Not feeling too great and trying to be my own therapist

     I am so tired of being in this slump. I am so tired of all these unwelcome thoughts barging into the forefront of my mind. I am so tired of my shitty "friends" here and abroad. I am so tired of being ignored by them, and also by my extended family, particularly on my dad's side. All of them are so fucked up in the head that I seem pretty normal by comparison. I have nothing but bad memories associated with all of them.

     When my dad died, that was the icing on the fucking cake. The drama, the complaints about where we buried him from all of them. I was nice enough to wish my cousin Jamie a happy birthday on Facebook, and she liked all of her birthday wishes but mine. If that's not a giant fuck you, I don't know what is. She even liked the birthday wish she got from our Aunt Lisa, who we both despised greatly growing up. Why must I have such a shitty fucking family, and such shitty friends to go along with it? I'm starting to remember why I deleted Facebook in the first fucking place. At least I can take solace in the fact that my sister doesn't get along with any of them either. In that way, I am not alone.

     But unfortunately I care about it to an extent and she couldn't give a shit less, and I'd give anything to hone that skill. It would make life so much fucking easier. I was never good at picking out friends, never had a good judgement of character. Not to mention, I always  wanted to be liked and accepted by everyone, and would basically do anything to be. I really, really, truly need to stop fucking caring. Fuck them all. And while I am at it, a few specific shout outs: Fuck Medi-Pharmaceutical. Fuck Mallory. Fuck Tristin. Fuck Carol. Fuck Daniel. Fuck Dustin. Fuck Jamie. Fuck Lisa. Fuck Richie. Fuck Sue. Fuck Lenny. Fuck them all. I am done caring. I am done dwelling. I am done with it and I am done with them all. If you don't like me, if you don't care about me, despite all lacking of ill will and despite all well wishes I have bestowed upon you, I don't fucking need you, and it's no skin off my ass. Just fuck off and stay fucked off.

     2016 is the year of rebuilding my self-confidence, rebuilding my self-esteem and making different choices based on all I have learned from my many past mistakes, socially, professionally and otherwise. It is going to be a much better year because I am going to make it a better year. For me, for Jenn, for my immediate family, and anyone who wishes to be a part of my life if they choose to be. Again, if they don't want to be part of my life, that's fine.

Like I said before, just fuck off then.

The Pit

Holding my breath and my face is turning blue

Better to die alone than die here next to you

Vision's becoming blurred and fogged

At least I can't focus on all the bad I've done

In a world so disheveled, without a single answer

Take me back from whence I came!

I see what's not

And I know the not

Swallowed up by a lifetime of lies

Now these days I never dream

Bothered by what all this means

Addicted and yearning for all I despise

Stuck in this pit I scream and I squirm

Waiting for the gas to spark and to burn

Disillusioned and miserable, aren't we all?

Only I'm not afraid to show my feelings anymore

Throat is closing up and airway is clogged

Unable to confess to all the horrible shit I've done 

In a world so disheveled, without a single answer

Take me back from whence I came!

I see what's not

And I know the not

Swallowed up by a lifetime of lies

Now these days I never dream

Bothered by what all this means

Addicted and yearning for all I despise

Stuck in this pit I scream and I squirm

Waiting for the gas to spark and to burn

I see what's not

And I know the not

Swallowed up by a lifetime of lies

Now these days I never dream

Bothered by what all this means

Addicted and yearning for all I despise

Stuck in this pit I scream and I squirm

Waiting for the gas to spark and to burn

 

Growing Strains

A piece of the puzzle found soggy and wet
My body is lacking in iron, the world has gone black
I found my desires, or did they find me?
To find another way, a reason to stay

To just run away..
Running away just to come right back

Am I the only one?!
That can see it for all it is
With blood that's boiling, as my teeth sink in
Am I the only one?!
That sees this exhibit
For all that it is, a pile of human shit!

Am I the only one?!

Locked in my closet, are old memories
Locked in my own skull, endless disabilities
I found out my future, or did it find me?
More confusion and no reason to stay

Just to run away..
Running away just to come right back

Am I..Am I..Am I..Am I..Am I..Am I

Am I the only one?!
Who can see through the trees
With the blood that's boiling, and grinding teeth
Am I the only one?!
That sees this mess
All fucked up, just like the rest!

Running away just to run right back
Running away just to run right back
Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

Dream on, in your blissful sleeps
In a world of wonder awaits you there
Dream on, feed the hopes
Piled right over the reality that awaits you here

Dream on, sleep on, dream on, sleep on, dream on, sleep on,
Dream on, sleep on!!!!

J.B.

You were in my dream last night..
And I really don't know where it came from
All I know is it must mean something
Girl, you were in my dream last night

Everything about it felt so real
I can't describe the chills that it made me feel
And now I want you so bad, I'm willing to steal
Girl, you were in my dream last night

That single kiss we shared
All those years back buried in the sand
Those young feelings we had
The time we shared that I did not forget

I just can't seem to get you off my mind
To try rid myself of this desire would be a crime
I have strong desire and I want to make you mine
Girl, you were in my mother fucking dream last night!!

