Friday Night Sadness

I hate Fridays. When I had a decent running car, a job, and money in the bank it was great. I could drive down towards Jenn's house. meet her somewhere for dinner, share some laughs and drinks, take her to a movie, and share a happy and loving kiss before either heading back to my house together or calling it a night. I was reliable, my income was reliable, as was my car that got me there.

But here I am now. With no money and no job yet again. A car that is literally falling apart, that Jenn refuses to ever set foot in now, and who can blame her? I have barely heard from her between yesterday and today, and I can't help how sad and emotional that makes me feel right now, wondering what I may of done, whether those fears are justified or not. It worries me helplessly.

I hate Fridays because they used to be the day of the week I could get excited that I was most likely going to see Jenn, whether she'd drive here from Stuart, or from Boynton Beach, or even if I drove to meet her at either of those places; or anyone else in between. Just knowing the work week was done for both of us, and that we had each other to look forward now. and that we could figure out the rest later. I loved it. I always loved it, and I want to love it again.

My heart still aches, and my eyes still fight to hold back the tears when one of these lonely, quiet Fridays comes along when I know there's nothing I can do to assemble a fun and un-regrettable weekend together for the two of us to share. I have no money, I have a fucked up car, and I am sure she has better things to do than sit on my bed with me and listen to the non-nonsensical dribble spewing from my mouth for a third weekend in a row as she one by one pays for everything we eat and/or do the entire weekend because I am again unemployed despite my persistent efforts to end this pattern.

If I were her, I wouldn't want to see me right now either. I don't blame her. But I love her so much, and she makes me so happy that every time a weekend that I'm destined to spend alone comes along, it is impossible not to feel this way. My voice gets shaky, my breathing gets shaky and tears helplessly fall.

I can't help how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I love her so much and that will never stop.