It is time.

This is going from heartbreaking and sad to actually making me fucking angry. It's just not a good day and there's a grim vibe in the air that seems to mesh well with the hazy overcast that has masked the sky all morning and afternoon. It feels like death. It feels like I am in the movie, "Flatliners."

Despite the mood of the day, I have kept busy--very busy. I've made over 100 dollars today so far in fares. But, what is it exactly that is going from "heartbreaking and sad" to actually becoming infuriating? My inability to say, "fuck her, I don't care anymore" and the coinciding inability to not let reminders of her get to me anymore. I've given 13 rides today so far, and in that time I have had to pass by the mall, Hobby Lobby, Friendly's The Carmike, 420 Peace Avenue (The one near Stuart), Hoffman's, Wine and Barley, Chili's, Total Wine and More etc....

However, it was when I was stuck waiting for someone right outside the Saint Lucie Draft House an hour ago, I started to tear up like she just dumped me yesterday.

I do not have the will to contact her without asking her out, or at least asking if she is still dating. I know the answer I am going to get and I am not going to like it. And when she says it, I will not be able to move past it.

She has stopped contacting me too. Maybe she didn't like a post I wrote on here. Maybe she is head over heels in love at this point and she just doesn't give a fuck about me anymore. Maybe she think she's doing me a favor by going dark. Maybe she just thinks the ball is in my court.

Whatever the reason is, I shouldn't care. I've wasted enough of my finite time on this plane of existence pining over her. I should be spending the night in my bed with a gorgeous fucking woman who likes Bill Maher, who isn't going to just barely pretend to appreciate the expensive fucking Fossil watch I bought her for our 1st Christmas together and also likes me for me; who isn't married to someone else and isn't ever going to go off on a voyage to Atlanta and erase me from her life.

Which is why I will never mention her on here again.

With the antlers and red fucking nose.

This is my second week back in school. Everything is going well so far, and my math professor is much easier to understand this time around which is a big plus.

Hazel and her daughter are camping out in my spare bedroom for a few weeks which is weird since I just spent two weekends helping her move. She hasn't explained much and I haven't tried to pry. All I know is that it seems that she and her significant other are not doing well.

I sit in bed at 1:53am unable to sleep still wishing I was holding her in my arms, kissing her on the back and on the neck, feeling her bare skin against mine. I miss her voice so god damn much. I miss her eyes and her smile and her intelligence and her scent and her little peacock-colored Versa with the antlers and red fucking nose during the holidays.

I have just one question...how in the fuck do I escape this prison of STILL loving someone I can never have?

Time takes it all.

"Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

I Hate the Morning

           

A swollen sun melting in the horizon

Between the sheets where I wait for her to come
A living flame, impossible to resist
Burning me deep with every bite, kiss and lick

I'm haunted
I'm haunted
I'm haunted (by her)

Invades my sleep with tumescent intentions
Hades I'm sure must be missing a demon

I hate the morning
I hate the morning

From the panes a green mist swirls
Is it a shadow of reflection?
This apparition in moon beams bathed
A voice like wind through trees beckons
Cool rain on hot summer stone
The odor fills my presence
Of freshly dug grave and death and night
These things are her essence
Nocturnal mistress, spirit lover
Your mouth of wine and wooksmoke taste
My goddess of the violet twilight
You are lust incarnate
In the sweat of my bed
The eastern sky hints of dawning
Alone and awake but exhausted I lie
Oh how I hate the morning

I hate the morning (light)
I hate the morning (light)

I'm haunted
I'm haunted
I'm haunted (by her)

8/5/2017

I wish I knew how to say "no," but it seems I still don't. Hazel asked me at the very last minute to help her move last week, and I dropped everything to do it. We rented a box truck, and loaded all her furniture and some boxes from her house onto the truck and into a storage unit, just the two of us. I can't deny that yet again the déjà vu was extremely palpable, and it really started to get to me. Then last night, she sent me a text at around 10:00pm and asked if I could help her finish moving this morning, and I obliged. Where's her amazing boyfriend she always talks about? He can't help?

