I don't know.

If you asked me whether or not she still loves me, I honestly couldn't fucking tell you. And I wish I didn't care.

I reject this fucking race. I despise this fucking place.

I'm a carnal, organic anagram. Human flesh instead of written letters.
I rearrange my pathetic tissue. I incise. I replace. I'm reformed.
I eradicate the fake pre-present me. Elevate me to a higher human form.
The characters I am, made into a word complete, then I'll be the new norm.
Self inflicted fractures. I replace my bones with bars;
Aluminum bleeding oxide; the drug of gods into my pounding veins

(A human puzzle for all to scorn. No face. No back. Directionless.
My scarred edition I'll display; the organic word for nothingness)

My receiving eyes exchanged with fuses; blindness induced to prevent destruction.
Ceramic blades implanted past my ribs to save me from the dues of inhalation.
I tear my worldly useless skin. Staples to pin it over my ears.
Non-receptive of ungodly sounds - I disable the audio-generators of fear.
Hexagonal bolts to fill my mouth, sharpened to deplete the creator of all violence;
Without speech there will be no deceit

Baptized in vitriolic acid. A final touch. A smoothing of features.
Completion of the greatest art; to cast the godly creatures.
Humans, once astray; made divine. Stripped of congenital flaws.
We're incandescent revelations in a world of darkened forms.

(Confide in my new age dogma. Swallow the indoctrination. You'll come to love it here,
The suicidal atmosphere. Let me into your common mind. I'll plant my thoughts into its soil.
Walk among us self-made gods, deified through the pains of self torture)

Disciples, come join with me to save a failed humanity.
Follow the god of cyanide into the new eternity.
Behold; a sacrificial raise, a cleansing worshiping of pain.
The new millennium Christ here to redeem all from lies

I don't want to feel this way anymore,

I can't cook dinner without feeling like I'm going to cry. I cant wash the dishes afterwards without actually crying. The phone is dead silent as is my house. No friends text or cal to say hi. No significant other sending thoughtful messages. No family checking in on me. No one thinks about me. Jenn has said barely 3 words to me all weekend. I start school in 2 days and I am dreading it. I worry I won't be able to pay attention or retain information in my infinite sadness. I wish Jenn were here. I just want to hold her tight and feel my worries slip away. I feel so strongly for her and I am almost certain she doesn't feel even remotely the same. Is this how life is going to stay? Am I going to die broke and alone in a tiny apartment like my father?

I just want to be happy

I woke up at 4:30 this morning with a serious heaviness in my chest. The first thought that came to mind as I slipped into full consciousness is that I have wasted my life. I have wasted more than ten years thinking that I knew better than everyone else and I have only deficits to show for it. No one cares whether I am bad or well, coming or going, alive or dead. I have no fucking clue why Jenn even still talks to me, why she still comes around, or how she ever gets herself to sleep in my bed, or even remain intimate with me in anyway. Of course I am thankful she is still around, and still lets me touch her, hold her, kiss her, make love to her; God knows my heart and other vital organs would simply just give up if she were gone. But I am so tired of waking up everyday feeling this way. I am so tired of the 'look at me' bullshit online, the overly braggadocios stories of success; even over regular everyday accomplishments constantly competing for 'likes' and 'shares,' the narcissism, the ultrasounds, the food pictures, the ME ME ME ME!


The more of this shit that I see and hear, the further in the hole I feel. The more nauseous I feel. The more I just want to crawl under a rock and give in. Fuck, I can't even roll up my car windows when it rains. I cant even go down the block and get a cheeseburger from McDonald's if I want to. I am not saying my problems are anyone's fault but my own, but to be fair, if I hadn't taken the word of some dim-witted know-nothing low-level interviewer, I may be making a lot more money right now as an account manager.

I want to so bad to see Jenn's face, see her smile and have her look me in the eyes and say, "I knew you could do it." Whether its regarding my first A+ on an exam, in a class overall, when I receive my diploma, or when I start my first real career. To make her proud, to hear her say it, would make all this pain, depression, sweat and tears completely irrelevant, something not worth sweating over or reliving ever again. It would make everything I have gone through completely worth it, and more. I want to prove to her and to my family once and for all that I am better than my current status. I am better than what my shitty house, torn up bed sheets, fat gut, long hair and 2- year old car with garbage bags over 3 of its windows may suggest.

I cant wait, I really fucking can't wait...until this struggle is over and for the day I can look at Jenn straight in the eye as she lay next to me in our king size bed with soft, clean sheets tightly fitted over them with nice luxurious puffy pillows cradling our heads and say, "Good morning, babe. Another night in paradise, eh?"

Right now I feel so alone, and any kind of success feel like a lifetime away. I feel unworthy of Jenn's love, of my family's love, of even my one surviving dog's love and it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me shaky. I want to be so much better, and I want to do so much better. I miss Jenn so god damned much right now. Every time we part ways I am afraid its the last time I am going to see her; as if something is going to click in her head and she is going to realize what a white trash piece of government hand-out accepting shit I am. And then one day, Ill find she has moved on with someone who got their college degree a decade or more earlier, and has a job they hold tenure at, who likes the same books as she does, etc etc...

The idea of that scares the shit out of me because my love for her is undying. There's nothing about her that I don't love. Her intelligence, her wit, her sense of humor, her ambition, her eyes, her smile, just her.. EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUT.

