Missed.

Come one, come all

You're invited to the party

But please don't shove

Let everyone bare witness

The warrant's signed and the ending looms

Come one, come all

The spectacle's just starting

With zero shits given

I'm watching my own ending

It feels so freeing to watch it all crash and burn

Is it over yet? 

Can I wake up yet?

I payed all my debts

Left with countless regrets 

Come one, come all

Relish in all of my failures 

The glowing girl you knew

Has broken down into nothing

As you are so was I--but that bridge has burned

Is it over yet? 

Is this over yet? 

There is nothing left

Except regrets

A happy girl once was here

I miss myself. I miss myself.

There was so much more to do

I miss myself. I miss myself.

Must it end this way? 

I miss myself. I miss myself.

I was almost there

I miss myself. I miss myself!!

New and Improved

Hi, I'm the new Rachel. New and improved. I'll be taking over from here.

My New Beginning

I'm ready now. I want to be Rachel again. 

heh.

Wow, I fucked up already. How typical. Let's try again. 

The new new me..

Today I stop. Today a new chapter in Rachel's story begins. I will no longer do the bad thing. As of now, it is officially behind me. No excuses, no fall backs. It stops now--the goodness and the healing begins now. 

Sepsis

I've stopped breathing

My time is fleeting

I've grown so weak

I can barely speak

I tried my best and I gave it all

But pride always goes first right first before the fall

So there's nothing more for me to believe

Torture inherently and deceitfully received

Time when pressed just causes distress

I'm turning off all the lights this time

Fuckin' blank canvas wishing to become nothing

It pushes back with each brushstroke wanting bad for me to choke

No hope and I'm done

Nothing left for you to do but face toward the sun and run

All I've done I've lived to regret

And this it

So how the fuck am I not dead yet?

Vomit-inducing as the sounds remind

I'm turning off all the fuckin' lights this time

No!

Nothing more for me--turn off the lights this time

Nothing more for me--turn off the lights this time

Nothing more for me--turn off the lights this time

Nothing more for me--turn off the lights this time

I've stopped breathing

My time is fleeting

I've grown so weak

I can barely speak

I tried my best and I gave it all

But I can't do it no more

Because I have nothing in store

The hour is late when you hear all the screaming

A blessing of sepsis to remove the demeaning

Why am I here?

It was never clear

Bet your fuckin' ass I'm turning off the lights this time

Fuckless

Yes, I'm that cunt that whines and whines
Bitches that she's fat before she even dines
Grew up sheltered by garbled nerves

Yes, I am prone to these fits of rage
Cursed before I even knew my age
Sleepless and clawing at the walls all night

I no longer give a fuck
I'm driving off the cliff
And I have no desire to say goodbye so fuck it

Yes, I'm that girl you avoid in school
And I am the result of obeying rules
And if I could do it over I'd just whine

Yes, I know there's no hope for me
And I don't care enough to beg or plead
I have no fucks left to give away

I no longer give a fuck
I'm driving off the cliff
And I have no desire to say goodbye so fuck it

I no longer give a fuck
I'm driving off the cliff
And I have no desire to say goodbye so fuck it

Fuckless

I no longer give a fuck
I'm driving off the cliff
And I have no desire to say goodbye so fuck it

I no longer give a fuck
I'm driving off the cliff
And I have no desire to say goodbye so fuck it

Fuckless

Purge

 To all I've known

I wish you well

I've let you down

I'm off to hell

 These unseemly thoughts

That fill my head

Let's drown them out

It'll stay this way

It's not a phase

These horrid visions

So palpable

To all I've known

I curse this spell

Escape the truth..escape the noose

A tear within a box of dreams

Leads to a life so beautiful

I've kept the hope and all it means

To lead a life so wonderful

A founded wish to watch it bleed

And wash away the terrible

 It's over now

No cause to wait

Everything is now disposable 

To this whole world

I wish you well

Can't change these facts

Or un-ring this bell

 These voices now

That fill my head

Let's drown them out

It's the way it is

Please not like this

Just take me home

I wanna go

To this whole world

It's all dispelled

I'm blaming you..blame all of you

A tear within a box of dreams

Leads to a life so beautiful

I've kept the hope and all it means

To lead a life so wonderful

A founded wish to watch it bleed

And wash away the terrible

 It's over now

No cause to wait

Everything is now disposable

I wish you well..I curse this spell

I wish you well..it's all dispelled

To all I've known

I wish you well

Please never show the cards you're dealt

This world so cruel and full of spite

I've drowned it out

I've begged for change

But it's too late

I've seen what's next

So palpable

To this whole world

Just go to hell

I'm purged of you..of all of you

A tear within a box of dreams

Leads to a life so beautiful

I've kept the hope and all it means

To lead a life so wonderful

A founded wish to watch it bleed

And wash away the terrible

 It's over now

No cause to wait

Everything is now disposable

To all so cursed and disposable

Please take your leave of me

To all so cursed and disposable

Please take your leave of me

To all so cursed and disposable

Please take your leave of me

To all so cursed and disposable
Know it's not you, it's me

Phoenix

Rising up
Out from these ashes
I've rid myself
Of all that's worthless

When I was there
It felt like nothing
Bring it all back
I wanna feel something
I don't even know
Why I was ever hiding
I no longer fear--I'll always remember

