I can't live if living is without you

 This bag of medicine is my last bag. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel dim, I feel dull, I feel weak, I feel a failure. I feel the pulse of all these negative emotions running through my mind to an amplified degree that I cannot stomach anymore. I want a clear mind at work, and when I go back to school. This shit is only holding me back, and I am embarrassed and ashamed I let myself do this into my 30's. It's a crutch, and it's hindering any and all progress as I try to transform into a more confident, alert, observant, well-adjusted and overall intelligent person. All I think about besides Jenn is how much better off I'd of been at this point in my life if I didn't make these horrible choices in my early 20's and continue on that fucking path for a decade. I see people younger than me driving newer cars, having better paying jobs, buying their first house, and what do I have? I have a 17 year old car, a disgusting home I share with a crazy person, no friends, a family that can't stand me, little to no food, and a girl I'm madly in love with who fears I will never hold a job. I am quitting marijuana once and for all. I need a clear and sober mind if I am ever going to get out of this fucking hole, show the girl of my dreams what I am really made of and show her what my full potential really is.

I have never been in so much pain in my life. I can't go on like this forever. Won't she see how true these words I speak are? These words of love and devotion to only her. She is all I want in this world. And I will do anything for her. Not being with her is killing me a little more everyday, and I can't take the pain anymore. This is hurts SO FUCKING MUCH. Can't you see I'm changing, Jenn? Please take me back. I can't hurt like this anymore. I am never going to let you down again, I am wide fucking awake. Just please end my suffering before it consumes me whole. Everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe.

I wish I couldn't feel feelings anymore. I really do.

I can't live if living is without you. It's so fucking true. And therefore, my song of the day.