Me: an amazingly loyal friend who will always help, never saying no even if I now only hear from you when you need something...and eternally unworthy loveless, lonely fool.

I just want something I can never have.

But hey, at least everyone else I know is happy and has someone to love right? That's all that matters..  

In the words of Peter Steele, "I hate the morning."

7/23/2017

     I feel it's about time for a regular update. With a month left until school resumes, I feel I have done a good job of keeping pretty busy this summer. I added a bookcase and some new bar-stools (WITH BACKS) to the house. It's nice to be able to see my books on display in the dining room, and not have them all hiding in cabinets anymore. Plus, the bar-stools I got are wooden and actually match the kitchen counter, so that was a nice touch. I am continuing to stay disciplined on the dietary and exercise fronts, and I just reached my 50th and 51st 5-star ratings as an Uber Driver today which was cool. Lyft doesn't have as a large a market in the area, but the 5 star ratings continue to come in either way. It's kept me pretty busy with work being so slow, and it's a nice way to meet new people. Someone I picked up who lives on my street just a few doors down invited me out for drinks. On Friday, some girl I was driving to work complimented my rear-view mirror ornaments and showed me all these drawings of Batman villains that she's been working on. She seemed really cool. So, all in all things continue to go well.

     We are half-way through the year, and as if Adam West, Greg Allman, Martin Landau, Roger Moore, Jonathan Demme, Don Rickles, Bill Paxton and Chris Cornell weren't enough, just this week we have lost another. Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park and up until recently lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots (whose original lead singer also died), died of an apparent suicide on what would of been the 53rd birthday of Chris Cornell who also comitted suicide just a few months ago. It's sobering to see all these faces I grew up knowing and in some cases idolizing just suddenly check out one after another without warning. Some you know are coming, some are just way out of left field. It's all sad either way.

     I find it funny how even after all the countless instances we have seen of provocative and controversial social media posts made by celebrities and public figures over the years thinking that they were saying something witty, edgy, insightful, or that needed saying for one reason or another and ultimately ended up in deep shit for it and/or retracting it, that people continue to do this as if they haven't learned a fucking thing from anyone else who has done it and ended up recanting. Brian Welch (overall uninformed/misinformed recovering meth addict and guitarist of Korn) took it upon himself to post on Facebook about his frustration with musicians who commit suicide, and stated that Chester took the coward's way out, which a lot of other people found insensitive, and the backlash caused him to backpedal and apologize just a little while later. Let me be clear--I am not one of these social justice warrior, lib-tard, politically-correct whiny fucking babies. It's his right to say it, it's his right to feel that way, no one is arguing that. It's everyone American's right to express their beliefs, say what they want, act how they want, and be as uncensored and as undiplomatic about it as they wish. I wouldn't have it any other way. But, somewhere along the way in this country, it just seems that common sense and voluntary self-discretion went out the fucking window and a whole new level of cynicism that makes even me sick along with a newfound desire for verbal combativeness came center-stage regardless of who it may hurt along the way; regardless of whether what is being stated is even correct, or even makes a single valid point. People just seem to want to hurt each other.

Welcome to Earth.

   

Song of the Day

                                                          
This is the first day of my last days
I built it up, now I take it apart
Climbed up real high, now fall down real far
No need for me to stay the last thing left I just threw it away

I put my faith in God and my trust in you
Now there's nothing more fucked up I could do
   
Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you
   
I'm the one without a soul, I'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell, twenty-six years on my way to Hell
Gotta listen to your big time, hard line, bad luck, fist fuck

Don't think you're having all the fun
You know me, I hate everyone

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

I want to but I can't turn back
But I want to...

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

Wish there was something real, wish there was something true
Wish there was something real, in this world full of you

In this world full of you
In this world full of you
In this world full of you
In this world full of you