In the clouds
My head is swimming
Hold me down
I think I'm drifting

Desolate, empty and I'll never know
I never was nor will be shown
Gone just like after the wind has blown
You can't take away who I am now
There's nothing you can do about
Something for which I have no doubt

It always hurt more
Back when they deprived me
I'm still fuckin' here
You know you can't stop me
I'm taking what's mine
Whether or not you'll allow me
I no longer fear--I'll always remember

No need to ask
I know what my name is
No need to cry
I know that you're shameless
No need to act
I know that you're spineless
I no longer fear--I'll always remember

This is the end
This is the end
This is the end
The end of pretend..

It always hurt more
Back when they deprived me
I'm still fuckin' here
You know you can't stop me
I'm taking what's mine
Whether or not you'll allow me
I no longer fear--I'll always remember

No need to ask
I know what my name is
No need to cry
I know that you're shameless
No need to act
I know that you're spineless
I no longer fear--I'll always remember

I no longer fear--I'll always remember..

Cast Away

Do you hate the way it tastes?
Do you hate the way it feels?
Brought upon myself this time
Only the weakest minds resign

Hard to believe that I once cared
Barren of all but these lifeless stares
Burnt down, ashed up and then blown all away

I'd beg for mercy
But there's no one to give it away
I've squandered my time
Just to wind up here

Strayed
There's no time
There's nothing left
I need more
Time. Time. Time.

Sold my soul to uncover the facts
Regretted it quick and I begged for it back
A fool I am and always was in so many ways

This insidious spiral
I threw my chance away
It's spelt out right here
I've walked the plank

Strayed
There's no time
There's nothing left
I need more
Time. Time. Time.

Strayed
There's no time
There's nothing left
I need more
Time. Time. Time. Time.

I need more
Time. Time. Time.

(I've fallen)

Astray!
I'm out of time
They took what's left
I need more
Time. Time. Time. Time. Time

Time. Time. Time. Time. Time

Why?! Why?! Why?!

Embittered

How is it I ever gave a fuck?
Burn it all down, burn it all down now
How is it I ever opened this book?
Fuck it all up, fuck it all up now
Why would I even attempt this?
Burnt to the ground, burnt to the ground now
I can't change the ending
So I'm walking away, walking away now!

This is the track that runs out of road
This is the path where you're always alone

Spare me!
I gave it my all and--
This dream!
Is falling apart and--
My fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

What the fuck was I thinking?
Erase all I've done, erase all I've done now
I know I'll never be happy
Knocked on the ground, knocked on the ground now
I live where it's always raining
Drown in these thoughts, drown in these thoughts now
There's no hope worth keeping
Thrown in the trash, just let it rot now!

This is the track that runs out of road
This is the path where you're always alone

Spare me!
I gave it my all and--
This dream!
Is falling apart and--
My fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

Barren and devoid of life
Bittersweet goodbyes
God can't save me!

In a world that's filled with hatred
Inadvertently gaining momentum
This demise so undesired
Can't recall what I ever admired
How dare I have aspirations
Dare I ask to be considered
This uncomfortably comfortable darkness
Flowing tears lead me to jagged cliffs!

Let me jump, let me jump
Let me fall, let me fall
Let me go right now!

Spare me!
I gave it my all and--
This dream!
Is falling apart and--
My fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

Spare me!
I gave this my all and--
My dreams!
Are falling apart and--
My worst fears!
Are coming to get me--
I know!
There's no happy ending!

Scrupulous

One more time I wither alone
These solemn groans
Of which no one knows
My will to persist is running so thin
Wave a flag, just fuckin' let me win

These cards - that I hold
Reappeared - ten fold
The sky always looks so dark from here..no

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
So where's the way out?

To this day I'm still hearing those sounds
They haunt my dreams
Never let me sleep (let me sleep, let me sleep)
Feel destroyed - hopes continue to wither
Wave the flag, just fuckin' wave the flag

Forsake - such swine
They knew - the whole time
Why did I let them so close to me?
I will not let them get close to me..

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
So where's the way out?

Where is the way out?
Get me the fuck out!

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
There is no way out

The Cycle

Again this morning, I felt alone
I look around to see a truth that follows
Silent rooms

Again tonight, the tears just fall
This reticence speaks to me in volumes
Lovely gloom

Oh, why? Why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
Can't this pain just die?

