Purge

 To all I've known

I wish you well

I've let you down

I'm off to hell

 These unseemly thoughts

That fill my head

Let's drown them out

It'll stay this way

It's not a phase

These horrid visions

So palpable

To all I've known

I curse this spell

Escape the truth..escape the noose

A tear within a box of dreams

Leads to a life so beautiful

I've kept the hope and all it means

To lead a life so wonderful

A founded wish to watch it bleed

And wash away the terrible

 It's over now

No cause to wait

Everything is now disposable 

To this whole world

I wish you well

Can't change these facts

Or un-ring this bell

 These voices now

That fill my head

Let's drown them out

It's the way it is

Please not like this

Just take me home

I wanna go

To this whole world

It's all dispelled

I'm blaming you..blame all of you

A tear within a box of dreams

Leads to a life so beautiful

I've kept the hope and all it means

To lead a life so wonderful

A founded wish to watch it bleed

And wash away the terrible

 It's over now

No cause to wait

Everything is now disposable

I wish you well..I curse this spell

I wish you well..it's all dispelled

To all I've known

I wish you well

Please never show the cards you're dealt

This world so cruel and full of spite

I've drowned it out

I've begged for change

But it's too late

I've seen what's next

So palpable

To this whole world

Just go to hell

I'm purged of you..of all of you

A tear within a box of dreams

Leads to a life so beautiful

I've kept the hope and all it means

To lead a life so wonderful

A founded wish to watch it bleed

And wash away the terrible

 It's over now

No cause to wait

Everything is now disposable

To all so cursed and disposable

Please take your leave of me

To all so cursed and disposable

Please take your leave of me

To all so cursed and disposable

Please take your leave of me

To all so cursed and disposable
Know it's not you, it's me

Not feeling too great and trying to be my own therapist

     I am so tired of being in this slump. I am so tired of all these unwelcome thoughts barging into the forefront of my mind. I am so tired of my shitty "friends" here and abroad. I am so tired of being ignored by them, and also by my extended family, particularly on my dad's side. All of them are so fucked up in the head that I seem pretty normal by comparison. I have nothing but bad memories associated with all of them.

     When my dad died, that was the icing on the fucking cake. The drama, the complaints about where we buried him from all of them. I was nice enough to wish my cousin Jamie a happy birthday on Facebook, and she liked all of her birthday wishes but mine. If that's not a giant fuck you, I don't know what is. She even liked the birthday wish she got from our Aunt Lisa, who we both despised greatly growing up. Why must I have such a shitty fucking family, and such shitty friends to go along with it? I'm starting to remember why I deleted Facebook in the first fucking place. At least I can take solace in the fact that my sister doesn't get along with any of them either. In that way, I am not alone.

     But unfortunately I care about it to an extent and she couldn't give a shit less, and I'd give anything to hone that skill. It would make life so much fucking easier. I was never good at picking out friends, never had a good judgement of character. Not to mention, I always  wanted to be liked and accepted by everyone, and would basically do anything to be. I really, really, truly need to stop fucking caring. Fuck them all. And while I am at it, a few specific shout outs: Fuck Medi-Pharmaceutical. Fuck Mallory. Fuck Tristin. Fuck Carol. Fuck Daniel. Fuck Dustin. Fuck Jamie. Fuck Lisa. Fuck Richie. Fuck Sue. Fuck Lenny. Fuck them all. I am done caring. I am done dwelling. I am done with it and I am done with them all. If you don't like me, if you don't care about me, despite all lacking of ill will and despite all well wishes I have bestowed upon you, I don't fucking need you, and it's no skin off my ass. Just fuck off and stay fucked off.

     2016 is the year of rebuilding my self-confidence, rebuilding my self-esteem and making different choices based on all I have learned from my many past mistakes, socially, professionally and otherwise. It is going to be a much better year because I am going to make it a better year. For me, for Jenn, for my immediate family, and anyone who wishes to be a part of my life if they choose to be. Again, if they don't want to be part of my life, that's fine.

Like I said before, just fuck off then.

Type O

Nothing like Type O Negative from the crack of dawn to really get into the Christmas spirit. Just reminds me of my signed CD case minus a CD, how great things used to be when I was younger, and how alone I feel now. Despite the encompassing melancholy, I think I will leave the tunes on. I find an odd comfort in the familiar and the gothic.

I get it

I knew it on that dark night

The second your face lit up from the dome light

A girl who had all her ducks in a row

About to meet the epitome of everything that's wrong

When the world let me in, I had the best intentions

When the world gave me life and ability I oppressed it

I chose to take my brain cells and use 'em for SHIIIIIIIIIT!

Use them for shit

I knew it on that dark night

When again your face lit up in the sports bar lights

A girl happy, content with nothing but smarts that shined bright

Buying fucking beers for a sack of human garbage

When the world let me in, I had the best of intentions

To change the world, take all the pain and erase it

But instead I learned about drugs and decided 'fuck it'

I used up my motivation, inspiration, dedication and submerged it in SHIIIIIIIIT!

In shiiiiit!

Yeah, I am in love with a girl who's smarter than me and

I would give anything for this amazing girl who's out of my league and

I'd give anything to one day make this girl proud of me and

Oh, won't that day ever fucking come?

I knew it on that dark night

The second your face lit up from the dome light

A girl who had all her ducks in a row

About to meet the epitome of everything that's wrong

Oh, I knew it on that dark night

When again your face lit up in the sports bar lights

A girl happy, content with nothing but with such smarts that shine bright

Buying fucking beers for a man who has nothing but dreams for more than something

Believe me, please!

Believe me, please! Yeah, baby please!

Believe me, baby, believe me, baby!

Please, please please!

Yes!

Please, please please...

I knew it on that dark night

The second your face lit up from the dome light

A girl who had all her ducks in a row

About to meet the epitome of everything that's wrong

I knew it on that dark night

Your face dimmed by the dark against the domelight

Your scent welcoming with your eyes so dazzling

I knew I had to have you.

And I get it. I get it.

Some say I'm not the best one,

Some say I'm the worst one

For me you are the only one

And I have not given up

I love you, baby

Writting through falling and sobbing tears

You picked me up, and showed me around a world, a place I'd later learn was foul

Now you're nowhere to be found

A hole so far deep and filled 

In these days I feel I need you most

You just rot and decay

You left me here to stay

And these feelings won't go away!

Now I know what to expect in these changing times

Stuck here without a paddle navigating blind 

Wish so badly you were still here to see

To at least take some of the pressure off of me

The place I was born is only getting worse

And like a child I wish I had your hand to hold

What's done cannot be undone

Just suck it up and move the fuck on

You were there to show me a side so innocent, so fun, full of joy, but now

Now you're nowhere to be found

Buried in a hole 2,500 miles away

And in these days I feel most afraid

You just rot and decay

You left me here to stay

These awful feelings refuse to go away!

Now I know what to expect in these changing times

Stuck here without a paddle navigating blind 

Wish so badly you were still here to see

To at least take some of the pressure off of me

The place I was born is only getting worse

And like a child I wish I had your hand to hold

What's done cannot be undone

Just suck it up and move the fuck on

As I ponder my own life, what is it I want from this?

Can any good ever come from this?

As I try and find my place in space, will an answer ever come?

Or are the best days over and done?

Now I know what to expect in these changing times

Stuck here without a paddle navigating blind 

Wish so badly you were still here to see

To at least take some of the pressure off of me

The place I was born is only getting worse

And like a child I wish I had your hand to hold

What's done cannot be undone

Just suck it up and move the fuck on

The Pit

Holding my breath and my face is turning blue

Better to die alone than die here next to you

Vision's becoming blurred and fogged

At least I can't focus on all the bad I've done

In a world so disheveled, without a single answer

Take me back from whence I came!

I see what's not

And I know the not

Swallowed up by a lifetime of lies

Now these days I never dream

Bothered by what all this means

Addicted and yearning for all I despise

Stuck in this pit I scream and I squirm

Waiting for the gas to spark and to burn

Disillusioned and miserable, aren't we all?

Only I'm not afraid to show my feelings anymore

Throat is closing up and airway is clogged

Unable to confess to all the horrible shit I've done 

In a world so disheveled, without a single answer

Take me back from whence I came!

I see what's not

And I know the not

Swallowed up by a lifetime of lies

Now these days I never dream

Bothered by what all this means

Addicted and yearning for all I despise

Stuck in this pit I scream and I squirm

Waiting for the gas to spark and to burn

I see what's not

And I know the not

Swallowed up by a lifetime of lies

Now these days I never dream

Bothered by what all this means

Addicted and yearning for all I despise

Stuck in this pit I scream and I squirm

Waiting for the gas to spark and to burn

 

Never Again

I hate that side of myself. What was I thinking for all these years? How in the fuck was I ever able to look myself in the mirror? She is it. All I want. Now. Until the end of time. Until the Earth stops turning.

Just once..

Just once, I would like to have an actual good day at work.

Just once, I would like something to work out the way I planned.

Just once, I would like to feel like the weight of the world is not on my shoulders.

Just once, I would like to feel like everything is okay.