Still not out of tears for you

I am still asking myself why. I am still hoping maybe something will change. I know in my heart that this is the way its going to be but I can't face that reality full-on. I am surrounded by more things that remind me of her than don't. I still don't have the heart to full clean-house of her. There's just too much, and to see it all accumulated into one cluster of memorabilia to be discarded is just too large of an emotional task. I still prefer to let everything stay hidden, scattered and out of sight. The shower head she bought me broke today. It was from the dollar store, and probably was never going to last. But throwing it out and putting the old one back on took a lot out of  me.

I still miss her so much. I still love her so much. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of seeing her face and not being able to touch it. I'm tired of backed up pictures that I didn't know I still had popping up, scraps of paper crumpled up in my drawers that have some sort of correlation, the key chains I carry everyday, the bed I sleep on, the sheets I sleep on, the posters in my room, the TV shows I used to enjoy, the lap pad I am using....she is everywhere. And I feel like I am in the midst of an emotional ordeal that will never end.

Why does she want it this way? Why do I have to hurt? Why can't I do anything right or make anyone happy? I have so much love to give and all I want to do is give it to her.

Happy early birthday, Jenn. For I know you're happiest without me. I wish I could give you all the fucking time you wasted on me back and let you use it for something that would of truly made you happy in the end. I am so sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted or needed. I still wish so badly that I could. Not a day goes by where I don't mourn your complete and total absence from my life.

This is not the way I want it.

I'm only after death

My sinful glare at nothing holds thoughts of death behind it
Skeletons in my mind commence tearing at my sanity
Vessels in my brain carry death until my birth
Come and die with me forever
Share insanity

Do you want to die?!

The waves of blood are rushing near, pounding at the walls of lies
Turning off my sanity, reaching back into my mind
Non-rising body from the grave showing new reality
What I am, what I want, I'm only after death