I need to remember that thinking positive doesn't work. Bouncing back inevitably leads to having my spirit crushed again. Today, I am almost in tears. I am trying so fucking hard and no matter how hard that actually is, it seems all the bullshit just keeps coming, the criticism and scrutiny just keeps coming, and people will never just leave me alone. I am convinced that I am nothing more than an experiment. A very sensitive, very emotional, and worrisome individual subjected to continuous unpleasant and trying circumstances. The goal is apparently to see how long I can go on like this, and see how long it takes until I eventually throw in the towel. I feel dreadfully close right now. I almost quit and called for a ride. I was about to cry before. I can't take the pressure. I can't take the embarrassment or feeling like everyone is thinking about me negatively or the scrutiny and continued criticism. I have been trying a dozen times harder than I did at QVC and apparently I'm being punished for it. I hate everyone. I hate everything. Seriously, why the fuck am I even alive? I am tired of being a part of this mental and psychological abuse experiment. I feel like I'm about to cry again. Great.
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