It was nice to keep busy, make money, meet new people, and I kept a pretty positive attitude all day and did my best to keep all negative thoughts at the door, and I think I did a good job doing that. I talked music, cinema, television, writing and other subjects with a few people throughout the day and that felt nice as well. Everyone seems pretty close and they get a long well. There's even a very androgynous guy there who was wearing pink Capri pants, white fingernail polish with designs and patterns, a feminist shirt though I can't remember what it said, converse sneakers with purple laces. I didn't notice any make up, wasn't clean shaven and he had short hair. My days of that fashion sense are behind me, but it was nice to see that the workplace welcomed people to be themselves, and that everyone got along.
After coming back from lunch, there was a quiet period where I was by myself working on something and I found myself emotionally vulnerable and too free of distraction. At that moment, she was all I could focus on, and I wanted to jump in my car so badly and just run to her. I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to hold her in my arms, and go to sleep with her tonight. I ached all over for her, and I still do of course. It was such an overwhelming and powerful moment, I got very shaky and felt my tear ducts preparing for tide. I managed to get myself under control, and eventually found myself distracted again.
I miss her so much. I want so badly for this job to go well which it seems to be, I want to show her I can hold something steady and excel at it like I used to do years ago before she met me. I want success for myself too of course, but in all fairness I want so badly to show her I changed, and I want her to know I can be dependable emotionally and otherwise. I want to show her she didn't waste two years of her life on a deadbeat pothead. That I can take things slow, casual and have fun. That I am not obsessed with the future anymore.
But with all that said, she has such a powerful effect on me and there's no one else I ever want to be with. I love everything about her and there's nothing I'd ever want to change. She wouldn't believe that, but it's the truth. When I think of her, when I hear her name, when I see her face in my mind, I just fill with love and sorrow. Love for everything she is and sorrow that she is not here.
She is all I want for my birthday.
Song of the day:
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