Today has proven to be no easier than yesterday. The emptiness of my home, the disillusionment in my mind, the increasing nerves I feel as school approaches, and all but being told to "fuck off'" by mother when I reached out for someone to talk to just moments ago.
I spoke to her on the phone before, and I really wish now that I didn't. She says I am not depressed or overly sensitive or overly anxious, but that my brain is just fucked up and there is nothing anybody can do for me, She tells me to just deal with it. Wow, where's she been keeping her psychiatry degree all these years?
I told my mom that the loneliness I feel at home hurts despite how busy I try to keep myself. I asked if I could come over for a while and she made up some shit about being too busy. So, then I mentioned that I am going to miss Jenn while she is away next month wishing I could be there with her. She said to not worry about or even care about Jenn and to just forget her. She said she thinks Jenn is meeting and/or dating other guys when she isn't coming around here and supposedly keeping me on a string in place as a last resort in case she doesn't find what she wants. She also said not to be surprised if Jenn really does find someone else soon, at the convention or otherwise.
I balled into tears when she said that, trying not to cry out, "No, that's not true, How can you say that to me?!"
That's when my mom thanked me for ruining her day and then she hung up the phone.
Here alone, in front of the computer now, I can't stop balling my eyes out.
I'm a man. I have so much love to give. So much truth to give. So much loyalty to give. So much joy and laughter to give. But then someone says something so mean and thoughtless to me, that I can't help but start crying
:GASP:
MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO CRY!!
(Then suddenly no one gives a shit and they all run for the hills because you cried.)
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