I can't live if living is without you

 This bag of medicine is my last bag. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel dim, I feel dull, I feel weak, I feel a failure. I feel the pulse of all these negative emotions running through my mind to an amplified degree that I cannot stomach anymore. I want a clear mind at work, and when I go back to school. This shit is only holding me back, and I am embarrassed and ashamed I let myself do this into my 30's. It's a crutch, and it's hindering any and all progress as I try to transform into a more confident, alert, observant, well-adjusted and overall intelligent person. All I think about besides Jenn is how much better off I'd of been at this point in my life if I didn't make these horrible choices in my early 20's and continue on that fucking path for a decade. I see people younger than me driving newer cars, having better paying jobs, buying their first house, and what do I have? I have a 17 year old car, a disgusting home I share with a crazy person, no friends, a family that can't stand me, little to no food, and a girl I'm madly in love with who fears I will never hold a job. I am quitting marijuana once and for all. I need a clear and sober mind if I am ever going to get out of this fucking hole, show the girl of my dreams what I am really made of and show her what my full potential really is.

I have never been in so much pain in my life. I can't go on like this forever. Won't she see how true these words I speak are? These words of love and devotion to only her. She is all I want in this world. And I will do anything for her. Not being with her is killing me a little more everyday, and I can't take the pain anymore. This is hurts SO FUCKING MUCH. Can't you see I'm changing, Jenn? Please take me back. I can't hurt like this anymore. I am never going to let you down again, I am wide fucking awake. Just please end my suffering before it consumes me whole. Everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe.

I wish I couldn't feel feelings anymore. I really do.

I can't live if living is without you. It's so fucking true. And therefore, my song of the day.

I am guiding myself right to the end

Life is weighing down on me, killing me inside
Something I could never be will guide me to the new
Light
Frustrated
Sedated
I pray to myself

God please
Don't take away from me

The only fucking thing
That I learned to believe
I am becoming the monster
You promised to keep him away
Now I feel like he's living in me

Anyway, I could never ever be
What you think is right for me
Are things that I will not believe
I want to start a new life
Get myself a sharp knife
Look into my own life
Kill things I don't like in me

But sometimes I feel OK
And think I'm unique
You always try to critique
I turn my back on it anyway
Sucker! Punk-ass motherfucker
I am loco
Te falta un poco
To get your ass in a choke-hold

Just kill me - I can't breathe
I am guiding myself right to the end
I can't learn - come to terms
With the sickness that makes me crash and burn

I'm crying, I feel like I am dying but I'm trying
I beg to myself put my pride up on the shelf
Life is not forever
But if life will stay together
I would have a friend in my depression, have an end

But I've been thinking
And thinking always gets me into trouble
But since I have a double personality
I wasn't me you see
Now I'm a refugee
And everything inside of me is just a part of my disease

Just kill me - I can't breathe
I am guiding myself right to the end
I can't learn - come to terms
With the sickness that makes me crash and burn

Just kill me - I can't breathe
I am guiding myself right to the end
I can't learn - come to terms
With the sickness that makes me crash and burn

Sleepless Night

I did not get any sleep last night. I tossed and turned like crazy yet again. I haven't gotten a single solid nights sleep in weeks. I feel so physically weak right now, I don't know what to do. Work, exercise, sleeping pills..nothing seems to help. All I can think about is her and how much she means to me. I miss her so much. She's all I want. The idea of us not ever getting back together is something that fucking terrifies me. I will get through the day, and I will do everything I can to sleep well tonight. And most importantly, I will show her I have changed.

Me Inside

I am angry, I am upset, I want to cry but I am out of fucking tears. I want to scream and shout, but I don't have to will to cave. Everything hurts so much. The sadness and the anger have come together to cause some hybrid form of emotional torment that I cannot find the words to describe. How does this nightmare end? WHEN does it end?!

