I hadn't looked at her blog since September. I needed to look. I knew it would hurt, I knew I was risking great pain by peeking, but I couldn't help it any longer. I am happy for her that the divorce is finally over and done with. I truly am. I just wish I was still in her life, so I could celebrate with her.
Still, to this day I deal with the fact that absolutely everything reminds me of her. I keep thinking back to our trip to Key West earlier this year, particularly our time at the outdoor bar, in the pool and the hot tub. I would give a kidney just to relive those moments, it was probably the happiest hour or so of my life. I mean that wholeheartedly, not to discount all of the wonderful memories and laughs we shared together. But when it comes down to it, as we held each other close and kissed in the pool and hot tub, that may of been the closest I ever felt to her. I never wanted it to end. I never wanted this relationship to end. I never wanted to say goodbye.
Another image I keep coming back to is a picture we took at the zoo a few years ago. It's a picture where she still had long red hair, and my hair was fairly short. I also still had metal-framed glasses. In the picture, I am looking at the camera smiling, and she is looking up at me, almost in adoration. It makes me very emotional every time I flash back to it. That's another day I truly wouldn't mind revisiting. Frankly though, I wouldn't mind revisiting any number of countless days where things between us were going well, and she didn't feel trapped with me, but happy. That's all I want for her, is to be happy. I want so bad to show her my best, which I owed her from the get-go, but never delivered. I am more ready now than I have ever been.
I sent her a card and a letter this past Thursday. I just couldn't stop myself. I had so much I wanted to say, but I held back as much as I could and wrote just over a page-long letter that briefly touched on a few things, and included a hand-written poem in the card. I don't know if she got them, but I prepared myself as best I could for a number of negative outcomes including, having them returned in the mail, a negative text message, negative email, negative phone call, negative handwritten response, and no response at all. I don't think her parents would keep them from her when they checked the mail, but I guess I can't rule that out completely either.
I wish I could show her how much I've changed. I am not the same negative, whiny baby I once was. I wish she saw what I see in us. We make such a good team, especially when I am on my game, which I always am now. I don't fight with my parents. I don't invite strange people over. I cut off all contact with anyone I ever met on the internet. I gave up on making friends, aside from meeting people at school. I work hard, I study, I take care of myself, I write, I watch a lot less television, I eat better, and "Rachel" is GONE. I have found myself, and I am happy about it. But a large part of me is still missing, and I know there is no one else out there for me.
This isn't a dependence. This isn't an obsession. This is a love that refuses to die. I have never felt about anyone in the way I feel about her. All she has to do is say my name, and I would come running. Not because I am willing to let her walk all over me, not because I am a puppet, but because I love her and I know what she means to me and it just won't change. I want to share my life with her. Her eyes take me miles away from the closest negative thoughts. Her smile and laugh, are so gratifying, I can't even describe it. I just love making her happy, and I love to make her laugh. These thoughts and sights are tattooed on my brain. I have an undying desire to be there for her, to keep her safe from pain and harm. I don't want to be a bad memory. I don't want to be a burden, an expense or a toll on her life. I want to be her love. I want to be her MAN. I want to show her I can take charge. God knows I had almost 3 years to show her that, which should of been ample time, but God forgive me; I am ready now and I don't need time to "try" or "work on it." The word "try" is going to haunt me for the rest of my days. If she showed up at my door right now by surprise, a man who is willing and absolutely ready to show her what I am really worth would answer.
She hasn't seen my best. She deserved to see it years ago, no question about it. But my best is ready to be seen.
I hope to God you read this. I love you, Jenn.
No comments:
Post a Comment