll reveal my all

You take me to that place

I always believed was a LIE

Smoke's still settling

Not used to believing

And knowing I'm not dreaming

Because you are my world

For you, I'd fall on my sword

The darkest of my secrets

Uncloaked while my soul is in audit

Leaving myself disarmed

I urge you to climb into my arms

Years of searching empty space

I've waited for you all my LIFE

No longer pretending

And finally breathing

No longer veiling

Because you are my world

For you I'd fall on my sword

I never thought,,I  would share this amour

And I never thought,,the sun could rise once more!

Never believed in sequels

And up to now in equals

Disillusionment met its match

For you, I'd kill or die

For this first time there is nothing

In this world I wouldn't fuckin' TRY

To keep you for all time

Until I die

Until I die

Until I am dying

To keep you for all time.

Gloom Room

Sweating all night long
Singing this song
Haunted by all those awful things that I've done

Flipping through all those pages of memories I hate
A new life, a new lie that I yearn to create
Hated by all, including myself
I'm ripping out my eyeballs to throw on the shelf
I've accpted my fate, aware of the sorrow to come
Resigned to my gloom room, so tired and done

The battle has ended
My causes are dead
The war is still going on, but only inside of my head

There's a path that I've followed, it's led me this way
To a place so cold and lonely where the skies are all grey
Hated by all, this treacherous soul
Despair and animosity only continues to grow
I've accepted my fate, aware of the demise to come
Resigned to my death bed, where the reaper has fun

The clouds move in wrap themselves around me, begging me not to fight
A silent darkness moves in dominating and replacing any sound or light
The reaper man is always waiting..

When Alone

It's only in the dark I see

Shine your light away from me

I keep trying to pray off my disease

I wait in silence and God won't speak

This empty old room, dusty, desolate and cold...

Only when alone, only when I feel ashamed

Only when alone, only when my temper's tamed

Just hold me close and let it be

Exhale your breath all over me

The darkest nights and bloody fights

Always wrong and never right

We beat the odds just one more time

Eating the leftover dust and grime

Only when alone, only when I can see the end

Only when alone, only when my wounds can mend

I paint my face in colors dark

Hiding the truth from all of you

The man I was, no doubt has died

The devil always lets his victims cry

Mountains crumbling, the sky then falls

A pretty ending after all

Only when alone, only when the people crowd

Only when alone, only when I scream aloud

Only when alone, only when I hear that sound...

Only when I'm alone, only when the meaning's found

Greaser Sleeze

Bleeding out on the floors of nowhere
In the wake, in the dawn, of nowhere
Pushing hard, pushing fast to nowhere
You'll always find me here, in nowhere

Die..die..die..die..

On the phone, all alone in nowhere
Growing old in the cold of nowhere
Drink your tea of ecstasy in nowhere
Say your piece as I grieve in nowhere

Why..why..why..why..

We are..dead heart..bad start..

Dead heeeeart!!!

For all the truth holds..

These haunting visions growing deeper in my memory
Encompassing my roots!

The pleasure that I felt all those years ago
Has been buried under ashes where no one knows
I'll be waiting in the 11th hour just before you die
This rage that I feel will only grow in size
The patience that I lack implore for quick relief
Revered by some, despised by all..

For all the truth holds
Death in despair
For all the truth holds..

The pressure in my skull reaches levels unknown to most
I keep asking why!

Serpents and arachnid's begin to fill the streets
The sun rises for the last time and it's all I see
I cannot tell by this time if the war is won
But it's never frowned upon to bring your gun
Wallowing in this eternal storm of regret and shame
Forgiven by some, abhorred by all

For all the truth holds
Death in despair
For all the truth holds..