Sometimes it Hurts

My first day at Coastal Flooring went really well, and I proved myself worthy. I was feeling happy and proud as I clocked out and drove home, but as soon as I walked in the door of my moldy, stuffy and decrepit house the feeling of sadness immediately washed over me. The feeling of being alone washed over me. The feeling of having no one to hold and cuddle with washed over me. All I can think about is Jenn, and all I feel is the void that of not being with her. I went from feeling proud, accomplished and hopeful to feeling helpless, hopeless, sad and alone. I love her so much. I swear on everything holy that I am going to keep this job, that I am going to be good at it, that I'm not going to quit, and that I will not frivolously blow my money. I mean it in every sense possible that I have changed my ways, and that I am not going to fall back into the same tired old habits again. I wish she believed me now. This hurts so much. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no desire to watch television, I can't concentrate on reading right now, I'm a little exhausted for a bike ride at the moment..all I want is Jenn. She is absolutely all I want in this world.

Jenn, please believe me when I say that I will never let you down again. I have changed, I swear I have. I won't leave this job. If we get back together, I will never require another chance again. I am going to go to work everyday and I am going to like it. I am going to make money, and show you that I can be trusted and dependable. I am going to prove to you that I can be your Prince. Oh, God I miss you so much. This is killing me. It hurts so fucking much, I can't even tell you. I never want to feel this way again. I want to feel you in my arms so bad right now. I swear that I will never let you down or disappoint you again.

Time to go wipe away the tears and figure out some sort of distraction.

Not the easiest day

One job has ended and another one begins tomorrow. It was an extremely long day for me. The stress, a brain that refuses to stop running at full speed, sadness, loneliness, endless thoughts and visions of her; of us together and how badly it continues to hurt me that we are not together. There's a hole in my heart only her kiss, her smile, her scent and her warmth can fill. I love her to no fucking end, and I will stop at nothing to show her I have changed. I will stop at nothing to show her that I'm responsible, that I'm dependable, that I can succeed at something, that I can maintain a fucking job, that I can manage my finances, keep gas in my car, save money, and pick up the fucking check.

One of my greatest fears is winding up like my dad. Being almost 60 years old, living in a studio apartment, unemployed, poor, missing teeth, out of shape, depressed, feeling worthless, and dying alone with no one that cares within a thousand miles. I am getting my act together. I am getting my shit together. I am going to work my ass off. I am breaking the fucking cycle. I am going to show the woman I love beyond words that things have changed.

I miss her so fucking much. I love her so fucking much. I continue to fall to pieces without her. It hurts so fucking much to not be with her, I can't even put it into words how much I am hurting. I will truly show her how much I care. I will produce results. I will prove I've changed. I will show her that she would be in no way a fool to be take me back. I will prove to her that she would never have to hear me ask for another chance again. I will show her that I am not fucking around anymore. This is the most emotionally painful thing I have ever fucking gone through. I have never loved anyone the way I love Jenn, and I never ever want to go through this again. And I don't want to end up like my fucking dad either, so between both of those reasons, I really hope she can understand how serious I am this time. I have never been this serious in my fucking life. I am breaking the cycle this time. And for good.

I have never wanted something as badly as I want to be with her again. That is the God's honest truth. She is all I can think about around the clock. She is absolutely everything to me, and I feel like a train wreck without her. I'd die for this girl. I'd do anything for her on any fucking day. I really hope she knows that. I really hope she knows how much I care. I really hope she knows how much I love her. I really hope she knows that I am not going to let her down again. EVER.

If you're reading this, please know how much I love you, Jenn. And I am always thinking about you. I am never not missing you terribly. I want so badly to hold you in my arms again as my partner in life and in love. I want nothing more than to softly, gently kiss those sweet lips and look into those amazing eyes that are capable of stopping time. I want nothing more than to give you peace of mind on all fronts that things are really changing this time, and I won't stop until I have proved that to you.

Morning sadness

Why do I keep waking up every morning at 5 or 5:30? Why do I constantly cough and can't seem to clear my throat? Why is my back covered in weird spots that only seem to spread and are now appearing on my stomach? Why am I so fat and bloated?Why am I so dull and brainless? What the fuck is happening to me? Why can't anything good ever happen? Why do I have to be alone? How can I make my life better? How can I start to feel better about myself? Why am I always nervous, anxious, and paranoid? Why do I cry at some point everyday uncontrollably?

