I woke up at 6:00 this morning wanting so bad to just hit myself over the fucking head with a frying pan and knock myself back out. I don't know what to do with myself. She continues to be all I can think about and I wish so bad I knew what she was thinking about. I have already cried several times this morning, wishing so bad Jenn would text me 'good morning' or call, or just come up behind me and wrap her arms around me.
I don't have the will to empty out the drawer next to her side of the bed. I don't have the will to empty her things out of the bathroom. Everything is right where she left it. I can't bear to throw out her cards. I also can't bear to delete my pictures of her, and of us together.
I want nothing more than the opportunity to start this relationship over from day zero with a clean slate. I look at myself in pictures of us happily together, and I just want to jump into the image and ring my own fucking neck and yell, "Don't fuck this up, you asshole! You're going to lose the most amazing woman in the world if you don't get your god damn act together. Wake the fuck up and realize what you have already!"
I want to call her or message her, but I am so afraid to. I dread that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore after our last talk the other night, and it hurts so much.
Did I lose her entirely and for good? I want to see her beautiful face on the caller ID again, I want to hear her voice so bad again, I want to see her messages pop up again, I want to bring joy into her life again, and ONLY joy.
Regardless of how she may of felt about what I wrote yesterday; if she even read it, I hope I didn't lose her friendship. Her absence this past 24 hours has been brutal on me. She is the only star that shines through the cloudy skies of my life. Please don't go.
Song of the day with lyrics:
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