You finally did it.

I am gone. You have finally done it. This time I am NOT coming back. Even if you came crying to me with heartfelt (something you know nothing about) apologies, I'd turn you away without hesitation. Celebrate now that the "stress and anxiety" catalyst is gone. But you will regret this one day, regardless of when. Eat shit and die (with love).

Eraser

"Fuck you because I loved you. Fuck you for loving me too. I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do."

You win. I'm gone.

The Noose (My version inspired by The Offspring's song of the same name)

I don't know why I bother going on in this world from day to fucking day

I don't know why nothing comes out of my mouth in the way I mean to say

Every happy moment I've had in this life has burned before my very eyes

And now I'm left here alone asking myself over and over, "why, why?"

The world as I used to know it is a pile of ashy dust

The relationships I used to have are broken of all trust

The visions I had for my future are all but a fucking bust

No point left in living

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And my psyche is now stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

I never believed everything was going to turn out in such a way

I never saw myself ending up so alone without even the will to pray

I live in a world of countless things that I only seem to wish away

I understand now that my dreams and aspirations will never end up realized..

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord to shut the lights out
And take away the tears that never seem to stop fallin'

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And the vehicle is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

No more

No more

Hurting

No more

No more

Hating

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And my psyche is now stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

The noose has fallen

All my progress is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And my misery is rising

The screws have fallen

And the vehicle is stallin'

The noose has fallen

And isolation is rising

Dereliction

I see that the end is near

Because I have been following

Along with the narration

Strangled by self-confrontation

This truth that I behold in lies

Is growing and sprouting, forever unknowing

And reluctant in the face of death

To smile in this acute desolation

I see that the end is near

Because the heavens have whispered in my ear

Spoiled rotten and tensions high

The Gods, so happy and so much obliged

I partake of this bitter fruit

In this weakest moment

To fill this gaping hole

Within my soul

Punish me as I have punished you

And turn the key

Engaging in this self-strangulation

So clearly I now can see

The rift that paddles off between

Us, the clouds, the stars and dead

Putting all of my worst fears to bed

I see so well now that the end is near
In spite of all of my unyielding dreams
Fortitude and solidarity
Cannot so well be comforting

I swam the oceans and watched the sand
Slip between my lifeless fingers
Growing old as I grow so vain
In love with my own self-strangulation

Your time shall pass as did mine
No point in worrying about satisfaction
You will soon be one of us
As you were once one of us

I see so well now that the end is near

I see so well now that the end is near

I see so well now that the end is near
I see so well now that the end is near
I see so well now that the end is near

I see how the end is so very near...

I thought she knew I hated liars.

Now she thinks I'm "trolling" for new girls online and believes I am LYING about it.

I don't know where it goes from here, but I love her to no end. She is extremely special to me. I want no one else and I most certainly do not "troll" for other women online, or anywhere else.

I take the word "lie" very seriously. This has really crushed me. I don't know how to respond to this. I don't know what should happen next, if anything at all...

Lullaby

When I was young
And scared of the world
My mother Would sing me a song
A tune that I keep In a sacred place
Because I know That my life won't be long
It tells of the place Where you go
When your time here on Earth is through
A beautiful place We call heaven
Is it true
Please God I pray that it's true

'Cause once this land Was heaven on Earth
Green hills were all You could see
But now it's soot And steel and brick
So it looks more Like hell to me
And each day brings More and more suffering
And each night is silence and fear
And I wake To the sound of your voice
But you're not here
Why aren't you here?
So now I lay me Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My soul to keep
Please let me die Before I wake
So the Lord My soul, can take
Then maybe I'll finally find you
'Midst the beauty Of paradise
And you'll sing not of dying
But living
Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't that be nice?

Feeling even better than before

The rear brakes in my truck are pretty much shot. The passenger window in my truck is jammed. The a/c blows piping hot fucking air. Jenn is apparently done with me and/or ignoring me since my employer let me go on Monday.

Thanks again, Coastal Flooring for convincing me to leave my other job just so you can eventually fuck me over and take away the one thing that meant more to me than anything else in the world.

And the icing on the cake..my stepdad said today that everything going wrong in my life is karma for previously painting my nails, wearing makeup, cross-dressing, etc..

I am ready to check off this fucking ride. I really am. I have never felt worse.

Jenn, please talk to me.