No Place

There is no place for me in this world. And there never will be. I don't care about anything anymore. Fuck you all. Eat shit and die. Everything and everyone disgust(s) me. And always will.

Done.

I'm disillusioned. I'm lonely. And all I can see are those hundreds of random sketches I found of smiley faces that my dad had drawn in his studio apartment, probably because he was so depressed, feeling so lonely and hopeless that he didn't know what else to do and thought it would help. That's where I'm at. And no one gives a shit.

No One Understands

I finally realized today that no one understands how I feel. Or what it's like to feel as alone and cursed as I. Just me against the world. Always has been and always will be.

Goodbye

I was feeling real ill the day I took that pill
No care in the world for what would happen next
And then I fell to the ground with not a care or a sound
Just waiting for God to take me away
I've spent my whole life walking the edge of that knife
And I've decided that I don't want to stay

I don't fuckin' care any longer
I hate everyone more and more
I'm disillusioned with this whole fuckin' place

So I'm leaving planet Earth now
There are no stars in the sky now
Silent darkness becomes my savior
There's no pain left where I'm going

The pain just grows and it grows
Cannot take it, will not take it, so here I go

The tensions grow thicker as the foundation just splinters
The world remains oblivious to all my distress
I find it astounding how this migraine keeps pounding
Just another disgrace or just another strange face
In the end I'll let the chips fall where they may

All I'm after is peace of mind
All I want is what's mine
And all I know is this world's full of pain

So I'm leaving planet Earth now
There are no stars in the sky now
Silent darkness becomes my savior
There's no pain left where I'm going

The pain just grows and it grows
Cannot take it, will not take it, so here I go

The despair never fucking ends

I need to remember that thinking positive doesn't work. Bouncing back inevitably leads to having my spirit crushed again. Today, I am almost in tears. I am trying so fucking hard and no matter how hard that actually is, it seems all the bullshit just keeps coming, the criticism and scrutiny just keeps coming, and people will never just leave me alone. I am convinced that I am nothing more than an experiment. A very sensitive, very emotional, and worrisome individual subjected to continuous unpleasant and trying circumstances. The goal is apparently to see how long I can go on like this, and see how long it takes until I eventually throw in the towel. I feel dreadfully close right now. I almost quit and called for a ride. I was about to cry before. I can't take the pressure. I can't take the embarrassment or feeling like everyone is thinking about me negatively or the scrutiny and continued criticism. I have been trying a dozen times harder than I did at QVC and apparently I'm being punished for it. I hate everyone. I hate everything. Seriously, why the fuck am I even alive? I am tired of being a part of this mental and psychological abuse experiment. I feel like I'm about to cry again. Great.

Dear World that is Trying to Break My Spirit

Congratulations. You've won. Yes, you are reading that right. You've officially broken my fragile fucking spirit. I basically don't give a good god damn about much of anything anymore. I busted my ass applying for jobs for 9 months. I busted my ass through the temp agency's bullshit drawn-out application and hiring processes, I busted my ass through the incoherent training that I received, and of course I busted my ass for the past 2 weeks to do everything right with this job. And what do I have to show for it?  Ongoing scrutiny from management as they nitpick their way through the most petty of bullshit via continuous emails that make me want to get up and walk out of here. And then they give us this "final exam" 3 weeks in, rather than at the end of the first week which would've actually made sense (god forbid). And then the fucking evil cunt that runs this strip mall call center does even more nitpicking as she grades my exam, doing everything she can to not give me a passing grade, doing everything she can to break my spirit and reiterate my position in this call center and in this world. A passing grade is at least an 80% and she made sure that I got a 79. She took half points off on two open ended questions where my answers were correct, but apparently not what she was looking for and marked me off on several other questions that were horribly worded unclear and ridiculously petty to begin with. An example of one: "Why would someone want to enroll in a health plan?" Again, my answer was correct, but not the ONE answer she was looking for.

I am forever doomed to stay with my servant status in this horribly damaged world where the American dream has become a pipe dream. You either have to create the next app for the braindead populous or win the lottery to make it in the world I've inherited. And I get to take this stupid fucking exam again next week and pass it if I want to continue making my fancy 10 dollars an hour.

Fuck this world. Fuck Maximus. And fuck their stupid test. All I ever get for my hard work is disappointment. I give up.

Untitled Lyrics

Enemies with my memories
I burn them and bury them
I tell myself that they don't exist
I beg 'do not hurt me'
I beg for their mercy
But the phantoms and demons insist

'We're in this together' - That's what they tell me
A perfect match for a perfect mistake
Fused with uncertainty - Growing impatient
The world will have to end without me

There's no more light - No more lights

Eager for knowledge
Desperately seeking a place to lay down to sleep
The birds have stopped chirping
Our debts are unpaid and the heavens have agony in store

I've never stopped fighting
I've never stopped saying
That all I want from this world is love
The sky is still falling
Now and forever
The circles in which we run are retraced

No more light - No more lights

I can't be the hero - I won't ever win
The war I keep fighting was not meant to end

Untitled & Incomplete Narrative

On a cold December night, I felt so lonesome that I went for a walk down these frozen snowy streets. The streetlamps were dim, allowing for the Christmas lights in the neighborhood to illuminate the streets with their more bright and festive glow.

A message to myself

Be strong. Have a positive attitude. It's not a big deal. The day will be over soon. You'll make it. You're tough.You've dealt with A LOT worse. If you let yourself be miserable, the day will get harder. The day will inevitably suck and drag on. So, just hang in there, suck it up and think positive. It could be a lot worse. You're doing good. You're trying. Your family is proud of you. She' proud of you. It'll be okay.