I know my life was meant for more than this
This nightmare needs to be destroyed and
I miss you so much I just can't ignore it and
There's a reason you were in my dream last night!!

That single kiss we shared
All those years back buried in the sand
Those young feelings we had
The time we shared that I did not forget

This feeling has to be real
I can't rid myself of all this temptation I feel
I want so bad to see your face now
Please be mine, right here, right now!

Girl, you were in my dream last night

The Passing Way

Inherent to what I hate in you
The scarring sun, it has me spun

I am disgraced to what I am
And I'm disgraced at what's to come

There's no where left to run
One bullet in this gun
We beg, we cry, we scream his name
The silence never goes away

And I am disgraced by all I've done
And I'm so disgraced, that I can't turn back

I try but can't prevail, they hate me
Close minds, unopened arms surround

I can't hide

I feel disgraced, the mirror haunts
I feel disgraced, no love out there for me

We Are All Alone

We are all alone..we are all alone
This world you think you know
Keeps its curtain low
If you pretend you understand
The entity will set demands

We are all alone..we are all alone
You've never been that wise
You've never been despised
The truth that hurts so bad
Is the only medicine they had

We are all alone..

I'm a soulless drone..I'm a soulless drone
No need here for a phone
I've always been alone
If you take a peek inside
You'll see everything disliked

There is no such thing as love
No, there's no such thing as love
Heaven up above..a lie, a cover-up
The pain that heals the real
Has always been out to cheat and steal

Your destiny awaits..your destiny awaits
Have and eat your cake
Solace on the lake
The enemies of state will never unlearn their hate
 

You are all alone
I am all alone
We are all alone

Reincarnate

I am so beat to shit my 15 year old self could kick my ass
I've become so codependent if I took a shit right now I couldn't part with it
What have I become? Watch me suck my thumb
I have become the bile spill that could disgust even a roach!

No more! No more! No more! No nothing!

Hey, old self. Would it be best if I wiped your tears?
Old self! You've become everything I swore off in the beginning.
I want to slap my self to shit! I have so much more to admit!
What if I just let god sit and tell me about all I have done?

No more! No more! No more! No nothing!

Even Charlie holds a better record, if you'd seen what goes on full time you'd puke
I wasn't born, wasn't made to hold a flag in you're parade
I can't believe my kind even exist

If you saw what I see you'd jump
If you saw what I see you'd jump
It's best you all just got back to sleep, forget me

No more! No more! No more! No nothing!

Even Charlie holds a better record, if you'd seen what goes on full time you'd puke
I wasn't born, wasn't made to hold a flag in you're parade
I can't believe my kind even exist

The Real Self Inflicted Wound

Light breaks through, screams at me, begs for me to bleed and bleed
Pathways jammed with all my shit, I plead the lord to just let me quit
There is no way that a new day free of despair waits for me
They all beg for me to stay where it rains, where I'll drown and sink away

These feelings drown my soul, tighten my nerves, nothing left to do but squirm and squirm
Embarrassed through existence, covered it all my own shit and piss
I accept the blame, it was my game, it's all my fault everythings stayed the same
They all scream, whatever it means, the end is close but can never be seen

But help me understand, this punishment has has diminished my soul
So please help me understand - Where does it end?

The cruelty is real, the anger I feel, the rage inside with no place to hide
Crawl in my skin, the enemy wins, then comes back to throw again
Been trying to grow, trying to cleanse, make my amends, but
The place where my thoughts, grow into more, has been compromised by leeching whores

I throw myself away, for never another day will I somehow rise above these barnyard flies
Though to do so I'd be willing to pay any price
I carry with me this energy, it can be used for health or used for pain
And I always choose to loose  and dream away my precious days in shit!

This punishment I agreed to has crushed my fucking soul
I want out so tell me please - Where does it end?

Antipathy

I have searched all over, but there was nothing left to find

I have begged and pleaded for mercy, but mommy dearest just spit in my eyes

WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Someone help me reverse this before I dive off the fuckin' edge!

Stop this! Kill this! End this! Fuck this!

I slither right between your legs

I wrap around your neck and watch you suffocate

My loneliness has become my bliss

There's no need to try anymore

All the damage has been done

Stop this! Kill this! End this! Fuck this!

We're all apart of someone else's nightmare

I've been drawn a role and so have you

When it ends, we will all be denied our final bows

Uncredited, the audience couldn't give a shit less who we are or were

The world is such an ugly place to start a life

The world is such a putrid place, full of lies

The planet earth cannot see what we've done

It's blind and waiting death...

Stop this! Kill this! End this! Fuck this!

SHIT OUT OF LUCK!

We're all apart of someone else's nightmare

I've been drawn a role and so have you

When it ends, we will all be denied our final bows

Uncredited, the audience couldn't give a shit less who we are or were