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
Just another lonely day

I see no reason to even move
So antagonistic is this sunrise
I don't care

This reality into which I'm bound
Is so desolate and feels so hollow
No one's there

Oh, why? Why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
Please just tell me why

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
Just another lonely day

Why, why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
It just never dies

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With even more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
It's just another lonely day

Expunge

Catastrophe - That's all I am

I'm never free - I realized

 Something I hoped for

In ashes on the floor

It's gone

I'm done

I dreamed of a world

Where it's never raining

I watched it die

I saw open spaces

Where there were no traces

Of he who died

Demon from above - He steals the light

Lost of all resolve - I'm unwilling to fight

 I cannot go on..I cannot go on..no longer go on

 Something I hoped for

In ashes on the floor

It's gone

I'm done

I dreamed of a world

Where it's never raining

I watched it die

I saw open spaces

Where there were no traces

Of he who died

Who died..who died

Who's he who died?

Don't worry - He died

Who's he who died?

He was a lie!

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone

Gone

I'm done

Serrated

Placed, woke up in this space
Dreaming of that face
Running out of patience
While weeping for those thoughts erased
All emotions run, the worst has just begun
Stuck in this dreary microcosm
I feel my soul's on fire

This is not the world I once knew
I have never felt so unglued
No one here believes
All my trust is gone

Why keep trying, I know I'll never fuckin' make it

I am trapped in a world full of shit, I know this now!
I am indeed in a world full of shit, I know!

Blank, surrendered for my own sake
Again in my master's wake
Hold me back before I fuck it up
Tell me now, am I too late?
With such brittle knees
The task sits incomplete
"I never gave a fuck"
Once said a brilliant liar

My impression always meant shit
I know I've always lacked good judgment
Just ignore me, please
That's all I ever will deserve

I tried again and again I didn't fuckin' make it

I am trapped in a world full of shit, I know this now!
I am indeed in a world of shit, I know!

I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these endearing feelings have all died!

Murky, bloody, muddied!
These tepid waters stewing irrevocably with ambiguous rage which irks and must be known
You can't heal this pain, you can't heal this pain
God has again won, yet he won't get out of my way

Tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why!!!

I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these endearing feelings have all died

Have died..all died..

Vestige

Woeful thoughts, just fade away

Creeping closer every day

Line's been crossed, I'm now myself

These icy feelings long to melt

Not a vestige left of him

Speak in truth's, not meant to sin

What you see is the real me

Hold this knife and set me free

Empty shells speak of what can be

Ghosts of time still scream at me

True soul inside cries, "let me feel"

Let this life sentence be repealed

These tears that fall are all I see

Invisible, I long to be

I fear tomorrow, I fear this dream

I fear this life and all it means 

These dirty deeds are sure to be what consumes me

I did it all, guilty as sin inside

Please part these clouds, lost alone in the darkness

If doomed to fail, please just let me close these eyes

One more time..

Looking and feeling good today.

I am just a few days shy of 7 months on hormone replacement therapy. I've lost nearly 80 pounds now and I am feeling great about myself. Today I am feeling better than I have on any day since Mother's Day passed. I hope I continue to feel this good. Here are some pictures of my progress thus far.

Mother's Day

There's no one left in my life to send this to

There is no one left to call

And what would I even say?

If I had a mother on this day

And I know I'm a stranger now 

There is really no one left at all

And I know I'm a stranger now

And if I wanted to forget you exist, I can't

And if I wanted to fill this hole, I can't

There is really no one left to call

My mother on this day

It breaks my heart to close this book

It breaks my heart and the life this took

I love you even as I leave

And I know you won't believe

CurSmudgeon

Hey, misery--this light shines bright over you
So slovenly this light burns out
And there's the void..no

Spared!
Spared!

I don't want it!
Far from the finish, fighting like fuck and then snagged again on your hook
Fucked!
I just hate it!
This God that you love just never stops fucking with me!

I'm just a..
I'm fucked - curSmudgeon

A contrarian that hunts and seeks from the dark
I fret to make a sound
I know all mean me more than harm..no

Spared!
Spared!

I don't want it!
Far from the finish, fighting like fuck and then snagged again on your hook
Fucked!
I just hate it!
This God that you love just never stops fucking with me!

I'm just a..
I'm fucked - curSmudgeon

Spared!
Spared!

Or so I thought this time!
Blinded by my own fucked up naivete!
I hate it! I hate it all!
I'm in this now, whether anyone else is or not!
I don't! I don't want it!
You never knew what the fuck it is I care about!
 
Fucked! Fucked! Fucked!!!!!

Jaxarol

Hold me down

Against the ground

And squeeze these toxins from me

Hold me down

Don't make a sound

Let's set all these demons free

I've looked up to the sky

And I've asked why

I've cried all alone at night

And screamed why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know

And I still pretend not to know why

Pull me down

Out from the clouds

Again I have failed to see

All these fears

Leave things unclear

To the point of catastrophe

I've taken a look at my life

And I've asked why

I decided that I'd try again

And then asked why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know

And I still pretend that I do not know why

Hold me down..until I drown..

The future feels so bleak

I can't pretend

That these wounds will mend

I know there's no hope left for me

I've looked up to the sky

And I've asked God why

I've cried all alone at night

And screamed why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know..

I reach up to the sky

And scream why

I cry alone every night

And scream why

I'm losing ground

Yes, I know

And I still pretend that I do not know why..