I just want to be happy

I woke up at 4:30 this morning with a serious heaviness in my chest. The first thought that came to mind as I slipped into full consciousness is that I have wasted my life. I have wasted more than ten years thinking that I knew better than everyone else and I have only deficits to show for it. No one cares whether I am bad or well, coming or going, alive or dead. I have no fucking clue why Jenn even still talks to me, why she still comes around, or how she ever gets herself to sleep in my bed, or even remain intimate with me in anyway. Of course I am thankful she is still around, and still lets me touch her, hold her, kiss her, make love to her; God knows my heart and other vital organs would simply just give up if she were gone. But I am so tired of waking up everyday feeling this way. I am so tired of the 'look at me' bullshit online, the overly braggadocios stories of success; even over regular everyday accomplishments constantly competing for 'likes' and 'shares,' the narcissism, the ultrasounds, the food pictures, the ME ME ME ME!


The more of this shit that I see and hear, the further in the hole I feel. The more nauseous I feel. The more I just want to crawl under a rock and give in. Fuck, I can't even roll up my car windows when it rains. I cant even go down the block and get a cheeseburger from McDonald's if I want to. I am not saying my problems are anyone's fault but my own, but to be fair, if I hadn't taken the word of some dim-witted know-nothing low-level interviewer, I may be making a lot more money right now as an account manager.

I want to so bad to see Jenn's face, see her smile and have her look me in the eyes and say, "I knew you could do it." Whether its regarding my first A+ on an exam, in a class overall, when I receive my diploma, or when I start my first real career. To make her proud, to hear her say it, would make all this pain, depression, sweat and tears completely irrelevant, something not worth sweating over or reliving ever again. It would make everything I have gone through completely worth it, and more. I want to prove to her and to my family once and for all that I am better than my current status. I am better than what my shitty house, torn up bed sheets, fat gut, long hair and 2- year old car with garbage bags over 3 of its windows may suggest.

I cant wait, I really fucking can't wait...until this struggle is over and for the day I can look at Jenn straight in the eye as she lay next to me in our king size bed with soft, clean sheets tightly fitted over them with nice luxurious puffy pillows cradling our heads and say, "Good morning, babe. Another night in paradise, eh?"

Right now I feel so alone, and any kind of success feel like a lifetime away. I feel unworthy of Jenn's love, of my family's love, of even my one surviving dog's love and it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes me shaky. I want to be so much better, and I want to do so much better. I miss Jenn so god damned much right now. Every time we part ways I am afraid its the last time I am going to see her; as if something is going to click in her head and she is going to realize what a white trash piece of government hand-out accepting shit I am. And then one day, Ill find she has moved on with someone who got their college degree a decade or more earlier, and has a job they hold tenure at, who likes the same books as she does, etc etc...

The idea of that scares the shit out of me because my love for her is undying. There's nothing about her that I don't love. Her intelligence, her wit, her sense of humor, her ambition, her eyes, her smile, just her.. EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUT.

I cant bare to lose her. Someone help me out of this proverbial hole. I am about to drown in my own tears.

(Sorry for any spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors. Not feeling up for the task of proofreading this morning.)