Heartache Continuum

I have been up since 2:30am. It silence is deafening. The anxiety is maddening. The phone hasn't rung. No messages have been received. Somehow I don't think I'm going to be hearing from her again. I think I have disappointed her for the last time despite how hard I was trying to do just the opposite. I'm crawling in my skin in the worst way wishing I could fix this right fucking now. I am better than this. This is not who I am. It's not fair. I have been trying so hard.

Thank you, Nick Elliott for helping to nudge the one valuable part of my life that I had left over the fucking cliff.

I love you, Jenn. I miss you so much.

Senseless Weather (Inside and Out)

The soil outside is growing putrid and lies in waste

The sky above is growing dark in rings and shades of gray

The rain falls so hard outside that I cannot even think

This head of mine is such a dangerous place

 

I once knew who I was in a time so long ago

I once knew who my friends were but now I do not know

I am the CEO of a place where no one goes

I am the owner and the proprietor of this

EVER..EXPANDING..SHIT..HOLE 

 

I tried and tried to set it straight

But the harder that I try the more that negates

I tried this time to live a life of truth

And it seems this time that God burned all the clues

I tried and tried to be my best for you

The best for me, my family for your world too

I tried this time to know for sure

But the answers all remain behind several locked doors

 

The fire burnt out releasing a puff of smoke

The chimney seems clogged as I fall over and choke

Slowly, surely the air begins to clear

But still I'm all alone and worse, I'm still locked in here

 

What I would give to be somebody else

What I would give to know some other kind of stress

I am the CEO of a place where no one goes

I am the proud prisoner and proprietor of this

FUCKING..SHIT..HOLE!

 

 

 

I Suck At Everything

I suck at everything

I’m a piece of shit

I suck at everything

I fucking quit

I suck at everything

I hate the world

I suck at everything

I’m a sissy fucking girl

I suck at everything

I suck at life, I hate you all, you make me sick

Leave this place right away, or I’ll bite off your dick

I live my days decomposing in your grandma’s cunt

If you need me to, I’d be glad to be more blunt

I suck at everything

This world is not meant for me

I suck at everything

The anger clings like shit onto me

I suck at everything

You can never understand me

I’ve fucking had it

You will die before me

I suck at life, I will no longer be made a fool

I refuse to try again, just for you to watch me lose

I carry a curse that won’t wear thin

Only your pain can make me grin

I suck at everything

I’m the brunt of your joke

I suck at everything

I’m gonna watch as you choke

I suck at everything

This is how it always will be

So fucking fed up

This is not how it should be

I tried so hard

This is why it pains me

Keep getting up

This is why it infuriates me

You knock me down again

That is why I’m angry

You never lose

That is why you’re dying

Right now, here in front of me

I hear you scream

This is so relaxing

The soothing sounds

Of your life so slowly ending

Begging In The Street

I am naked in the bloody pool

I am dirty in the street

I am hungry and so thirsty

Crying and so very lonely

I have found my mother's doorstep

Begging pretty, pretty please

I want so much what no one will give me

Slame the door in my musky face

This is not what I fuckin' planned for

Bring me back to the drawing board

This is not what I planned to happen

Lay down to die on my mother's floor

I am left for dead begging, dying in the street

Surrounded my the very dirt I swore to never meet

I am left for dead begging, dying in the street

Let everyone down, giving in, admitting my own defeat

Everyone good and bad I've ever known

Turned their back on me in a fit of disgust

Good for them if I do say so myself

For I know I would of done the same

All out of chances, the game is over now

Let me spin the wheel just one more time

Nothing to win, nothing left to lose

Fell through the fox hole all over again

This is not what I fuckin' planned for

Help come out of this a fuckin' champ

This is not what I fuckin' planned to happen

No genie swimmin' out of my rusty lamp

I am left for dead begging, dying in the street

Surrounded my the very dirt I swore to never meet

I am left for dead begging, dying in the street

Let everyone down, giving in, admitting my own defeat

All alone - it hurts so much

Hated - despised - it hurts so much

Ignored - it hurts so much

All alone - it hurts so much

My life hurts me so much

The Passing Way

Inherent to what I hate in you
The scarring sun, it has me spun

I am disgraced to what I am
And I'm disgraced at what's to come

There's no where left to run
One bullet in this gun
We beg, we cry, we scream his name
The silence never goes away

And I am disgraced by all I've done
And I'm so disgraced, that I can't turn back

I try but can't prevail, they hate me
Close minds, unopened arms surround

I can't hide

I feel disgraced, the mirror haunts
I feel disgraced, no love out there for me

We Are All Alone

We are all alone..we are all alone
This world you think you know
Keeps its curtain low
If you pretend you understand
The entity will set demands

We are all alone..we are all alone
You've never been that wise
You've never been despised
The truth that hurts so bad
Is the only medicine they had

We are all alone..

I'm a soulless drone..I'm a soulless drone
No need here for a phone
I've always been alone
If you take a peek inside
You'll see everything disliked

There is no such thing as love
No, there's no such thing as love
Heaven up above..a lie, a cover-up
The pain that heals the real
Has always been out to cheat and steal

Your destiny awaits..your destiny awaits
Have and eat your cake
Solace on the lake
The enemies of state will never unlearn their hate
 

You are all alone
I am all alone
We are all alone