These are just a few of the things about myself that I hate and/or am scared about. I feel like such an unattractive person on the inside and the outside. There is nothing about myself that I like. And I tear up as I type this. There are so many things about myself I wish I could change and I feel helpless in changing them. I feel like a complete mess and I don't like it one bit. I hate myself and I feel stuck with myself. All I want to fucking do is get away from myself and be somebody else. I haven't felt any confidence at all in such a long time. No one likes me and they shouldn't. No one loves me and why the fuck should they? People bend over backwards just to put up with me in their minds long enough to write happy birthday on my Facebook page. I see people I used to know get 40 likes or more for a god damn selfie.

Someone please help me. Tell me what to do. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. God, I am at your mercy. Please just give me a sign. Tell me how to be a better person. I am at the razor's edge of my rope now at 31 years old, feeling like a clueless, scared and helpless child on the inside. I want to be someone I and SHE can be proud of. Please, I'm begging you. I need to get off of this road and onto another path. It hurts so much.

For one night, everything felt right.

For one night, everything felt right again. Then morning came, and she left appearing to feel a lot of regret or so I greatly fear. All I want is for her to call or message me and tell me she had fun, or how right it felt, that she loves me, misses me, a heart or kiss emoji. Something. For me, it felt so right, it felt so perfect, I loved every second of our night together and I wish so badly that she felt the same. I want to hear from her so bad, it hurts. Watching her drive away was so hard, I just wanted to run after the car. And all I can think is that she regrets every fucking second of last night and its killing me.

God, I love this girl so god damn much.

Song of the day:

I did it all wrong and please let me fix it

Played out like a dream I made up

Sponged up, soiled and utterly fucked up

Hate feeling so relentless and lonely

No one gives a fuck for my testimony

Here-there and frankly nowhere

Someone please get me the fuck out of here

This is not the way it should be

Love me-want me-and never leave me

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong, please let me fix it

Her smile make for a heavenly vision

Her kisses soothe like the greatest sensation

She was the best I'll ever have in this life

She can cut through me like a fucking kitchen knife

There is so much more I had planned for us

There are endless memories I had in store for us

I never wanted it to end this way

Love me-hate me-please don't go away

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong, please let me fix it 

Please hold me once more

Kiss me once more

Hold me once more

Kiss me once more

Hold me-kiss me

Hold me-kiss me

Please don't go!

This heart aches and then it breaks

Over and over every single day

For the one true angel that got away

I think about her every single day

This heart aches and then it breaks

With every single brush and sway

She is the one true answer that slipped away

I will think about her every single day

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong and now I have to live with it

I did it all wrong, please let me fix it

First day back to work and other thoughts

It was nice to keep busy, make money, meet new people, and I kept a pretty positive attitude all day and did my best to keep all negative thoughts at the door, and I think I did a good job doing that. I talked music, cinema, television, writing and other subjects with a few people throughout the day and that felt nice as well. Everyone seems pretty close and they get a long well. There's even a very androgynous guy there who was wearing pink Capri pants, white fingernail polish with designs and patterns, a feminist shirt though I can't remember what it said, converse sneakers with purple laces. I didn't notice any make up, wasn't clean shaven and he had short hair. My days of that fashion sense are behind me, but it was nice to see that the workplace welcomed people to be themselves, and that everyone got along.

After coming back from lunch, there was a quiet period where I was by myself working on something and I found myself emotionally vulnerable and too free of distraction. At that moment, she was all I could focus on, and I wanted to jump in my car so badly and just run to her. I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to hold her in my arms, and go to sleep with her tonight. I ached all over for her, and I still do of course. It was such an overwhelming and powerful moment, I got very shaky and felt my tear ducts preparing for tide. I managed to get myself under control, and eventually found myself distracted again.

I miss her so much. I want so badly for this job to go well which it seems to be, I want to show her I can hold something steady and excel at it like I used to do years ago before she met me. I want success for myself too of course, but in all fairness I want so badly to show her I changed, and I want her to know I can be dependable emotionally and otherwise. I want to show her she didn't waste two years of her life on a deadbeat pothead. That I can take things slow, casual and have fun. That I am not obsessed with the future anymore.

But with all that said, she has such a powerful effect on me and there's no one else I ever want to be with. I love everything about her and there's nothing I'd ever want to change. She wouldn't believe that, but it's the truth. When I think of her, when I hear her name, when I see her face in my mind, I just fill with love and sorrow. Love for everything she is and sorrow that she is not here.

