No Thanks

Thank you but no thanks

An earned thanks for earned pranks

Not anymore

I've been asked a question

(like holy shit)

I think I'm meltin'

(do I exist)

The world's not fallin'

(down just set)

Thank you, but no thanks

Meaningless shit, a meaningless gesture

Faker before and ever faker after

No thanks, not anymore

I'm fucking tired of trying to make you understand

I'm fucking tired of having to defined my place as being misunderstood

I'm tired of getting screamed at for doing my best

I can no longer take these pains deep within my chest

No thank you, not anymore

Eulogy

"To ascend you must die. You must be crucified. For all the sins and the lies. Goodbye."

What was this for?

Blasphemy-show me what's inside of me

I can't hold onto anything

I can never hold onto you

Trickery-Any way you'd rather be

Don't you fucking lie to me

Jumped on, jumped off

What the hell was I doing?

I'm apparently malevolent  

With no ability to nurture

Care, or making it last

I caused you to jump on, jump off

Crawl, ready to fall, fuck you all

Don't let me go, don't let it show

Until I'm ready to drop the ball

Fuck this shit 

I'm sick of it all

Already going down

What was this for?

Panicked!

I'm losing my mind

Entrance to hell that you see in me

I'm always your suspect

And I'm ready to cry now

Fucking indolent

Wiping this shit off of me

Pick up the broken glass and cut

I'm always fucked and fucking doomed, damned to suffer

Fuck this shit 

I'm sick of it all

Already going down

What was this for?

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

Life's just begun

Not out of time yet

No!

You won't kill me

I'm a fire that burns deep inside you

You won't kill me

Because I still burn inside you

You won't kill me

Because I still burn inside you

You can't kill me

Because my soul burns deep inside you!

Why? Why? Why? Why?!?!

Thought of the day

Why don't I just leave this alone?

The end is here

It looks so good

I taste the shit

I feel this dark mood

It covers me

It is so crude

It never leaves

It resides within me

Why don't I just leave this alone?

With every passing day the pain just grows

Holding onto everything

Holding onto the pain it brings

Why don't I just leave this alone?

My love for you

It felt so good

I need to leave this shit

I would if I could

It swallows me

Until I just sit and brood

It is never enough

It refuses to leave

Why don't I just leave this alone?

With every passing day the pain just grows

Holding onto everything

Holding onto the pain it brings

Why don't I just leave this alone?

I don't know what to do.

I am throwing in the towel. She said she misses talking to me everyday, thinks about me everyday, and is now ignoring me. She said I can talk to her anytime. I tried to tell her what I really meant 3 times, but it seems she took that quote, which unfortunately was open to various interpretations depending on how you look at it as an opportunity to cut me off again.

I am at a loss. I can't stop loving this girl, but I can't take these games, if that's what they are. I'm not accusing her of playing games. Maybe she really doesn't want to talk to me, but that is not what she had said just a few hours before this happened. Maybe it is a game, but if it is, I do not want to play. I want the love of my life back. That is all I want, and all I ever wanted.

The ball is in her court at this point, and in the meantime, I must throw in the towel regardless of how long it sits idle. Maybe it'll be forever, but I of course hope I am wrong about that.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do when she makes me sad."

Jenn, I didn't want you to stop responding.

I finally had some sort of dialogue going with Jenn. It wasn't going great, but it was a dialogue. And after maybe a dozen or so emails back and forth, I got paranoid that I was irritating her, so I said goodbye at the end of one of my emails. She responded back to that email, which I wasn't expecting because I felt certain that she just wanted me to stop. However, I couldn't help the urge to respond back to THAT email. So, I noted at the bottom of my response that I wasn't trying to be annoying by responding back after having just said goodbye in my last message. Stupidly, I also said that I wasn't expecting her to respond back after I said goodbye, and she apparently took it the wrong way as if I didn't want her to reply back anymore. All I meant was that was that while I didn't want to be annoying, I just can't help myself in replying to her, even if I had just previously said goodbye. I figured she wanted her response back at that point to be the end of the dialogue, and that by replying back yet again I was getting on her nerves. Perhaps I was wrong, and worrying about nothing. But she seems to of taken it the wrong way, and now isn't responding to me. I was just trying to be courteous and explain that I didn't want to annoy her by continuing on. Whenever she emails me, I can't not respond back. I just can't. Even if she says "take care" or "goodbye" at the end. I just can't help myself. I want to keep the dialogue going. I don't want it to end. When I said I didn't expect her to reply back and apologized for sending yet another email, that was all I meant. I didn't want her to stop.

Jenn if you read this, please understand that I didn't want to stop talking to you.

Song of the Day

I have so many feelings bottled up inside and have every desire to write an original piece but nothing that meets my personal standards come to mind right now. I will let Slipknot speak for me today.

Maze...psychopathic daze...I create this waste
Back away from tangents, on the verge of drastic
ways...can't escape this place...I deny your face
Sweat gets in my eyes, I think I'm slowly dying

Put me in a homemade cellar
Put me in a hole for shelter
Someone hear me please, all I see is hate
I can hardly breathe, and I can hardly take it

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'TGETOUT 

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'T

Lost...ran at my own cost...hearing laughter, scoffed
Learning from the rush, detached from such and such
Bleak...all around me, weak...listening, incomplete
I am not a dog, but I'm the one your dogging

I am in a buried kennel
I have never felt so final
Someone find me please, losing all reserve
I am fucking gone, I think I'm fucking dying

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'TGETOUT 

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'T
 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something in you I despise

Cut me - show me - enter - I am
willing and able and never any danger to myself
Knowledge in my pain, knowledge in my pain
Or was my tolerance a phase?
Empathy, out of my way
I can't die

I can't die

I can't die

I can't die

You all stare, but you'll never see

There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me 

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something in you I despise 

Despise..despise..despise

Purity..Purity

Purity..Purity

Purity..Purity

Purity..Purity

Why do I do these things?

Why do I set myself up for disappointment? I know where she stands. I haven't seen her face since August. I know I will never see her again. If she is reading this, I am sorry for sending the damn card e-card. I couldn't stop myself.