Friends?

I've said before and I will say it again. It just never gets any easier. I'm still having bad dreams every night. I still feel like my life is completely meaningless from the moment my eyes open in the morning to the moment I am finally asleep.

It hurts so bad. There's something wrong with my head. It just wants to focus on everyone and everything I've lost this year. I tried so hard to fight off these feelings and urges, but after my shower; while I was drying off, it became clear that the control was no longer mine. I sat flatly on the toilet seat and began to weep uncontrollably with my face buried in my hands. It didn't make me feel any better to let it out either, but more and more tears ran their way to my tear ducts and out the other side as if the whole system could blow at any moment.

"J", if you're reading this, my most recent writing in this blog under this one was definitely not written as an excuse to be mean, nasty, angry or whatever else you may of said. I don't write, nor do I live as if everything is either 'rainbows and sunshine' or "ominous, mean, angry and nasty." I write about how I feel, I write to try and find out why I feel that way, and I also use my time writing in this blog to try and get my brain thinking about what does and doesn't make sense about how I feel, and from there I begin to try and pull out any weeds in my mind that may be holding me back, and also weeds from the situational soil. As an avid read and writer yourself, you should be able to understand what I mean, and perhaps with a second look, after reading my explanation here, that could be better understood. My writing, whether it mentions you in it or not is never meant to hurt you. Heartfelt, detailed, truthful, with a lot of nasty weeds that I needed to get pulled from my brain. Straight, unfiltered, uncensored, frank, blunt, honest, with conservative portions of sarcasm and perhaps a bit snippy at times. But in no way mean and nasty.

In any case, I am more than entitled to write about how I feel no matter who's feelings it hurts. I would never be writing about anyone other than myself unless I had cause to, which, in this case, I did and still do have cause. I am mourning the loss of my best friend; the most beautiful dog in the world, Sunny. I still miss her so fucking much, I can't stand it. I am also mourning the lost of my one and only human best friend, Carol who will never talk to me again because she got tired of me complaining about "J" so she blocked my numbers on her phone. This girl Carol, is the same girl I helped find a good paying job by recommending her to the company I worked for in Vero Beach, having told them that they should hire her because she smart and an extremely hard worker. I also helped this girl move, and even let her stay here for several weeks free of charge when she had no place to live at all. So, that's another friendship added to the pile of ashes. It's so hard just to make regular new friends down here, especially at this age, and especially in school which is the only real place to meet them in the first place, because everyone can see how old you are.

When "J" first messaged me off OkayCupid.com I was shocked. I couldn't remember the last time before that nor could I think of anyone else who has ever messaged me off that site since. I'm so eternally grateful that my profile and pictures were interesting enough, that she felt inclined enough to actually contact me, and I wish so fucking badly that she was still here (Here comes the tears again). Granted I haven't tried to meet anyone new since we broke up, but even if I were to try online dating again, no one online seems to find anything appealing about my online profiles and I have no fucking clue what they'd want to see anyway. And most importantly, none of them could ever be "J."

I am really turned off by the idea of going back on those dating websites, updating my pictures, the bio pages and all that shit. I don't want to play fucking games, and that's what they in fact feel like to me. I want "J" back and I am not the least bit interested in inspecting my dating website profiles for flaws or errors just so some anonymous horny slut can feel inspired to message me. Between relationships and friendships, I'm not doing really good down here.

I'm crying too hard now to even keep typing. I keep having to get up for more and more scraps of paper towels. I wish on anything and everything in existence that Jenn would call me so I can hear her voice. I just want to talk to her again. I need to hear her voice. I want to keep her in my life. I can't go on knowing we will never see or speak to each other again. She's too important to just become a distant memory. There's too much at stake between us; too much at stake for both of us. I don't want to let her go. I love her so fucking much. I want to think that even if this is not the right time for her to be with me, that we can at least be friends for now, however long or short-term that friendship turns out being, permanent or not. But I continue to dream over her every night. Wishing she was snoring in bed next to me. Wishing the phone will ring around 4:30pm each weekday afternoon. I miss the way she called me babe and baby. I miss the receiving of a much desired kiss-face emoji. I miss her scent. I miss her hair. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her kisses. I miss her arms around me and vice versa. I miss so many fucking things, I could go on and on. I love her so fucking much. This kills me a little more each and everyday.

I'm in hysterics now. I need to stop. I think I made my point.

I respect your decision, regardless of its toll on me. Regardless of how much my heart and mind may disagree with it. However, I feel like I am losing more and more life with every fleeting day that we are completely incommunicado. Please call and talk to me. That's all I ask. Please, Jenn. If nothing else, please be my friend. Do I not deserve that? Please call...

The Song of the day: