Why is change so hard?

It is time to stop all this directionless nonsense. I need to find a way to ease this anxiety and this stress. I know as much as I ever will that I want this no more. I and it's time to take control. I can't sit back and expect it all to work itself out. Even if there's a slice of pie in the future that waits, it can't change what I face today.

It is time to stop all this relapse. It's my time to do something for me. It won't be convenient. But it will help to turn shit around. I need strength and I need it right now. I need confidence, need to get rid of this smell of shame and worthlessness. I need to stop caring what others think and whether their stake in my life blossoms or fades. Can't let this shit mean anything.

It is time to find out my reasons. I need to find a way out of this cell. My life is such a shit storm. I need a place that I can call my own. I need to find the light. I need to find the way to enjoy life. I need to find my calling. Right now. This shit has to end right now. I need to get the fuck out of here right now. Spare me from this un-pleasantry right now.

If I can't get what I want from this life, I'd rather be dead.

My Saddest Song (We were children, we were a family, now we're just a memory)

The sandbox with a pale and shovel

Little children laugh and play

The jungle gym sits aside

Little children smile and play

Parents sit and watch as their offspring enjoy their bliss

Not yet aware of what awaits

The sandbox encrusted with filth

No more children sit and play

The young years turn to adolescence

Shovels and pales turn to pills and needles

Parents become self absorbed in their own shit

Not caring what is happening..or what awaits

Mom please!! I really need you!!

Dad's dead and he can't hear me!!

Grandmas gone!! She can't listen!!

Mother why don't you love me?!

You really think I deserve this?!

Open your heart!! Your son here needs you!!

You know I've always loved you!!

The punishment don't fit the crime here!!

We used to play sober games

We used to ride our bicycles

We used to play kickball

We used to climb trees and scrape our knees

We used to go trail riding just for the thrill

But now that's all gone

Those people moved on

And I feel so alone

And all I have left is the urge to die

Mom please!! I really need you!!

Dad's dead and he can't hear me!!

Grandmas gone!! She can't listen!!

Mother why don't you love me?!

You really think I deserve this?!

Open your heart!! Your son here needs you!!

You know I've always loved you!!

The punishment don't fit the crime, how could you?!

Broken swings with rusty chains to this

Blood trails in the sand as tumbleweeds blow on by

No laughter to hear way out here

This used to be my playground

Mother would watch me as a child

I was surrounded by family that said they loved me

Now all their efforts go towards avoiding me!!

It didn't have to be this way

We could of stayed a family

We could of had what so many others have and dream of

Now I am just this filthy fucking mess

I don't know if I'll ever get back to that place

The one that now seems erased

I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm hunting for

Is it time to give up and say so long to this place..?

Mom please!! I really need you!!

Dad's dead and he can't hear me!!

Grandmas gone!! She can't listen!!

Mother why don't you love me?!

You really think I deserve this?!

Open your heart!! Your son here needs you!!

You know I've always loved you!!

The punishment don't fit the crime, how could you?!

Mom please, I've had enough now!!

Dad please, save my soul now!!

Grandma WHHHHHHY can't you stop this?!?!?

I've always loved everybody!!!

I can't take this shit a minute longer!!!

People seem to laugh at all my misery!!!

Finding my torment quite amusing!!!

Where the fuuuuuck did I go so wrong?!

...whimpers...

..Everyone who loves me dies..

..Everyone who's encouraged me has died..

..I think I'm ready to meet them on the other side..

...

What did I do to myself? Is this really my life?

Head underwater, paddling and kicking does nothing

I kissed the good life goodbye and traded it for this

 

I'm so lonesome in spite of all that remains around

I feel like my body is buried underground

My heart just aches at the sight of what remains

How many different ways can I beg for my old life back?

Why does everyday just get harder? Who have I hurt so bad?

Full of lies, misguided, hoping and wishing for something

I kissed my mother goodbye to say hi to the devil

I'm so lonesome in spite of all that remains around

I feel like my body is buried underground

My heart just aches at the sight of what remains

How many different ways can I beg for my old life back?

Every time I wake up, open my eyes, speak a breath another piece breaks off

If I had the key to that shed...had one chance to grab that gun

One bullet to the head...peace of mind, I'm gone!!!

I'm so lonesome in spite of all that remains around

I feel like my body is buried underground

My heart just aches at the sight of what remains

How many different ways can I beg for my old life back?

J.B.

You were in my dream last night..
And I really don't know where it came from
All I know is it must mean something
Girl, you were in my dream last night

Everything about it felt so real
I can't describe the chills that it made me feel
And now I want you so bad, I'm willing to steal
Girl, you were in my dream last night

That single kiss we shared
All those years back buried in the sand
Those young feelings we had
The time we shared that I did not forget

I just can't seem to get you off my mind
To try rid myself of this desire would be a crime
I have strong desire and I want to make you mine
Girl, you were in my mother fucking dream last night!!

I know my life was meant for more than this
This nightmare needs to be destroyed and
I miss you so much I just can't ignore it and
There's a reason you were in my dream last night!!

That single kiss we shared
All those years back buried in the sand
Those young feelings we had
The time we shared that I did not forget

This feeling has to be real
I can't rid myself of all this temptation I feel
I want so bad to see your face now
Please be mine, right here, right now!

Girl, you were in my dream last night

The Passing Way

Inherent to what I hate in you
The scarring sun, it has me spun

I am disgraced to what I am
And I'm disgraced at what's to come

There's no where left to run
One bullet in this gun
We beg, we cry, we scream his name
The silence never goes away

And I am disgraced by all I've done
And I'm so disgraced, that I can't turn back

I try but can't prevail, they hate me
Close minds, unopened arms surround

I can't hide

I feel disgraced, the mirror haunts
I feel disgraced, no love out there for me

Parasite

Lost in the flood

I glare at you

The shoe has never fit

So let it go

Preying and calling 

Trying but failing

 No more

Your grief is my fault

The song that's playing will rid us of

All these faces that have tried to change us

Let me inside

Pick another soul

To terrorize

I will never win

So let it go

Preying and calling

Trying but failing

Again

Your grief is my fault

The song that's playing will rid us of

All these faces that have tried to change us

Let me inside

Let me inside

Hoping this time

You'll let me inside

Hoping this time

The parasite just dies!

We Are All Alone

We are all alone..we are all alone
This world you think you know
Keeps its curtain low
If you pretend you understand
The entity will set demands

We are all alone..we are all alone
You've never been that wise
You've never been despised
The truth that hurts so bad
Is the only medicine they had

We are all alone..

I'm a soulless drone..I'm a soulless drone
No need here for a phone
I've always been alone
If you take a peek inside
You'll see everything disliked

There is no such thing as love
No, there's no such thing as love
Heaven up above..a lie, a cover-up
The pain that heals the real
Has always been out to cheat and steal

Your destiny awaits..your destiny awaits
Have and eat your cake
Solace on the lake
The enemies of state will never unlearn their hate
 

You are all alone
I am all alone
We are all alone