In less than 2 months, I've already lost a job before I even started it, lost a girlfriend, lost a "best friend" and lost my dog.
I am seriously being tested, or so it feels like. On a level like I've never felt. Between everything happening in the world, happening around me, and happening in my life it is extremely hard not to lose faith in the world, in life, in any reason for being here. Unless you count the one or two social ties I have abroad, I really have no friends. And my own family can't stand me. They keep as much of a distance as they can. I don't even have a dog. I feel so fucking alone.
Am I a bad person or is there just not a single good person left in the world? Am I really the garbage of the universe and that's why I'm so alone? Did I do this to myself or is there something larger at play isolating me into this morbid destitute?
The fact is I believe I am a good person. I believe I have desirable qualities. I have always tried to be good and generous to people. I've taken in people who have had no where to go and fed and showered them. So why am I left so alone in the end? It feels like a fucking curse.
How can Jenn fall out of love with me? It's not fair. I'm smart, I'm talented, and I was misled when it came to starting this last new job. She knew I had the drive and determination and qualifications for the job and many others like it. I wasn't complacent, or unmotivated. I was constantly trying to impress her, pretty much to no avail. I guess I shouldn't be surprised she left me. When the honeymoon phase was over, it felt as if she thought she was too good for me. But I loved her so much, and I still do. I've cried over her several times everyday since she dumped me, and I'm sure the tears are far from done falling.
And may I just say fuck Carol. Fuck her to no end, that screwy loon, flaky, weird and sorry ass excuse for a friend. She is the least dependable person I have ever fucking met. She is incapable of maintaining a friendship with anyone that requires any form of human communication to be sustained. And she also thinks drinking large amounts of whiskey and going for joyrides go hand in hand. So, you know she's got it all figured out.
Is it me or is it humanity? I have tried to be good to people. Honestly, I have. I know I'm far from perfect. But I am not a bad person. I don't want to be alone. I want to be liked. I don't want to be hated. But I don't want to have to fucking pander, or pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm so worried that I'm going to be alone forever and that scares the hell out of me.
I used to not care what people thought about me. I used to not care about people. I used to not care about politics or the world. I used to not care how many friends I had, how many phone numbers I had memorized, how many online contacts I had, let alone what people fucking worry about now in this new society that is narcissistic on a whole new level that's just revolting to me.
I may just be doomed to disappear or be forgotten whether I change who I am or not. I may just be worth anyone's time because I'm not a youtube star or a major instagrammer or tweeter. I never kept close contacts growing up, having moved around so much and having gone through so much turmoil. So now, everything in our world socially and otherwisr has all been digitalized and gentrified. Everyone I knew went along with it and my absence from it has just caused me to be forgotten about.
There's something that feels very nefarious about this new world. People have changed. Culture has changed. And I feel alone and forgotten. Now with Jenn gone, my only friend gone, my dog gone and my family hanging on by a thread, I see nothing good on the horizon. It's like my life already peaked and I'm just done. Alone and done. Crying alone at night in a humid ant-infested house.
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