She is all I want for my birthday.

Song of the day:

The Scar She Left

I see you every morning when I wake up

I see you when I lay my head down every night

There is no such place or time

That can damn near keep me from wishing I was there with you

And this scar that you've left me has shown me just who I could be

While this scar that you have left me has just left me wanting

To hold you more closely

To share with you a much funnier story

To laugh with you, and keep you

To shield you from this world filled with numerous evils

I've seen ups and I've seen downs from being a character in almost any fable

These thoughts play on a loop in my brain

Asking me has this well of hope been drained

You know what you mean to me

You know I love and for you I'd do anything

It hurts so much to know where we're at

But please know that these past few years to me meant everything

And this scar that you've left me has shown me just who I could be

While this scar that you have left me has just left me wanting

To hold you more closely

To share with you a much funnier story

To laugh with you, and keep you

To shield you from aches and pains in a world filled with hidden devils

I've seen ups and I've seen downs from being a character in almost any fable

These thoughts play on a loop in my brain

Asking me has this well of hope been drained

I see your face every morning

I'm reminded of you every moment I'm awake

With this scar that you've left me

With this scar that you've left me

And this scar that you've left me has shown me just who I could be

While this scar that you have left me has just left me wanting

And this scar that you've left me has shown me just who I could be

While this scar that you have left me has just left me wanting....

To hold you more closely

To share with you a much funnier story

To laugh with you, and keep you

To shield you from aches and pains in a world filled with hidden devils

I've seen ups and I've seen downs from being a character in almost any fable

These thoughts play on a loop in my brain

Asking me has this well of hope been drained

Mind Log

I had a 2nd interview yesterday for an account management position at ID Product Source. It went really well. I was complimented on my answers to tough questions and complimented on my overall attitude and both people interviewing me were impressed with my previous experience. They said they are making their final decision next week. I'm feeling very positive.

I finished reading Dr. Sleep and immediately picked up Throne of Glass. It has my attention and I am enjoying it, but I am very distracted for a variety of reasons.

Song of the day:

How very little is left

"You make me hard when I'm all soft inside
I see the truth when I'm all stupid-eyed
The arrow goes straight through my heart
Without you everything just falls apart

My blood wants to say hello to you
My fears want to get inside of you
My soul is so afraid to realize
How very little there is left of me"

- Trent Reznor

💕 A Poem for Jenn 💕

Beads of rain keep falling from the skies

Tears of sadness keep falling from my eyes

I've stayed up late and keep on wondering why

We are not a couple on this dark and stormy night

This world cannot ever keep my love in check

Cannot keep my heart and soul from feeling so wrecked

My dreams about us continue on and on

My devotion to you isn't matched by anyone

There's nothing I wouldn't give

No height I wouldn't climb to

No bridge I wouldn't cross

No happiness I'd ever deny you

These beads of rain still fall from the skies

As these tears of sadness still drip from my eyes

Alone I feel without your embrace

Without your lips against mine

Without your beautiful face

Be with me and I will never fail you

I will show you I've changed

I will show you it's all true

I will always be there for whatever you need

A shoulder to cry on

For you I would crack and I'd bleed

These beads of rain that fall from the sky

These thoughts of you that still make me cry

From the most honest and earnest corners of my heart

I wish the rain would let up

I wish we were no longer apart

💑
💗 I love you 💗
💑

Tuesday

For the past few days, I haven't had the desire to write. But thoughts are bottling up in my mind so much from not writing, that I felt the need to come back.

My thoughts honestly haven't changed much. Jenn is on my mind all the time. I want nothing more than to be with her again and I'm scared to death that it's not going to happen. I wonder all the time what she is thinking and whether or not I am in her thoughts. I'd give absolutely anything to kiss those soft and sweet lips again, to wrap my arms around her again and to show her how much better things can be.

I want to show her who I really am. I want to show her what can be. I just need one more chance to show her that I can be her rock. Show her I have really changed. Show her I am a new person. Show her that I can set things right.

If you're reading, I love you, Jenn. I miss you so much.

Song of the day: