I've had a long day thus far, and only now am I out of my house, spending time with a close friend, having a leisurely time playing around with the computer. I did some writing earlier as you can see, but it's been such a long morning even before then, enough to yet again change the actual road I'm on. Within the next two months, perhaps less I will be yet again living Florida near my family, on the road to hopefully making new friends, and maybe on the road to finally leaving my mark on the world. I have a few friends I will miss here, but my life is in a dark place here, and I see no way out of it while I stay. Sadly also, I had recently struck up a new relationship with an amazing woman just in the last few days before I could even see this coming. I was so hurt by this that even I; whose life it is that hangs in the balance was willing to alter my plans entirely just to make things work with her, but she decided it would be best for me to go. She even thought that the idea of her going down there with me (being I am going to have my own apartment) was fucking nuts, so there's no way that's going to happen.
The fact of the matter is that my landlord can't stand it anymore to see me depressed, that embarrassingly enough she took it upon herself this morning to call my mother and stepfather separately and tell them that I need to move back down here. So the fact of the matter is that I don't even feel comfortable there anymore, not in the slightest. We even had a consultant from a moving company come into my part of the house and give me an estimate on moving all my shit which will cost in the proximity of eight and nine hundred dollars. The only real thing left to do is wait for my unemployment to go through, get my teeth fixed while I still have Medicaid, and pack.
I feel like such a fucking idiot.I'm about to turn twenty seven years old, and this is my fucking life. I can't make it on my own no matter what I fucking do. I always end right back up where I started. Broke, jobless, carless, and girless. Now I am going to go back down to Florida just so my mom and her boyfriend can rip into me, lay a bunch of rules on me, make me feel like shit about myself to the point that I don't even want to try and do anything with my life. I'm going to have no friends, know no one from a fucking hole in the wall, and to make it that much better I'm a socially retarded and neurotic with a small clan of people that understand me, all of them residing in New York.
I better make the most of the time I have left....waiting applying for shit jobs while waiting for unemployment.
Wow. So a total change in scenery then. That's quite a big transition O.O. I'm really sorry that you have to leave friends and people you care about, it's not really a situation I've been in so I haven't the faintest idea how that feels & i'm not even going to try and tell you that i know what it feels like, 'cos i don't. But i bet it's a numb sort of feeling... However, I do wish you all the luck in the world with your move. I must admit, Florida it lovely. I do like it a lot, OK I've only been twice. But I hope to vacation there again sometime soon. Sorry, back to you XD. By the sounds of things, you seem to have a firm grip on what you want to do soon with the whole, sorting out your unemployment etc. It's good to have some short/long term goals =]. But please don't get depressed... I know it's a HUGE ask, but I don't like the thought of someone like you trying your damned hardest & getting down about it... You need to find one thing a day that you feel you've done good and done right- even if it's something soooo small like doing the washing up XD. I know it sounds so stupid. But finding one thing a day that you felt you did good, makes you a wee bit happier... I hope i don't sound like a total weirdo right now. But you are so down to earth & genuine. I think that's something to be happy about ^.^. Don't give up.
ReplyDeleteGinny x