Sick of this stagnance

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have so many goals, so many talents I want to embrace, build upon, improve upon and learn. And what do I do? I sit around all mother fucking day and night. I may sit and fill out job applications several times a week, but so the fuck what? That doesn't make me proud, it doesn't make me feel accomplished, and it doesn't make me feel justified. And that's not even what I want. I do not want to beg for a bullshit hourly job working for a billion dollar corporation and be a slave for pennies on the dollar like the rest of the cattle out there. I want to be an individual, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to use the talents I already know I have and explore uncharted areas of my own creativity that I do not even know about yet. I want to draw, I want to write and I want to make music like I used to with friends in high school. I want to learn the piano. I want to read all these books I haven't finished, I want to study new things. I want to get in shape, shed these unsightly pounds and feel healthy again. I feel so stuck, that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I feel trapped by my own discouragement, my own anxiety, my own depression, my own disillusion, remaining unmotivated. I am in my second year on disability, I have been hospitalized three times just since coming back to Florida last year. I am obviously not well, and on disability for a reason. But I do not want things to stay this way. My little sister, my baby sister is now a fucking high school teacher who is lives in New York City making a lot of money. She'll make even more money within a few years, and have a promising long term career with perks, benefits and a pension. What the fuck have I accomplished? Not a god damn thing, and I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Somebody get me into action because I obviously can't do it myself. I'm a train wreck of a human being. Damaged goods beyond repair.

In the end, all I can say is that maybe this week will be different. My girlfriend is coming over this weekend, and this week I can try again. But I am almost certainly going to remain stagnant, bedridden, unmotivated, and make excuses for myself not to do anything.

I am scared of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. Everything is my own fault. What will it take to change things?