Dear Jenn,
I read last night's blog. I both regret reading it and at the same time, am glad I did. On one hand, it reinforces what I already knew about what I put you through which hurts. On the other, it's nice to know you are doing so well. I am happy that things are going well for you. I seriously mean that. I am glad you are happy, I am glad you have gotten to travel to new places, I am glad you are embracing your creative side and feel joy these day. You deserve nothing less. I am glad you are looking forward to the future, and are no longer having to worry what is going to happen day to day. I feel regret that you ever had to worry about that, or about turning on your cell phone. From what I gather, joy and relief was something you clearly weren't feeling before you stopped seeing me. That is completely understandable, and I don't doubt its the truth at all. As I have said, I have had plenty of time to reflect on my issues, and the negative impact my behavior has had on you and our past relationship. All that thinking and reflecting has brought to the one and only possible conclusion: I put you through absolute hell.
I wish so bad that we could talk. I want so bad to comment on your blog, to call, to text, to email, to write you another letter or send you another card, but I gather that is not what you want at all, especially after reading last night's blog. It sounds like what I feared the most has happened, which is that my contacting you disrupted your recovery from all the years of crap I've put you through. I apologize. I couldn't stop myself. I stand by what I said, which is that I will not contact you again unless invited. That is why I am writing this on my own blog, and not commenting on your page or reaching out by any other means at this point, as much as I want to.
Should there ever be a day that you want to talk to me, I welcome it with open arms and always will. This experience has truly changed me, it really has. I am not the same person, and I stand by that. It may be hard to tell as I go on and on in my blog about you in the same vein I usually do, but that's what heartache does. That's what the degree of regret I feel for all I have put you through does to me. Given the opportunity to meet up with you or talk, or text, I think you would be genuinely surprised. That is not the kind of thing I would say, especially at this point and not be able to deliver on. I am a much stronger person, a much better person now. You haven't seen my best, and I will always welcome the opportunity to finally show you that, should you ever allow it.
I wish so bad you would call, or text or write, or even show up at my door unannounced. I miss you so much, it makes me sick. I feel childish saying that, but it's the truth. You are my kryptonite. If Anna Faris or Eva Green came into my life, it wouldn't change a thing. You mean everything. You always will. I will say again, I never wanted to be a burden, a volatile uncertainty, a stress-factor, or an expense on your life. I feel bad that my time in your life ever cost you a penny. I don't want that and I never did. Things have changed and that would never be the case again, given the opportunity to show you.
Some time has passed. We haven't seen each other since August. We haven't spoken since September. It may not feel like a lot of time to you, which I understand it really isn't. But on my end, it feels like eons. Not because I am exaggerating as I know I have in the past in regards to the passage of time, but because of how much this hurts. It has made time all but stand perfectly still. I have been working to improve myself non-stop. I mean that. In just a few months' time I have really done a lot to improve myself inside and out. I am not the weak, confused, emotional, whiny and needy baby with no money I once was. If we spoke just once, even for a few minutes you would see the change. It is more than apparent. My family, my doctor and the few people I talk to all say they see the change. I am not making this up. You may not be able to tell from reading this, because I am going on and on about how much I miss you and trying to persuade you to talk to me, but it's the truth and I can easily show you if given the (and I hate using this word just as much as I hate using the word "try") chance.
It's the last time I will ask. It's the last favor I will ever request of you; to please talk to me. Just let me show you what changes I have made. I would never wish to impede on your recovery from the misery, stress and uncertainty you have felt in the past, nor risk the progress you have made since then. I am not the same person. What hasn't changed is the amount of love I feel for you. What hasn't changed is that I know we can be amazing together. I should have gotten my shit together years ago, there is absolutely no denying that. But in any case, I am more together now than I have ever been. I know it's hard or perhaps impossible to tell by reading this, but I mean it.
Please just talk to me one more time, in person, on the phone, via text, I don't care. I promise you won't regret it. And if you don't want to talk to me again after that, you will never see another plea on this blog again for the same. That's a promise I can keep. I will be eternally grateful, as I already am just to have had the chance to know you. You are more special than you can ever know. You have a smile that makes my heart skip beats and eyes that bring tears of joy to my eyes. A laugh that makes me fall for you more and more. You deserve nothing but the best; the finest things in the world and I want to be the man that shares his life and love with you. We make an awesome team, and we can make an even better team going into the future. I know this to be true. I don't expect you believe it, but if we just talk, I think it's possible I can ease your reluctance, fears and concerns about ever having me part of your life again. From the bottom of my heart, all I want is the best for you and if I thought I was still at risk of being an unhealthy factor of that equation, I would not be writing this. Please think about it. I'm sorry for all the past pain and troubles and I would never let that happen again ever.
If your mind is absolutely made up, so be it. This will be the last time I ask anything of you. If I never hear from you, I know I only have myself to blame. I will have to live with that, and I understand. But, I can't help loving you.
Best wishes,
- Dan
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