I spent the better part of yesterday at my mother's house. It was nice to get out of the house after being cooped up in my own since the day my heart was ripped from the chest and shoved directly up my own ass because someone thought it was for the best. The same someone who recently made it clear that I am no Prince Charming, and apparently come with none of his supposed attributes or qualities. The same someone who has made it clear that I kept her from doing things for herself, enjoying her life, crossing shit off her bucket list and has now subscribed to wine and coloring books to relieve the mounds of stress I have caused just this year alone with my overflow of love and outreach; lack of fights and arguments. I guess I was always a shitty boyfriend. I guess I always drove her nuts. I guess I wasn't enough of an emotionally disconnected, selfish slob like "R" was. I'm sure she'll eventually find someone who will ask her about every single fantasy book she reads. I guess it wasn't enough that I regularly inquired about how her day was going, what she was up to, how she was feeling, so on and SO FORTH. The fact is nothing I ever did to try and finely tune myself to what her definition of Prince Charming was ever sufficed. Nothing I ever did to fix my mistakes was enough. I bent over backwards trying to be a better boyfriend. I tried to change so many fucking things about the relationship and myself only to be told she didn't want that. I just don't fucking get it. But somehow "R" kept it going with her for almost a decade, and he didn't seem to give a flying fuck about her or her feelings from what I could tell while we were both in the picture. He would lie and neglect constantly. And ultimately, HE decided to leave HER.
I assisted my mother with taking our one surviving dog to the vet because she has been acting strangely, and urinating a lot more. After a urine analysis and some ex-rays, it was determined that our 8 year old Shiba Inu has kidney stones and the "spine of an 18 year old dog." So, now she is on a prescription dog food and painkillers. Awesome news. I was very glad to add it to the pile of shit that's already happened this year, in a year where I was absolutely set on improving all aspects of my life, and that of the woman I loved dearly and thought I'd still be with.
I had a long talk with my sister yesterday, and it was nice to finally talk to someone who seemed to be on my side, who was open to trying to understand what I'm going through, how I feel, and how hurtful this has all been. Among other helpful things, she said I ought to use this time to try and finally get back to trying to write something. She also did invite me to come and visit in New York in the near future. Hopefully the two of us will stay in closer contact from now on.
It's funny how despite there supposedly being so many parallels between myself and "R" (which I find insulting given what I know about him) and me being the 'cleaner' one (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean), I was worthy of being dumped via fucking text message AND he's the one who left her. A victim of her own failed sexual experiment. I am so tempted to just go on and on about her. I just want to write sentence after long-running sentence; paragraph after long-running paragraph about how hurt I am, how alone I feel, how wrong she is for doing this, how sorry she is going to be and so on. I don't think there is any fucking point though. She feels how she feels, she 'knows' what she 'knows,' she has it all figured out, she knows what's best, and she decided text messaging me her goodbyes after 2 years together (regardless of how she felt about those years) was the way to do it. That's love for you.
Nice guys always finish last.
I am off to shower and then head down to the Humane Society of Fort Pierce to inquire about becoming a volunteer. It was my mom's suggestion. I think it will help me feel productive, useful and give me a chance to be around the animals I love. Here is my song of the morning:
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