GOALS

Goals for this coming week:

1) Apply for work (several different jobs)

2) Use rowing machine and get a real routine started

3) Continue reading "11/22/63" by Stephen King

4) Work on writing

5) Work on drawing

6) Study odds for lottery and Kentucky Derby

i have been in a serious rut for what feels like an eternity now, and my depression is worsening. As my inactivity and laziness makes me feel more and more worthless, I realize only I can change my situation. If I do just a little bit of all these things a little bit each day, and a little more and more each day as time goes on, I will feel gratified with myself, I will feel productive, and it will become normal. I must do this, and I must do it this week. And I will. 

No more laying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. 

For You

We've touched on the feelings

But not on the reasons

When it comes to my fall

I'll reveal my all

You take me to that place

I always believed was a LIE

Smoke's still settling

Not used to believing

And knowing I'm not dreaming

Because you are my world

For you, I'd fall on my sword

The darkest of my secrets

Uncloaked while my soul is in audit

Leaving myself disarmed

I urge you to climb into my arms

Years of searching empty space

I've waited for you all my LIFE

No longer pretending

And finally breathing

No longer veiling

Because you are my world

For you I'd fall on my sword

I never thought,,I  would share this amour

And I never thought,,the sun could rise once more!

Never believed in sequels

And up to now in equals

Disillusionment met its match

For you, I'd kill or die

For this first time there is nothing

In this world I wouldn't fuckin' TRY

To keep you for all time

Until I die

Until I die

Until I am dying

To keep you for all time.

Gloom Room

Sweating all night long
Singing this song
Haunted by all those awful things that I've done

Flipping through all those pages of memories I hate
A new life, a new lie that I yearn to create
Hated by all, including myself
I'm ripping out my eyeballs to throw on the shelf
I've accpted my fate, aware of the sorrow to come
Resigned to my gloom room, so tired and done

The battle has ended
My causes are dead
The war is still going on, but only inside of my head

There's a path that I've followed, it's led me this way
To a place so cold and lonely where the skies are all grey
Hated by all, this treacherous soul
Despair and animosity only continues to grow
I've accepted my fate, aware of the demise to come
Resigned to my death bed, where the reaper has fun

The clouds move in wrap themselves around me, begging me not to fight
A silent darkness moves in dominating and replacing any sound or light
The reaper man is always waiting..

When Alone

It's only in the dark I see

Shine your light away from me

I keep trying to pray off my disease

I wait in silence and God won't speak

This empty old room, dusty, desolate and cold...

Only when alone, only when I feel ashamed

Only when alone, only when my temper's tamed

Just hold me close and let it be

Exhale your breath all over me

The darkest nights and bloody fights

Always wrong and never right

We beat the odds just one more time

Eating the leftover dust and grime

Only when alone, only when I can see the end

Only when alone, only when my wounds can mend

I paint my face in colors dark

Hiding the truth from all of you

The man I was, no doubt has died

The devil always lets his victims cry

Mountains crumbling, the sky then falls

A pretty ending after all

Only when alone, only when the people crowd

Only when alone, only when I scream aloud

Only when alone, only when I hear that sound...

Only when I'm alone, only when the meaning's found

Greaser Sleeze

Bleeding out on the floors of nowhere
In the wake, in the dawn, of nowhere
Pushing hard, pushing fast to nowhere
You'll always find me here, in nowhere

Die..die..die..die..

On the phone, all alone in nowhere
Growing old in the cold of nowhere
Drink your tea of ecstasy in nowhere
Say your piece as I grieve in nowhere

Why..why..why..why..

We are..dead heart..bad start..

Dead heeeeart!!!

For all the truth holds..

These haunting visions growing deeper in my memory
Encompassing my roots!

The pleasure that I felt all those years ago
Has been buried under ashes where no one knows
I'll be waiting in the 11th hour just before you die
This rage that I feel will only grow in size
The patience that I lack implore for quick relief
Revered by some, despised by all..

For all the truth holds
Death in despair
For all the truth holds..

The pressure in my skull reaches levels unknown to most
I keep asking why!

Serpents and arachnid's begin to fill the streets
The sun rises for the last time and it's all I see
I cannot tell by this time if the war is won
But it's never frowned upon to bring your gun
Wallowing in this eternal storm of regret and shame
Forgiven by some, abhorred by all

For all the truth holds
Death in despair
For all the truth holds..

Everlasting Tear

Once I swore that I'd never ever get old
In all my worst dreams, I'm always alone
Now I'm my weakest, the skin is trembling
And now the fog is so quickly thickening

Dark room, eyes open softly
Scent in the air cries at me
A heart that's bleeding
A heart I can't glue
I'll pretend I'm someone else

I am aware this is all I will ever know
The story unfolds as the spirit dies
I am aware this is all I will ever know
Your slave again complies

Offering their guidance through the forest blindly
On the other side awaits relief
Precious moments that need no mentioning
Have spilled their guts all over me

A heart that's bleeding
A heart I cannot glue
Why won't they let me rest?

I am aware this is all I will ever know
The story unfolds as the spirit dies
I am aware this is all I will ever know
Your slave again complies

I am aware this is all I will ever know
The story unfolds as the spirit dies
I am aware this is all I will ever know
Your slave again complies

I am aware this is all I will ever know
The story unfolds as the spirit dies
I am aware this is all I will ever know
Your slave again complies

Your slave again complies

Death again complies..