Haunting Past

There are so many memories I wish I could just erase from my mind, that I can't imagine having to carry around and remember for the rest of my life, that I don't want to spend my final hours recalling and dwelling on. It pains me. The shame, the embarrassment, the regret, the sorrow. What the fuck is wrong with me? The horrible decisions I have made that I cannot understand for the fucking life of me today what my fucking thought process was that allowed me to make them in the first place. I sit here alone in this fucking room and reflect, unable to get these thoughts out of my head, unable to escape them. I just continue to torture myself, and I see no end in sight.

Sick of this stagnance

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have so many goals, so many talents I want to embrace, build upon, improve upon and learn. And what do I do? I sit around all mother fucking day and night. I may sit and fill out job applications several times a week, but so the fuck what? That doesn't make me proud, it doesn't make me feel accomplished, and it doesn't make me feel justified. And that's not even what I want. I do not want to beg for a bullshit hourly job working for a billion dollar corporation and be a slave for pennies on the dollar like the rest of the cattle out there. I want to be an individual, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to use the talents I already know I have and explore uncharted areas of my own creativity that I do not even know about yet. I want to draw, I want to write and I want to make music like I used to with friends in high school. I want to learn the piano. I want to read all these books I haven't finished, I want to study new things. I want to get in shape, shed these unsightly pounds and feel healthy again. I feel so stuck, that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I feel trapped by my own discouragement, my own anxiety, my own depression, my own disillusion, remaining unmotivated. I am in my second year on disability, I have been hospitalized three times just since coming back to Florida last year. I am obviously not well, and on disability for a reason. But I do not want things to stay this way. My little sister, my baby sister is now a fucking high school teacher who is lives in New York City making a lot of money. She'll make even more money within a few years, and have a promising long term career with perks, benefits and a pension. What the fuck have I accomplished? Not a god damn thing, and I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Somebody get me into action because I obviously can't do it myself. I'm a train wreck of a human being. Damaged goods beyond repair.

In the end, all I can say is that maybe this week will be different. My girlfriend is coming over this weekend, and this week I can try again. But I am almost certainly going to remain stagnant, bedridden, unmotivated, and make excuses for myself not to do anything.

I am scared of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. Everything is my own fault. What will it take to change things?

Closing the Door

The cold and cracking surface splinters
The cool air dances free
The inevitable unfolds before us


So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, there is no cure!!

The scolding heat that hides beneath
The plants and trees
The yearning that unfolding inside all of us

So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, there is no cure!!


The poison that sickens
It dwindles, it thickens
The curses, the hatred
It haunts me!

So tell me
Is there someway out of this?
Internal torment, only laments
Pains so deep-seeded, can't take no more!

Shutting my eyes and closing the door.

I Suck At Everything

I suck at everything

I’m a piece of shit

I suck at everything

I fucking quit

I suck at everything

I hate the world

I suck at everything

I’m a sissy fucking girl

I suck at everything

I suck at life, I hate you all, you make me sick

Leave this place right away, or I’ll bite off your dick

I live my days decomposing in your grandma’s cunt

If you need me to, I’d be glad to be more blunt

I suck at everything

This world is not meant for me

I suck at everything

The anger clings like shit onto me

I suck at everything

You can never understand me

I’ve fucking had it

You will die before me

I suck at life, I will no longer be made a fool

I refuse to try again, just for you to watch me lose

I carry a curse that won’t wear thin

Only your pain can make me grin

I suck at everything

I’m the brunt of your joke

I suck at everything

I’m gonna watch as you choke

I suck at everything

This is how it always will be

So fucking fed up

This is not how it should be

I tried so hard

This is why it pains me

Keep getting up

This is why it infuriates me

You knock me down again

That is why I’m angry

You never lose

That is why you’re dying

Right now, here in front of me

I hear you scream

This is so relaxing

The soothing sounds

Of your life so slowly ending

GOALS

Goals for this coming week:

1) Apply for work (several different jobs)

2) Use rowing machine and get a real routine started

3) Continue reading "11/22/63" by Stephen King

4) Work on writing

5) Work on drawing

6) Study odds for lottery and Kentucky Derby

i have been in a serious rut for what feels like an eternity now, and my depression is worsening. As my inactivity and laziness makes me feel more and more worthless, I realize only I can change my situation. If I do just a little bit of all these things a little bit each day, and a little more and more each day as time goes on, I will feel gratified with myself, I will feel productive, and it will become normal. I must do this, and I must do it this week. And I will. 

No more laying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. 

For You

We've touched on the feelings

But not on the reasons

When it comes to my fall

I'll reveal my all

You take me to that place

I always believed was a LIE

Smoke's still settling

Not used to believing

And knowing I'm not dreaming

Because you are my world

For you, I'd fall on my sword

The darkest of my secrets

Uncloaked while my soul is in audit

Leaving myself disarmed

I urge you to climb into my arms

Years of searching empty space

I've waited for you all my LIFE

No longer pretending

And finally breathing

No longer veiling

Because you are my world

For you I'd fall on my sword

I never thought,,I  would share this amour

And I never thought,,the sun could rise once more!

Never believed in sequels

And up to now in equals

Disillusionment met its match

For you, I'd kill or die

For this first time there is nothing

In this world I wouldn't fuckin' TRY

To keep you for all time

Until I die

Until I die

Until I am dying

To keep you for all time.

Gloom Room

Sweating all night long
Singing this song
Haunted by all those awful things that I've done

Flipping through all those pages of memories I hate
A new life, a new lie that I yearn to create
Hated by all, including myself
I'm ripping out my eyeballs to throw on the shelf
I've accpted my fate, aware of the sorrow to come
Resigned to my gloom room, so tired and done

The battle has ended
My causes are dead
The war is still going on, but only inside of my head

There's a path that I've followed, it's led me this way
To a place so cold and lonely where the skies are all grey
Hated by all, this treacherous soul
Despair and animosity only continues to grow
I've accepted my fate, aware of the demise to come
Resigned to my death bed, where the reaper has fun

The clouds move in wrap themselves around me, begging me not to fight
A silent darkness moves in dominating and replacing any sound or light
The reaper man is always waiting..