I cant bare to lose her. Someone help me out of this proverbial hole. I am about to drown in my own tears.

(Sorry for any spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors. Not feeling up for the task of proofreading this morning.)

I cried again today. (Yeah, I know you're not surprised)

 Today has proven to be no easier than yesterday. The emptiness of my home, the disillusionment in my mind, the increasing nerves I feel as school approaches, and all but being told to "fuck off'" by mother when I reached out for someone to talk to just moments ago.

I spoke  to her on the phone before, and I really wish now that I didn't. She says I am not depressed or overly sensitive or overly anxious, but that my brain is just fucked up and there is nothing anybody can do for me, She tells me to just deal with it. Wow, where's she been keeping her psychiatry degree all these years?

I told my mom that the loneliness I feel at home hurts despite how busy I try to keep myself. I asked if I could come over for a while and she made up some shit about being too busy. So, then I mentioned that I am going to miss Jenn while she is away next month wishing I could be there with her. She said to not worry about or even care about Jenn and to just forget her. She said she thinks Jenn is meeting and/or dating other guys when she isn't coming around here and supposedly keeping me on a string in place as a last resort in case she doesn't find what she wants. She also said not to be surprised if Jenn really does find someone else soon, at the convention or otherwise.


I balled into tears when she said that, trying not to cry out, "No, that's not true, How can you say that to me?!"

That's when my mom thanked me for ruining her day and then she hung up the phone.

Here alone, in front of the computer now, I can't stop balling my eyes out.

I'm a man. I have so much love to give. So much truth to give. So much loyalty to give. So much joy and laughter to give. But then someone says something so mean and thoughtless to me, that I can't help but start crying

:GASP:

MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO CRY!!

(Then suddenly no one gives a shit and they all run for the hills because you cried.)

Friday Night Sadness

I hate Fridays. When I had a decent running car, a job, and money in the bank it was great. I could drive down towards Jenn's house. meet her somewhere for dinner, share some laughs and drinks, take her to a movie, and share a happy and loving kiss before either heading back to my house together or calling it a night. I was reliable, my income was reliable, as was my car that got me there.

But here I am now. With no money and no job yet again. A car that is literally falling apart, that Jenn refuses to ever set foot in now, and who can blame her? I have barely heard from her between yesterday and today, and I can't help how sad and emotional that makes me feel right now, wondering what I may of done, whether those fears are justified or not. It worries me helplessly.

I hate Fridays because they used to be the day of the week I could get excited that I was most likely going to see Jenn, whether she'd drive here from Stuart, or from Boynton Beach, or even if I drove to meet her at either of those places; or anyone else in between. Just knowing the work week was done for both of us, and that we had each other to look forward now. and that we could figure out the rest later. I loved it. I always loved it, and I want to love it again.

My heart still aches, and my eyes still fight to hold back the tears when one of these lonely, quiet Fridays comes along when I know there's nothing I can do to assemble a fun and un-regrettable weekend together for the two of us to share. I have no money, I have a fucked up car, and I am sure she has better things to do than sit on my bed with me and listen to the non-nonsensical dribble spewing from my mouth for a third weekend in a row as she one by one pays for everything we eat and/or do the entire weekend because I am again unemployed despite my persistent efforts to end this pattern.

If I were her, I wouldn't want to see me right now either. I don't blame her. But I love her so much, and she makes me so happy that every time a weekend that I'm destined to spend alone comes along, it is impossible not to feel this way. My voice gets shaky, my breathing gets shaky and tears helplessly fall.

I can't help how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I love her so much and that will never stop.

An emotional day

I'm am feeling so extremely emotional today. Extremely weak. Saddened and discouraged with a wreck-less abandon. Her voice melts my soul. I just wanted to reach through the phone and hold her tight, taking in her homely scent and breathtaking eyes which make everything feel okay again. I am going to miss her so much and feel her distance while she is away ever so vividly whether I focus on it or not. I wish so badly I could be there to hold her hand through the streets of Atlanta and embrace her in that king size hotel room bed. I feel so inadequate and fucking useless with no job, with no money and no way to contribute to anything. I vow to change this. I will change this. With childish, emotional tears falling helpless from my eyes, I once declare my undying love to you.

A Cold and Cruel World

Melancholy all the time

A tumor growing rapidly up and down my spine

Everyday it's the same old thing

I yearn for her voice and the peace it brings

Too fast or not slow enough

What can you do when the going gets rough?

I gave up hoping on the day I woke up

I gave up praying on the day I called God's bluff

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes and the world once again feels cold

I'm sick and tired of this fucking fight

I'm sick and tired of not knowing if I'm wrong or right

If I had friends, then where'd they go?

If my life serves a purpose then why won't it show?

Too bright or a bit too dark

My visions of Satan have never been so stark

Agonizing over all I've lost

I threw in the towel but at such a cost

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes and the world once again feels cold

You go on all alone

Live and die so alone...

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes and the world once again feels cold

All alone in the dark and there's no where left to roam

I yearn for a distraction but that's not the way it goes

I feel a tear running down my face but at least it doesn't show

I try but nothing changes in a world so blistering cold

In a world so blistering cold

In a world so blistering cold

In a world so blistering cold

Just do what you're fucking told