Heart breaking again

I wanted Jenn to have a good time at DragonCon and still do. I understand this is something she has been looking forward to for at least ten years, I knew she was meeting a friend there, that she would be busy and not really have time to talk.

But I did not see this coming. Why is she ignoring me? Why did she remove me on Facebook and block me on kik? What could I have possibly done to her now? I am 100% devoted to this girl. She is all I want. My heart is aching and I want to understand what is happening. I love her to no end and this is killing me yet again.

I am far from perfect, but I don't deserve this.

Dear World that is Trying to Break My Spirit

Congratulations. You've won. Yes, you are reading that right. You've officially broken my fragile fucking spirit. I basically don't give a good god damn about much of anything anymore. I busted my ass applying for jobs for 9 months. I busted my ass through the temp agency's bullshit drawn-out application and hiring processes, I busted my ass through the incoherent training that I received, and of course I busted my ass for the past 2 weeks to do everything right with this job. And what do I have to show for it?  Ongoing scrutiny from management as they nitpick their way through the most petty of bullshit via continuous emails that make me want to get up and walk out of here. And then they give us this "final exam" 3 weeks in, rather than at the end of the first week which would've actually made sense (god forbid). And then the fucking evil cunt that runs this strip mall call center does even more nitpicking as she grades my exam, doing everything she can to not give me a passing grade, doing everything she can to break my spirit and reiterate my position in this call center and in this world. A passing grade is at least an 80% and she made sure that I got a 79. She took half points off on two open ended questions where my answers were correct, but apparently not what she was looking for and marked me off on several other questions that were horribly worded unclear and ridiculously petty to begin with. An example of one: "Why would someone want to enroll in a health plan?" Again, my answer was correct, but not the ONE answer she was looking for.

I am forever doomed to stay with my servant status in this horribly damaged world where the American dream has become a pipe dream. You either have to create the next app for the braindead populous or win the lottery to make it in the world I've inherited. And I get to take this stupid fucking exam again next week and pass it if I want to continue making my fancy 10 dollars an hour.

Fuck this world. Fuck Maximus. And fuck their stupid test. All I ever get for my hard work is disappointment. I give up.

Sick of this stagnance

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have so many goals, so many talents I want to embrace, build upon, improve upon and learn. And what do I do? I sit around all mother fucking day and night. I may sit and fill out job applications several times a week, but so the fuck what? That doesn't make me proud, it doesn't make me feel accomplished, and it doesn't make me feel justified. And that's not even what I want. I do not want to beg for a bullshit hourly job working for a billion dollar corporation and be a slave for pennies on the dollar like the rest of the cattle out there. I want to be an individual, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to use the talents I already know I have and explore uncharted areas of my own creativity that I do not even know about yet. I want to draw, I want to write and I want to make music like I used to with friends in high school. I want to learn the piano. I want to read all these books I haven't finished, I want to study new things. I want to get in shape, shed these unsightly pounds and feel healthy again. I feel so stuck, that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I feel trapped by my own discouragement, my own anxiety, my own depression, my own disillusion, remaining unmotivated. I am in my second year on disability, I have been hospitalized three times just since coming back to Florida last year. I am obviously not well, and on disability for a reason. But I do not want things to stay this way. My little sister, my baby sister is now a fucking high school teacher who is lives in New York City making a lot of money. She'll make even more money within a few years, and have a promising long term career with perks, benefits and a pension. What the fuck have I accomplished? Not a god damn thing, and I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Somebody get me into action because I obviously can't do it myself. I'm a train wreck of a human being. Damaged goods beyond repair.

In the end, all I can say is that maybe this week will be different. My girlfriend is coming over this weekend, and this week I can try again. But I am almost certainly going to remain stagnant, bedridden, unmotivated, and make excuses for myself not to do anything.

I am scared of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. Everything is my own fault. What will it take to change things?